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Raped, But Later Enjoyed It...?

Hello all.. my first post here. It's not really the "lustfilled, sensational stories" as other users have, but more of just me recounting the details of something that happened to me. I tried doing it as coolly as I can, without exaggerating or downplaying. This isn't meant to really be a "oh god, thats hot", but just me sharing something I've held to myself for a very long time.

This was during my first year of college.

I attended college in Southern California, but grew up in Arizona. Seeing that I wasn't local, and also didn't know anyone I tried my best to fit in, and made a lot of friends. Went to the occasional parties, and did the usual social drinking.

It was end of finals week, and a group of my friends were heading over to a party at a campus apartment (I was staying at the dorms at the time, so drinking/partying didn't really work!). And well, it was a tough week so I was stressed. Definitely led me to have too many drinks.

My recollection of that night is very hazy. I remember chatting it up with some boys, but kept telling myself to stick close to my friends and keep myself in check. (I personally think I have a fairly high tolerance!)

Somehow, I ended up in a shot-drinking contest against a fairly busty girl. I dislike shots, but I also hate losing, and I hate even more backing down against competition. After around 10-12 shots, the girl backed down, and I slowly excused myself to the sofa. From there, blacked out.

Woke up later in a bedroom, naked. As soon as my eyes open, I knew I ****** up. I didn't have to check, but I knew the feeling between my legs. It was definitely ***. Couldn't help it, but I still had to check. Without looking, I moved a hand down there to feel and also bring it up. "****."

Something also happened to smell horrible, and it turns out that I managed to puke through-out my night ordeal. (Wonderful pieces remained in my hair when I looked in the mirror)

Anyways, quickly tried to get my act together. I looked around for my clothes, but no where to be found. I did find a pair of jersey shorts and a hoody. Wore it, and slowly creeped out the room. Strangely, the hallway was empty, but I could hear the voices of people in the living room (sounded like they were watching TV?).

I don't know what I was thinking, all kinds of thoughts rushed in my head. I was just raped, but not "really", since who knows, maybe in my overly drunk state I just got it on with a guy. I just decided to just coyly walk out and who knows, maybe he won't even be there (question is, I had no idea who "HE" is!)

As I made it to the living room, 5-6 people were around the TV and were watching a *****. I remember thinking two things: One, disgusted, Two, it was one shaky film.

No one noticed me yet, so I walked a few more steps so I could see the whole room and if any of my friends were here. While I was trying to peer around, I couldn't help but notice what was on the TV.

That's when it hit me-- it was a video of me having sex. I probably stood there for a good 10 seconds completely frozen before I started screaming and ran towards the door. I probably didn't make it more than 5-6 feet before a guy grabbed me and pinned me to the wall.

He picked me up and forced me down in front of the sofa. I didn't know what to do, but I sat there staring at the TV. I was knocked out on the bed, with a guy ******* me. Another one on the side of the bed trying to smother my face with his ****. I didn't know what to do so I just sat there slowly crying, but watching. The first guy finished, and then the guy who was trying to shove his **** in my face started to **** me. I then heard someone yell in the background "Hey, this ***** is out cold. Come get some asian *****!"

They stopped it there, and told me five more guys had there way with me. They also were quick to say that if I went to the police, they'd just happily share the video around campus. I already knew what happened to some other girls who had their videos go viral.

I started to just sob, and sob. I gave in to their demands, swore I wouldn't tell anyone. Likewise, they agreed to keep a secret too (looking back now, I wonder).

They strangely, gave me a flash drive with the video on it. For "memories sake, and also to remember what they had on me".

It took me thirty minutes to get home, a walk that should have taken ten. When I got back to my dorms, my friend asked where I was, and they got worried cause "I left early, without telling them". Then they made some snide jokes about how I was wearing some guy's clothing, and that I left early to go have some "fun". Never did tell them, probably cause I felt like they threw me away.

I felt miserable for months, depression, sadness, I just hated life. But as that summer past, I don't know why, but I dug up the flash drive (please, I don't know why I didn't get rid of it. I think I had some crazy thoughts like "who cares if it screws my life too, it's ******* evidence") and decided to watch it. And as guilty as I felt, I got completely wet, and started to ********** like crazy. I cried right after.

But it kept happening.. I'd watch it, get so wet, and start to **********. I started to get crazy thoughts in my head, and after every time I'd hate myself more. But now, having graduated last year... I just try to enjoy it, and not feel the guilt.

PS- I'd really appreciate it for at least now, please refrain from any simple immature comments. I've been on EP for a short time, enjoyed very wet moments while reading other users' stories, and also felt somewhat more of an acceptance of the lust I feel when I think about that night.
fenceattacka fenceattacka 18-21, F 31 Responses Mar 14, 2011

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I agree with most poster here. Humans are complex beings. We have higher functions: the intellectual, spiritual, rational, practical, loving, compassionate, cautious, thoughtful, etc, etc, parts of our selves.

