Raped, But Later Enjoyed It...?Hello all.. my first post here. It's not really the "lustfilled, sensational stories" as other users have, but more of just me recounting the details of something that happened to me. I tried doing it as coolly as I can, without exaggerating or downplaying. This isn't meant to really be a "oh god, thats hot", but just me sharing something I've held to myself for a very long time.
This was during my first year of college.
I attended college in Southern California, but grew up in Arizona. Seeing that I wasn't local, and also didn't know anyone I tried my best to fit in, and made a lot of friends. Went to the occasional parties, and did the usual social drinking.
It was end of finals week, and a group of my friends were heading over to a party at a campus apartment (I was staying at the dorms at the time, so drinking/partying didn't really work!). And well, it was a tough week so I was stressed. Definitely led me to have too many drinks.
My recollection of that night is very hazy. I remember chatting it up with some boys, but kept telling myself to stick close to my friends and keep myself in check. (I personally think I have a fairly high tolerance!)
Somehow, I ended up in a shot-drinking contest against a fairly busty girl. I dislike shots, but I also hate losing, and I hate even more backing down against competition. After around 10-12 shots, the girl backed down, and I slowly excused myself to the sofa. From there, blacked out.
Woke up later in a bedroom, naked. As soon as my eyes open, I knew I ****** up. I didn't have to check, but I knew the feeling between my legs. It was definitely ***. Couldn't help it, but I still had to check. Without looking, I moved a hand down there to feel and also bring it up. "****."
Something also happened to smell horrible, and it turns out that I managed to puke through-out my night ordeal. (Wonderful pieces remained in my hair when I looked in the mirror)
Anyways, quickly tried to get my act together. I looked around for my clothes, but no where to be found. I did find a pair of jersey shorts and a hoody. Wore it, and slowly creeped out the room. Strangely, the hallway was empty, but I could hear the voices of people in the living room (sounded like they were watching TV?).
I don't know what I was thinking, all kinds of thoughts rushed in my head. I was just raped, but not "really", since who knows, maybe in my overly drunk state I just got it on with a guy. I just decided to just coyly walk out and who knows, maybe he won't even be there (question is, I had no idea who "HE" is!)
As I made it to the living room, 5-6 people were around the TV and were watching a *****. I remember thinking two things: One, disgusted, Two, it was one shaky film.
No one noticed me yet, so I walked a few more steps so I could see the whole room and if any of my friends were here. While I was trying to peer around, I couldn't help but notice what was on the TV.
That's when it hit me-- it was a video of me having sex. I probably stood there for a good 10 seconds completely frozen before I started screaming and ran towards the door. I probably didn't make it more than 5-6 feet before a guy grabbed me and pinned me to the wall.
He picked me up and forced me down in front of the sofa. I didn't know what to do, but I sat there staring at the TV. I was knocked out on the bed, with a guy ******* me. Another one on the side of the bed trying to smother my face with his ****. I didn't know what to do so I just sat there slowly crying, but watching. The first guy finished, and then the guy who was trying to shove his **** in my face started to **** me. I then heard someone yell in the background "Hey, this ***** is out cold. Come get some asian *****!"
They stopped it there, and told me five more guys had there way with me. They also were quick to say that if I went to the police, they'd just happily share the video around campus. I already knew what happened to some other girls who had their videos go viral.
I started to just sob, and sob. I gave in to their demands, swore I wouldn't tell anyone. Likewise, they agreed to keep a secret too (looking back now, I wonder).
They strangely, gave me a flash drive with the video on it. For "memories sake, and also to remember what they had on me".
It took me thirty minutes to get home, a walk that should have taken ten. When I got back to my dorms, my friend asked where I was, and they got worried cause "I left early, without telling them". Then they made some snide jokes about how I was wearing some guy's clothing, and that I left early to go have some "fun". Never did tell them, probably cause I felt like they threw me away.
I felt miserable for months, depression, sadness, I just hated life. But as that summer past, I don't know why, but I dug up the flash drive (please, I don't know why I didn't get rid of it. I think I had some crazy thoughts like "who cares if it screws my life too, it's ******* evidence") and decided to watch it. And as guilty as I felt, I got completely wet, and started to ********** like crazy. I cried right after.
But it kept happening.. I'd watch it, get so wet, and start to **********. I started to get crazy thoughts in my head, and after every time I'd hate myself more. But now, having graduated last year... I just try to enjoy it, and not feel the guilt.
PS- I'd really appreciate it for at least now, please refrain from any simple immature comments. I've been on EP for a short time, enjoyed very wet moments while reading other users' stories, and also felt somewhat more of an acceptance of the lust I feel when I think about that night.