Why I Feared My Inner Girl

There a number of reasons I feared "her". First, my father & older brothers were what we call manly men. My mother knew I was a bit different and dealt with it directly with me in a loving & tender manner. She kept my secrets away from them thus protecting me from problems.

Secondly in the 50's & 60's, th eyears of my youth, the terms transvestite or cross-dresser were unknown. The fact was that if a male wanted to wear panties, dresses, etc. he was termed a queer...plain & simple...subject to humiliation, contempt and was shunned by most. To have one's reputation & good name so labelled brought shame on the family, affected college applications and job opportunities especially with the government. Even the military could refuse to accept volunteers who were found to be among those acting & dressing as women.

Finally, my desires to be girlie, wear dresses & heels, and be as feminine as possible went against the ideals instilled in me as a youth. My goals were to succeed in a life full of honor & respect. I had aspirations at one time of a military career but shut it down after 4 years because of the internal conflict. An opportunity to run for public office presented itself but I declined for fear of being closely scrutiznized & found out.

Today's world is far different & less restricted than what I grew up in when the terms diversity & inclusion had not come to the forefront yet. Still somehow, & I haven't a clue why really, I made it through those times successfully...I quit fighting things & accepted my inner girl and continued to live, work & contribute as a good citizen without compromising principles or my inner girl. There are times I still have to hide "her", but for the most part she see the light of every day.

janusatv janusatv
61-65, T
5 Responses May 20, 2012

Very similar circumstance, I was also outed by my Mom and Aunts. They tried to turn me around by disciplining me every time they caught me dressed or caught me with there panties or other items stocking and such. I love there scent.

I grew up in your world and had to hide my desires as well. I did enlist in 1970 and served in Vietnam as well. I later got married and raised a family, all the things a man was supposed to be but always wanting to be female. Last year I finally accepted myself as transgender and have been living as a woman ever since. I have never been happier and will never go back

You hit the hammer on the nail Janusatv. I lived through the 60's. I only had sisters and had a secret desire to be treated like another sister. My father was a military man and my mother, like my father was a strict disciplinarian.
I have an inner girl also. There is only one picture of her (in my avatar). Most times she's fun and adventurist but sometimes she gets depressed and lonely.
Occasionally, I let her come out and visit me. We dress up really pretty and if it's dark out, we go on the swing. She wants to go out for a walk in daytime one day.
Maybe, one day we shall.

One of my biggest regrets from high school concerned the one openly gay boy in our small school. It is the one confession I have on here.

wish my wife would enjoy my inner self as i do

Slavesindee, I know what you are saying and feeling I too have that same wish!