I have always been a quiet girl. People would always ask me why I was so quiet. I didn't even know myself so I would just either shrug, or say I don't know. In recent months I have just accepted that I was a quiet person so I would instead tell them when they ask that I am just a quiet person, I'd rather listen to others and stuff..
The truth was, I hated being a quiet person. I wanted so badly to be able to converse with others with no problem. I had so many things to say but didn't know how to say it and when I finally do come up with the "right words" to say, the moment to say them have already passed.
My problem was I cared too much about what people thought of me, which prevented me from being the person that I really am. I tried to be almost perfect in everything I do and if I couldn't be perfect at it, I didn't do it. I would have jokes to say but I didn't think they were funny enough. I would want to answer a question in class but afraid I was going to get it wrong. I hated getting up in class to go to sharpen my pencil, I did not like walking from the lunch line to go sit down, because there was so many people that could see me. That's one of the reasons why I walk fast, to quickly get away from the eyes that are probably staring at me. I look down at the ground a lot and I believe I was kind of a sloucher. I rarely smiled.
I didn't smile much because I didn't have a reason to smile. I always looked serious but I am a very friendly person and is always ready for a laugh, even though I didn't laugh much (inside my head I do). Can you believe it? I was even scared to smile! I didn't have much self confidence. Though some people would tell me I was pretty and stuff, I didn't truly believe it. Or rather, I didn't care or thought much about it.
I had a lot of trouble at home, my stepdad and mom were always arguing and sometimes I would get scared for my mom. I would always get in trouble over the littlest of things. And crazy things happened to me that I'm not going to speak of. So this was a great factor in me being quiet, shy, and unhappy.
I have recently realized that I am a tense person and I've been working on how to relax. You know what would have really helped me as a human being? If people actually told me about myself. Like hey you, you always look sad or mad, you're always looking down, you run like you're trying to eat dirt. I didn't have nobody to really tell me why I should respect myself, be myself, to not be afraid, to aim high and shoot for my goals, or to believe in myself. Not enough. Nope, I had to learn it the hard way. I know some of these things may sound like just common sense, but no, some people have to be taught it.
College was crazy for me. The crowd that I hung out with were really cool, but were a bad influence. My kindness was taken advantage of. I didn't mind until I realized that when I say no to something, they wouldn't listen and take me seriously. Things got better and worse after that. I started standing up for myself and saying no and questioning people. I bought things for only Me, things that I needed and wanted, not worrying about if this or that will be enough for my other friends. I found things that I was passionate about (singing and drawing. Guess you can say I was going though the "finding yourself" stage). Then I decided to hang out with people that liked the same things as me, people that was like me. I found 2 people and hung out with them and the time we hung out was the best night of my life. I've never talked, smiled, and laughed as much as I did ever in my life. I couldn't even stop smiling for what seemed like a minute, even when I tried to. I finally believed in myself, that I could do anything I set my mind to.
Now I am out of college but I am going back soon. I have a reason to smile now, to stand up tall, to talk. Because I have something to live for and believe in, myself, and I can't forget about God! I couldn't do it without him! I still struggle sometimes but I have definitely improved.
For those of you that are having trouble being you, I have this to say: You are an unique person and you best believe it. You have good, weird, and bad things about you, nobody is perfect. Accept that. Shoot, write out a list if you must. And of things you like and dislike. You are missing out on living, nobody truly cares about your mistakes, because they make em too. So make mistakes and keep on rolling. It may be hard at first, but practice makes.....us human. Tell a corny joke, get an answer wrong, say what you want to say, not what is "right" to say.

Nisha303 Nisha303
22-25, F
Aug 25, 2014