so i just returned from my therapy session and turns out my fears are real.yay. I try not to think these things and every therapist i have seen since this chapter of my life started back when i was thirteen, they never helped. no shrink could fix my relation with my mom, fix me, fix anything. I sat there today to realize i passed away two weeks ago on a sunday. The morning i woke up and pleaded my mother to take me back, which she did and now here i am, btw last night i was also here and i was crying and convinced that if i quietly snuck out my bedroom window i could go away score harry and die a very happy death. Verbalizig this to my shirnk hit me that my ego, me, I had died that sunday. My ego killed. Maimed. I ended. She asked what brought about this change? i had been living independatntly for a good five years in my own house...the need for a mothers love drove me back again and again for love, reassurance, family a mother who i have lovingly nicknamed Hitler. yes. Hitler. I didnt know the fears i had inside until i voiced them today it was like an infinite verbal diarrhea of the mind lol. I have very real fears and no wonder no drug sedates me enough to shut the survival mode in my head off. People have formed various stories after i was a single woman living alone in pakistan. I had three rotts for security lol. People wouldnt dare come argue, one who did try had a dog jump at her from my terrace out front, quiite the show that was. Anyhow...well **** that, suicdial thoughts or not...whatever...im here today living with amma bhenchod(another very frequently used nickname) with the papers to my house in her handsm my health in her hands it all. A no or a :i dont deserve this **** leave me and **** off means im on my own again and what on ******* earth made me trust her like this?!?! for those who are unaware of hitler and I, they divorced when i was little and mum sort of never knew me i never knew her and now here i am a 25 year old adult being treated like a child in bad and good ways by a woman titled mum but whos never acted it or even been given the chnace to lets say incase youd like to side with her case. I sit here today cut off from evryone i called 'friend
, quit drugs, am studying all for what??? my mothers love? really? a mother who could qualify as a stranger opretty much. Iv shifted from a whole house to myself to a bedroom which isnt even very large....lol....my dogs gone thats huge she was my dog! lol im dead....and they say kill your ego. Hell that sunday i killed myself.
Unmasked Unmasked
26-30, F
1 Response Jul 3, 2015

just relax and enjoy your life
you will be happy he see you happy with good attitude