Do you remember a time where I was just a few feet and even years older than you? When I could wake up every day and play with you without the fear of judgment. You had accumulated a lot of accessories in such a short amount of time. But of course you had too share them with your "siblings" and "cousins." You never seemed to mind it though. I always reminded you that they just want to be as good as you were. Occupying what was yours was as close as they could get to that.
To tell you the truth, I always liked you more. So much that I can remember the day you entered my life. The first time holding you felt like I had just found the answer to life's biggest question.
Your smiling expression always had an effect on me. I could never be too careful with you. I changed your clothes almost daily, took you on walks In that awesome pink stroller that I still have stored away in the closet. I made sure I did the absolute most I could. You were never just left on, out on the floor, or without clothes. No... I could never do that to you.
Do you remember the car rides? I had to make sure that your car seat was perfectly centered and that you were buckled securely before we could even pull off. If the sun was too bright I'd make sure you had a blanket over the top of the car seat so it wouldn't shine so bright on your face and disturb you. I remember listening to you babble and me bringing your special bracelet up to your face. You loved it so much. Must have been the pretty blue flower. It had you talking and talking and talking. Well... baby talk anyways. But I still loved to listen to your coos and babbles of "Cece" and if I was lucky that day "Mama." But when you cried that was a different story. I remember telling myself that I couldn't pick you up and hold you in a moving car. Although sometimes I did. But most of the time I gave you your bottle in hopes that it would soothe you. You accepted with the sound of slurping, breathing, drinking, slurping, breathing, breathing, drinking, repeat. A sound that made me so happy. I watched as your eyes closed and you drifted into your dreams. I still to this day wonder what you would dream about. Whatever they were I just hope they were good and that you felt safe and content. But always felt safe and content with how I treated you.
One of my strongest memories and so what of a realization point was a few years after I had first gotten you. I was determined to bring you or the store with me. I had everything prepared and ready. Car seat, blanket, bottles, and a full diaper bag! When I arrived at the store I was so pumped. You had never really been out in public before like this. But just as I was getting ready to grab the car seat with you in it, I was convinced that I couldn't take you in the store with me. I had to quickly accept that fact. It didn't feel good leaving you in the car that day. I was scared that you might get to hot or someone might try to take you away from me. Thank God that never happened.
I never let anyone take you. "No she's mine you can't have her!" But it seemed like every year at Christmas or another Birthday I grew less and less attached to you and tried to form a bond with some of your new "siblings." They were so new, exciting, advanced, and interactive! Holding my attention to the day I received a new one.
Over time your possessions started to become somebody else's. I had to get rid of a few things so they went to my cousins or parents friends kids who could put them to more use. Along the way your bracelet had disappeared. The one thing I never wanted to ever lose.
You may not know this but I always made sure you were safe. Made sure you weren't packed up, donated, or even thrown away like many of the other, what I know call, replacements. You were my prized possession. I could NEVER replace you.

I look over to the side of my bed and can see my old Tweety Bird blanket that's just as old as you. I can't sleep without it. It's been a little bit over 11 years since I felt your new condition. Smelt your new scent. Touched your new vinyl skin. But that's because you are not new anymore. Under the blanket is a small odd shaped mass about half the size of my arm. Taking off the blanket the mass no longer looks odd.
I slowly pull you over to me. Your bright blue eyes open and awake. Your smile still the same throughout the years. Looking out of the corner of my eye my brain likes to trick me into thinking that I see your chest rising and falling. Might as well be because right now you are just as you ever have been baby girl. So I am going to confess to you everything. But before that I would like to say that I am sorry for all the ack of care and attention over the past few years. I just want to hold you and tell you that Mommy will always love you Cece. Just as you have always loved me.

A lot of you won't understand why I wrote this. But that's ok because I'm not too sure either. I feel as if I needed to finally recognize her and not be afraid to do it. So why not start here? She is not just a doll. She is my childhood that I can hold in my very own hands. I am so thankful that I have never had the urge to get rid of her. I'm starting to reconnect now and it's such an amazing feeling. When I'm sick and tired or just plain stressed, anything. I can hold her and talk to her in my mind. I know she can't hear me but it
for me is a way to vent and give a little love to something (someone) I have an AMAZING boyfriend who accepts me and what I do. He is the one who encouraged me to bring her back Into my life. I love him so much for that and for everything he has ever done. I'm pretty sure she loves him too. With him and her with me I feel the happiest. I am complete.
SylenaEverlasting SylenaEverlasting
18-21, F
1 Response Aug 27, 2014

I love you so much. I'm glad I'll get to have you as the mother of our children. Never lose your motherly love baby, cause it's perfect *hug*