There are also the biological parts that are less under our control (or purely out of our control like the best of our hearts). The bodies biologically-based physical reactions to something - along with our complex psyches - creates situations and circumstances that are difficult to explain or understand.

In short: these things happen and your reaction is anything but uncommon.

That said: it does not take away from the "wrongness" of the incident as far as the perpetrators behavior that you did not solicit or consent to --- regardless of your involuntary reactions to it.

Consider a young child. For example a 9yo girl sexually molested by her stepfather. What if she admires him and even romaticizes him? What if she is actually stimulated or around by the abuse? Does that really matter? You would NEVER EVER question that this is abuse (and a crime). You would not even date to ask the question: "well, did she enjoy it?" ---- a child cannot consent and may have little understanding of the negative effects and long term consequences of what has happened (but may later have to deal with deep-seated "issues" that are related back to the abuse that she apparently "liked@ at the time).

While a lot of victims feel horrible about their abuse (sexual and otherwise), some do have your experience. Especially in cases of male on female rape. The females biological response to the situation may be to become wet - she may even have an ****** (as some have reported). This is probably linked to our prehistoric days when there were less social laws established (and absolutely no legal law). Horny males would be a constant threat to unsuspecting females who were not horny or desirous of sex. But a larger more powerful male would be difficult to fight off. Women who became aroused and wet by these sexual assaults would have an advantage: less physical trauma from the rape. And perhaps if a woman became sexually aroused by the rape this further stimulated the perpetrator
and possibly illicited the perpetrators sense of "territory" over that female. Perhaps he then protected her from other males also wishing to rape her at the first opportunity - keeping her for himself. It might behoove her to become sexually stimulated / wet from sexual activity with a rapist male.

There are studies that say that the chance of pregnancy is slightly higher from rape as compared with consensual sex. Women who survived rape (by protecting their bodies with lubrication) and became pregnant from the rape might 1) be protected (guarded) by the raping make and 2) go on to spread the trait of beinfmg aroused by rape to their daughters - and on and on and so forth.

So that, by now, it may be a common trait inherited by many modern day women.
A defense mechanism built into our biology.

Not to mention that women may have a history of sexual abuse (or at least sexually questionable) experiences early on - where they had little power - and so are already a "set up" for enjoying sexual experiences that recreate these earlier experiences of sexual powerlessness.
Point is: I think it is very unsurprising you had/have this reaction.

Sexy *****

black mail.......

I would have raped your *** and laughed in your face

I feel the same way about the times it's happened to me and I feel your pain it feels like ****. I'm so sorry for you and the confusion you are feeling right now and I sure hope that no guy reads this and thinks women actually enjoy it because it's a very complicated thing. Nobody should enjoy being treated badly. For me, I feel like it is an ultimate release when I am treated as badly as I deserve and there's nothing I can do about it, it makes me feel free in a powerful way but in reality I only think I deserve it because I was treated that way so many times I have now internalised the belief that I deserve it. Please seek help, I'm here for you from afar.

I'm most worried about the damage that might have been done to you....but it seems, even it did, this whole getting wet, ************ and crying could be your own therapy. I had a girlfriend with whom we worked out similar therapy for her damaging experiences. I also had a friend that had a similar experience to you: he was raped by an older man, which involved forced oral sex and then forced anal. HOWEVER, he told me he thinks about it almost everyday and wants it to happen again. I share feelings that almost all women that I have been with have had: they like to be forced to have sex ----but only when they want it to happen! So, maybe that doesn't count.

How are you feeling now that some time has gone on? If you feel that it is appropriate, I would love to talk with you about this. Without going into detail in public, I have close relations that have had similar experiences and they didn't do so well. Let me know by private message if you'd like to talk.

If I was there and if you were a hot girl, ofcourse I'd like to **** you. It's what men do and women like getting ******. Nothing to worry about, unless you got a STD or pregnant...

have your told police about that?

I understand you completely. If there'd been a video of either of my rapes I'm sure in time I would've started finding it the ultimate turn-on (and this does apply to both of them, unfortunately).
Call it a coping mechanism, call me a pervert - but...we've both somehow incorporated it into our sexualities and thereby avoided mental collapse, and that makes us in some ways "fortunate".
And when I'm able to return to having a sex life (when my little 'un's grown up some more) I'm sure I'll be kinkier and more masochistic/rape-obssessed than I used to be

Thank you for your honesty. It couldn't have been easy to admit that. Perhaps one day, you'll meet a man willing to roleplay the fantasy for you, making it more real and all the better.

Mmmmmmmmm I'm wet thinking about all the good pounds u had ur a lucky ***** baby go back an thank them an this time don't b drunk so u can REALLY enjoy all those big long hard *****

I can never relate to your experience. You are helpless, yet probably enjoy it... Probably, too confused... Probably, because you weren't in your senses due to the drinks. Its like a dream, only you weren't quite conscious. I don't know if the cops will help, but if they do, it might be worth a try.

well, if you now enjoy watching it & masturba*e every time. Then you should track the guys down & get them to gang bang you

This would be encouraging the rapists.

