I'm Lost

I have never heard of this site, or ever used it. I don’t really know what to say or do, I just need to be able to talk to somebody, or nobody, get things out and off my chest. I don’t really know what to expect here, but I’ll give it my best shot. I am a 21 year old University student. I guess I have never really fit in with most people my age, I feel that I was always a few steps a head of them when it comes to being mature about situations. And I guess that is what attributed to my current problems? I guess I will start with what is bothering me the most. Being in university is a lot different than what it used to be when my parents were younger. Now there is more pressures than we ever would have thought. You have to be slim, but not too thin, sexy, but not slutty, mature, but not too mature, party hard, but still get work done, balance work, school and your social life. It all seems easier said than done.
I guess where it all beings is September 2011, when 2 of my good friends moved in with myself and my other roommate. I went through a lot the summer before, a big messy break up, personal illness, and a death in the family. I did a lot of growing up, being 21 I feel like I should be 31. But these girls however, were not even close to 16. We all had different personalities and views on life. One girl slept with multiple men in a week, another was in a “committed” relationship even though she had cheated on her boyfriend, and the other…well she was the only child who always got what she wanted, when she wanted it. She would make up these stories about her and men only for us to ask “than what did he say!?” and got the response “oh I didn’t talk to him”. She was a shy girl I guess? Nothing seemed to be wrong with any of them. I didn’t really respect the one girl who cheated, but we had no problems.
At the beginning of the year, I could see that there would be some problems with two dominate personalities in the house. Two of the girls would get into full on screaming matches about pointless things such as when Johnny Depp’s birthday was and how old he was. They would yell and try to get me involved and take a side. When I looked it up and would just tell them the answer, both of them would get angry at me because I didn’t choose a side, I ended it. They did not seem impressed by this at all.
I am not the smallest girl you have seen, but I’m not a big girl either. However, I felt like the fat girl in the room all the time. The girls would try and get me to dress slutty to go to bars and clubs (See threw clothes and very tight) but never being comfortable with my body, it was never something I wanted to do. They said they understood that and when they would go out, I would have a night to myself to watch a movie or bake, things that I loved to do. When they came home, all would be normal and we would carry on. As the school year started, two of the girls dropped some of their classes and were home A LOT. They became very close, and I did not think this was a bad thing. Myself balancing two jobs and trying to maintain my average thought this group of girls, who had known my struggles from the past, would understand that there were some nights where I couldn’t watch a movie, because I had to work or finish homework. The three girls became very close and started to exclude me when I was home and wanted to hang out with them. It was one of those feeling where you could tell they were JUST talking about you. Very awkward haha. As the year progressed they stopped talking to me all together, would post public nasty things about me on Facebook, so myself and my other friends could see, along with nasty notes though the house. Also, I had start to notice my things such as food and movies go missing and people having “no idea where THAT could be”, so I started to lock my personal belongings in my room. When I would come home from school or work, my room would be broken into and things such as clothes, make-up, jewellery, movies and alcohol were gone. One of the girls BROKE her Credit Card breaking into my room! After Christmas break, we came back and I thought the dust would be settled. I came back positive, hoping to regain what we had lost that first semester. I was wrong. Things only got worse. When I would come home they would run into their rooms saying “shhh she’s home”. Around this time I started to notice my things for the house started to go missing, almost 20 cups, some plates and silverware. They started to go missing the SAME week the girls put locks on their bedroom doors. After 6 months of growing depression, I finally broke down on the phone to my mom who had been my rock through it all. We decided that I could not wait 2 more months to get out of my lease and I needed to get out ASAP. So I performed a magic trick. Everybody went home for a weekend and in less than 24 hours, I had ask and confirmed with a friend to move into his basement, rented a U-Haul truck, storage unit, packed my room and the things in the house, moved myself and all the house furniture, for it was mine, out of the house and into a unit and my smaller things into my friends. YES!!! In less than 24 hours!! Should go down in history! Haha
Things were great, for a while. To my parents I moved in with an older co-worker (28), but for me, I was moving in with an ex. He was the only person that would be able to take me on such short notice, and even though he treated me poorly in the past he was the lesser of two evils. It was hard at first, to realize how big of a player he actually was. Different girl every night, house lit with candles, watching Bride Wars. First it was very hard, then I realized that I deserve better than that, and thank god I was out of that relationship. It also made me realized that even if he didn’t treat me poorly, we really clashed on a lot of things. We never were exclusively dating, just casual along with physical. It felt like I was in a controlling marriage and tied down after a while. He would be constantly messaging me asking where I was, what I was doing and who I was with. He would pick on the little things I liked to do like watch shows like The Bachelor and Vampire Diaries. I started to become self-conscious all over again, and tried to limit my time in the common room when he was home. Lucky for me, it was not that often! I had started a diet in January and at this point had lost 20lbs. He would ask me “is that ALL you’re eating” or “THAT’S what you’re eating…ha” self-conscious yet again.
With everything that had happened I managed to finish out the school year and maintain my average!! As a side note, I have been consistently in school for over a year, due to making up classes….another story… haha I had two weeks off, then started summer class. Shortly before summer class, I was able to move out of his house and into my new house! Classes started and I got back in the swing of things the first week, but it’s there and now three weeks later I seem to be having a lot of issues. Things don’t seem to be going right at all, homework is piling up, I have taken the past 3 weeks off at work. I have yet to unpack some things in my room and around the house. For some reason I keep getting this overwhelming feeling that things will go south again, and I will need to move out again. I was briefly seeing somebody that also recently ended. With classes going so fast, and work being due every day, I do not feel that I have the time, energy or passion that I use too. I feel like the men in this world are not what they use to be, I seem to keep getting screwed over in all aspects if its men, work, school, life in general. I feel SOO lost with everything, and I don’t really know what is real anymore. I will go to bed, wake up at 9am, have no motivation to do anything, I have no drive to get out of bed. So I go back to sleep till 2pm. Even then, I will think of thing that I need to accomplish, and feel so unmotivated to do any of them. Continue to lay in bed, by the time I get up and eat something, I have to start getting my things together to get to class for 5:30pm. I feel directionless, passionless, loveless and I don’t feel like caring anymore. Giving up on people and on dreams seems easier because the thought of having those dreams of better things, be it jobs or men, makes me sad to think I will not achieve them like this. And that STILL won’t motivate me. I don’t know if it’s a temporary feeling, if I am just burnt out or what. I just feel so lost and without hope. I cry myself to sleep countless times and I just don’t know what to do from here.
BeautifulInsanity BeautifulInsanity
18-21, F
May 24, 2012