I Wish I Never Met You

You're my friend. You're my enemy. You're the one I love. You're the one I can't trust. I hate you, I love you, and I want you. All at the same time.

You don't like me. I'm just you're friend. You like him. I never want to admit that I was jealous. That I wanted you to like me instead. I let myself think that I just wanted to help. To help you realize how much you're worth. I think that was only half-true.

I thought there was something wrong with me. Maybe that's why you didn't like me. I looked for my flaw. I found them. I found too many. I couldn't change fast enough. So I cut deeper. Instead of getting angry. Instead of crying.

I thought if I could change, you'd like me better. I was wrong. You still liked him. So I kept looking for flaws. And I found some more. I still couldn't change fast enough.

I hated you. I didn't want to. You weren't to blame. I hated myself. For loving you. For hating you. I still loved you. So I suffered in silence and cut deeper. Eventually I stopped hating you. I started loving you again.

But you moved on to another guy. So I looked for flaws. And I found even more. By then, I didn't care about changing quickly.

I tried moving on. Didn't work. I tried telling someone. Didn't work. I tried finding someone else to love. Didn't work. I tried finding something new to do. Didn't work.

I didn't forget. About you. About him. About my flaws. So I cut deeper.

Then everyone noticed. Long sleeves weren't good enough. Too many questioning stares. Too many people seeking answers. Too much stuff I didn't want to deal with. So I cut deeper.

Then two important people noticed. Mom and Dad. Questions I couldn't refuse to answer. Bare-minimum answers sufficed. Couldn't cut deeper. Got checked everyday for new scars. Couldn't cut deeper. Asked time after time, "Are you okay?" Couldn't cut deeper.

I still love you. You still love him. I still hate myself. Can't cut deeper. You're my friend. The one person I want to care about me. But I'm just your friend. Can't cut deeper.

I don't know what to do. I don't know who to trust. I don't want to live. Can't cut deeper. Crying at night. Anger during days. Distance at all times. Can't cut deeper.

I will always love you. But, I wish I never met you.
TrafalgarLaw TrafalgarLaw
18-21, F
Jan 22, 2013