Ready To Move On

I know that it has only been one post and one day, it has made me already feel a world of difference. I went to dinner with my friend tonight, and I didn’t really plan on telling anybody about my writing, but I told her. I think she might be the only person who will know. I found out that she has also been writing in a book for years, and it is how she vents and gets things out.

At school I have my best friends and at home I have a different set of best friends. But this summer, my best friend moved home, and I have been hanging out with her roommate, my other best friend. We have never really hung out solo until now, and I find that we have so much in common. We have so much more in common than I ever knew. We had similar experiences in life with our fathers, boys and siblings. There are no pressing things on my mind tonight, but I feel the need to say something, or talk about something because it feels good. I have never really thought of talking to people, or strangers, as a way to help me with my constant thinking and jumbling around in my head. I don’t mean to go on about things people don’t care about but I hope that at some point, somebody can reflect and read these posts and understand that they are not alone. Because even though I am surrounded by people most of the time, I don’t think I have ever felt more alone than I have this year.
The other night I was contacted by a guy from my past. It was probably one of the most emotional conversations I have had in an extremely long time, and I feel like I finally have closure. In order to understand, I have to take you back to 2001 when I met him. We were very young and he was 2 years older than me. When you are young like that he’s the boy you had a crush on. I am pretty sure our parents knew I liked him, they would tease me about becoming their daughter in-law and I would sit in the bleachers watching him play hockey with my brothers and dream. We would have amazing conversations through email and on the phone where you could talk to somebody for hours but not even realize it. We did not go to the same High School, we our towns were still close. We did not see much of each other, but we still managed to find time and talk to each other all the time. In 2003 his dad passed away, and he became the man of the house at a young age. We did not talk for a few years, for the simple fact that I didn’t really know what to say, and neither did he. It was awful. Finally my parents contacted his mom, invited them and our other friends for dinner, just to catch up. There he was again…. We did not talk too much, but he was still that dream guy. As we got older, feelings developed not only stronger, but I learned that he had them too. Finally, I saw him again when his older sister graduated and it was that heart skip a beat moment, where you look at him and he looks at you and you both know without words it was something more than friends. Too speed up to July 4th 2010, I had went to see him that night after fireworks. This was a ‘special’ night that we had been looking forward to for a long time. He would be THE guy. I had him and that was all I needed, I didn’t care about anything else. That night, that perfect night turned out to be a night I would never forget for reasons I NEVER would have thought pulling up to the house. That night has forever changed me, the way I look at men, the way I expect to be treated and many other things. That night, he did not have protection being very late at night and far away, I told him not that night, but another. It was not him, it was simply protection. That isn’t what he wanted to hear, nor did he seem to care what I thought. When I told him no, he held my arms down and forced upon me anyways. I was changed. And not since then had I not give 125% to get out of a situation like that. He went abroad for an extended period of time, and I went back to school and we, to this day, have not seen each other.

At the end of summer 2011 he had contacted me, drunk, talking about that night saying he had a lot of fun and he wanted me to come over again. I couldn’t believe this! I told him how I felt, how hurt and devastated I still was and he did not seem to have a care in the world about it. Almost like a “whoops” moment brush it under the carpet. Most recently he on Tuesday night he contacted me. He told me he was moving abroad and realizing he probably would not see me before, wanted to talk to me. This was so emotional for me. He apologized for everything, what he did, how he treated me, disrespected me and I was shocked. I know it does not change what has happened, nor will it ever, but I feel like I have some closure on that night. Most girls in my situation never get that closer, or that apology. It was such an amazing thing to see him man up and talk to me about it. I will continue to be protective of my heart, but I might be a little more comfortable with not assuming that’s what every guy is going to do. Every time I have a failed relationship, I always place the blame on myself and it roots its way back to that night. I wish I could see him before he left and I hope he moves on and enjoys living in Europe. All around he is not a bad man, he just made a very bad decision. This is the part of me that will affect me for a long time, but I am now willing to try again.

I have had some bad abusive relationships since then, but I have never once been in a relationship that I was not cheated on. Being 21, and already been through so much, I feel like I am ready for something serious, where I can fully give me heart to somebody. But I feel like I am judged for being 21 and wanting something so serious, where most men my age and in their mid 20s just want to party and sleep around. Where do I go from here is my question that I always seem to ask myself. This time I think I can answer it thought. I don’t know exactly where to go from here, but I know that there are far better things ahead that I will leave behind. I also know that in due time, somebody amazing will come into my life. I may know him already, I may not. As draining as going through all the wrong ones is, it makes me hopeful and excited to meet somebody who I can connect with. It may not be the man I marry, it may just be a really amazing guy, but I am ready to trust somebody with my past. I am ready for them to love me and treat me with what I deserve. I can’t wait to see where I go from here.
BeautifulInsanity BeautifulInsanity
18-21, F
May 25, 2012