You should track those guys down and ask them to gang bang you.

send us the video

Please add me as your friend

wow ... it might sound weird to say this but that was a hot story

Do you have rape fantasies now? Ever consider going to another party again like that...or calling one of the guys up that raped you for a get together?

This is your way of taking back control, it's actually common. Many victims will fantasize about being raped again or engage in consensual rape play. Your case is more unique cause you have an actual video of it.<br />
<br />
I would recommend that you seek therapy and call the police, those jerks are on tape and will go to prison where they belong.

<p>Five guys rap*ed me once at a party but not before they had got me arou*sed and made me orga*sm for them, at least you did not give them that satifaction, it was so humiliating. The first guy to ra*pe me wanted me to suck him but i would not do it. He kept saying suck me off or i will make you preg*nant but i would not give in. They got me on my back near the edge of the bed, two of them held my upper body down and two of them held my ankles high and wide, the fith guy got on his knees and was eating me and rubbing my c*lit. I could feel another org*asm building but he stopped, stood up and took his co*ck in his hand and pushed my pus*sy lips apart as he forced himself in to me. Now whenever i matu*rbate i go to a scinario where i am stri*pped and held down and made to org*asm. Wierd or what ????</P>

i like your traumatic but post pleasurable experience

do you still have the file? if you feel like sharing it, message me on here.

Whilst the act of being raped is a traumatic and life shattering experience, the idea of being taken by multiple men and used as a sex ob<x>ject is a fantasy for many women. Human beings are complex creatures. An ex of mine was raped, and some years later became aroused talking about it. It happens.

Yes, I got similar experience, forced but got horny later.

my gf was gangraped when she was younger, she was awake for most of it, she did black out a little from what she remembers. she thought she would never be able to get over it, but then realized she couldn't stop thinking about it and getting horny. even today she ***** me like an animal thinking about it.<br />
<br />
it can be a defense mechanism, it can be the idea of being seen and used as a sex toy, but either way its separating yourself from what happened and sexualizing it to be able to deal with it

Im not going to lie.... the fact that you get arroused by it now is extremely attractive, you have no idea. But in all seriuosness, I'm glad that it did not put a long term negative effect on you. You found a way around the pain with out even trying, be happy and maybe even proud of that since it show that your mind is stronger than you think.

fenceattacka,thank you so much for the candid insight in your personally unique experience's journey.my compassionate heart goes out to you for any suffering you initially went through.I sure wish i was there to help pick you up,clean you up,comfort,encourage and protect you.But wow look at you!you're strong enough to do it even without any of my help,good for you kid : ).<br />
as you can see,most everyone here is positive well wisher for you so forget about destine being <br />
so judgemental towards you.she's certainly in the minority and will be humbled when the day arrives <br />
that she's judged by the same measuring stick she judged you and others with.<br />
i personally know many women that in their cases they also ended up later enjoying their rapes.some enjoyed during the act various degrees of arousal emotionally,mentally and physically to the point of not only getting damp or wet but some even full blown *******.some<br />
later took control back in their lives by letting the initial fear,shame,humiliation and guilt to instead of confusingly tear them apart,to fuse into arousal to give them deep full blown *******<br />
when with confident partners or during private masturbations.<br />
hats off to you for dropping enough of the guilt to relish for what in your particular case a very<br />
enjoyable experience.please come back soon! and yes just as you admitted your post facto arousal i also just as freely admit that the latter part of your story stirred my **** to throb and swell for you. : ).

I am very sorry this happened to you and hope that you can move on from your experience. However, I completly understand how you feel about what happened, how it is possible to find some enjoyment in the rape because that is exactly how I feel. I not only grew to enjoy my experiences at the time, but now I also reflect back on even the most difficult events when I **********. I think it is a natural way to deal with the difficult events and reclaim them for ourselves. Many people won't understand how you, or I, feel but it is not something to feel guilty about; rather I think it should be embraced. It is our way of taking control. <br />
<br />
I hope you can be happy and move on with your life now that you have graduated.<br />
xx

My 1st serious girlfriend had been gangraped a few years before I met her and she had a similar reaction. She liked and needed to be taken by force sometimes. That's how I learned about sex, being forceful and feeling a woman enjoy it that way. so your experience makes sense to me.

It is normal for you to feel so confused. women are not built to program love and lust seperately.<br />
I hope those disgusting little twerps get what they deserve :O(<br />
I am saddened to be a man to read your story and i pray you find a decent man to show you how sick those little cockroaches were.<br />
<br />
You very much have my sympathy. The only ones that should feel shame is those gutless little scumbags not you... You should hold your head high for you are better than them... Also hold your head high for your courage in telling your story. I dont know id be able to if it was me..

Thats just hot lol. I mean the fact that you were not concious during any of it is just weird. I dont know how anyone would be able to do that. But everything else is sexy lol dont judge me but maybe embrace that? can you imagine how wet you'd be if it was happening while you werent out cold and you got to choose the guys? lol okay im done all im saying is that its not weird to be turned on by it. It is a terrible thing that happened though