Lost Love

I remember loving my mother, but when I found out she had sent a letter to my daughter's paternal grandmother demanding $10,000 or they would never see her everything I felt went out the window.
I should start by saying my mother and I have had a strained relationship since the birth of my daughter. I was 15 when I had her, and lived with my mother. I was scared because I didn't know anything about raising a child. I was relieved that my mother was there to help me, or so I thought. She was suppose to help me not take over. No matter what I did concerning my daughter was never good enough. One night I put my daughter in bed with me and my mother told me NO!! But down the road it was ok for her to. When school started back up I was tired all the time. My daughter was Collicky. I was up most of the night and going to school during the day. After a while my mom offered to put her in her bedroom through the week so I could get enough sleep to continue with school. I thought that this was perfect. Well little did I know that by doing this I was losing all mothering duties. I didn't ask for her to become her mother I asked for help! One day my daughter called my mother mom and I corrected her. Well while I was attending school my mother never corrected her. I asked her why she didn't work with me on correcting her and she said she calls her that because us kids did. That is no excuse!! She wanted her to call her mom. She wanted control! After months of this I gave up!! I built a wall with my emotions pertaining to my daughter, because when I felt it hurt. I was no longer the mother she was. I moved out not long after. I signed over temporary custody.
A few years later my mother wanted to adopt her and I told her no, because I knew one day she would be with me where she should of been all along. A while later I told her I was going to take her and she threatened me by saying that if we went to court we would both lose her. The reason being is that I had been an alcoholic. I had been sober for a year at this time. I was afraid then. She knew how to manipulate us kids. She did it for years!
When my daughter turned 13 she told my mom she wanted to come and live with me. This is when my daughter came to live with me, but not without my mother telling her she didn't know how she could go on without her. I remember one day when my daughter called me crying because her and my mom had gotten into it and she told me my mother told her to quit acting like a little *****. I told her to put her on the phone and I got all over her for saying that. She said I didn't call her a ***** I told her to quit acting like one and I replied to her it meant the same and don't ever talk that way to her again.
Years later a good friend of my moms told me she use to get mad at her when they were at the bar because my mom would sit there and tell people what a *****, **** and ***** I was. What mother does that? I felt like she was always jealous of me. That was a very painful feeling. I remember her telling us kids we were stupid. She mentally and physically abused us. She was always at the bar. There were times she would leave us kids with others for days at a time and even leave us kids at home by ourselves for days at a time. My friends mothers were there to help us. She would bring home different men home all the time. I remember us kids having to hear her having sex.
Years later when I was married to my second husband she told me I had better get it together or she was going after him. My second husband and I had dated years before for a short while and when we split my mother showed up at his doorstep drunk beating on his door.
She likes to be the center of attention. When someone is talking about something she always has a similar situation and begins talking about herself. She things she knows everything and the other person knows crap. Right now she is hooked on Colon Cleansers and has lost 130lbs. She looks anorexic. I know she is doing it for attention because if you don;t notice her weight loss or the new clothes bought she will tell you how much she has lost and what size she is wearing. She has even said things like look I am skinnier than your sister now. or look I am skinnier than Autumn (my daughter) now. She is a narcissist, and a manipulator. She says things to get you to feel guilty if you don't do what she ask.
I have forgiven her for everything she has done to my. Don't get me wrong I will never forget, but when I learned that she had wrote the letter that was the last straw for me. I will never forgive her for that. Of all people she knew what it was like for us kids not having our father around and for her to threaten them and keep my daughter's father out of her life is unforgivable!
I use to feel guilty for not feeling the love for her that I use to, but not anymore. I did confront her several months ago about the letter and of course she denied it. I wouldn't expect anything less from her. She does not own up to her mistakes. She kicked my brother out at age 15 and blames her ex-best friend for taking him in. She sent him back home and my mom told him if her couldn't do chores like us girls to pack his bags and go back. Well to me she should of been the parent and told him her would stay and follow the rules. Her easy way out was kicking him out. She sent his birth certificate to him with the last name marked out and put her ex-friends last name.
I know she loves my daughter, but I also believe the only reason she wanted to raise my daughter was so she could get state money longer. She hardly ever held a job unless it paid cash.
For years she had me believing she had full custody and she knew I didn't have the money to go to court. After my daughter came to live with me I went to the lawyer who drew up the papers years before I found out she did only have temporary custody. I knew in my heart that I did not sign over full custody, but she kept telling me I did. She drug this out so she wouldn't lose the state money. When my daughter came to live with me she lost the money. Now she had no job and couldn't pay her rent so of course I let her live with me and my husband. That didn't last long because I kicked her out for coming home drunk on several occasions. I wasn't drinking anymore and I sure in the hell wasn't going to deal with her drunken ***!
I don't call her and I don't go see her. So now she thinks I am either depressed or jealous of her weight loss. She does not seem to get it and never will. My daughter says she feels sick to her stomach when she sees her as well, but she continues to go there on her lunch hours from work. There are times will find something to do so she doesn't have to go there. She use to call her all the time and now she hardly ever does. My mother made the remark to a friend that none of us lover her anymore and that Autumn hardly ever comes by or calls her. SHe is more worried about losing Autumn than anything or anyone else.
When I was there a lot and we happen to be talking about my daughter she always said My daughter and talked about her walking for the first time and other things I missed out on because of her. I finally told her I didn;t care to hear any of it and she said well I raised her. For years I never had the guts to tell her how I felt, but now I don't have a problem with it and she don't like it. Oh well!!
My mother was a good mom at one time, but like I said our relationship changed once my daughter was born.
I do not want any harm to come to her. I do care for her and worry about her health, but I don't feel the love a daughter should feel.

ronisue ronisue
46-50, F
1 Response Nov 28, 2012

I feel sick when I am near my mum too. She lied to my ex and avoiding my child near me.