Personally Impersonal

I will share some stuff about me here and if you have questions, ask away. :)

I was born without a whole brain and with physical disabilities. But the disabilities were not noticeable unless I was in a situation I needed help in. I never went to special education schools, rarely got special treatment by a teacher or principal.

I was raised as an open-minded Christian and raised with Christian music: Gospel, Pop, Rap, Hip Hop. I went to a Christian Pentecostal school that had put their own twists on what the Bible said and had very strict fashion rules, til I was 11. My dad and mom caught the Pastor being dishonest and we left the church and school. Their curriculum wasn't the best in teaching. I and others got held back at other schools not from failing but to learn as much as our age ranges were expected to know. I went to a Christian Assemblies Of God school from 12 to 13 for 5th and 6th grade repeats. I went to a Christian Non-Denominational church and it became my home church. I went to a very strict Christian Baptist school after I graduated from the 6th grade and I was there from 7th grade to 12th grade, ages 14 to 19. I went to a public college for less than 2 semesters when I was 20.

I have always been sensitive physically and emotionally. Stress and physical pain have always traveled in circles for me. Life was not easy but I was a happy person and I stayed true to Jesus, no offense nonbelievers of Jesus.

I am not a lesbian. I go for males, but I completely understand why people would think I am a lesbian even if the pondering makes me upset.

When I was growing up in the Pentecostal worlds, people were taught to spank, yell at, control and exclude younger generations. Parents, teachers, principals, babysitters. Kids were understandably afraid and living their choices in secrecy. Girls were commanded to look certain ways. Males were commanded to be the dominating, controlling beings.

I got detention for two hours for taking my sweater off one day, and yes, I was fully and modestly clothed underneath. But the day had gotten warmer and there was an option on detention slips, "took off clothes". I drew. I wrote. I did the best I could in schoolwork. I got detention for drawing a picture of a guy and a girl kissing. I got spanked for not finishing my schoolwork. I got spanked for going to the bathroom more than once in class. Etc.

I was fondled against my will by a male when I was 11 years old at the Pentecostal school. I got stomped on by a male bully at the same school and when I told the male teacher, I got detention for crying.

I got bullied for two years by guys and girls the second school I was at when I was 12 and 13. The teachers would tell my dad to take me home and give me a good, old fashioned spanking, if I talked when it wasn't my turn to talk. I started hurting myself at that time.

I started feeling uncomfortable around males, same grade as me and bigger than me. I was already detaching myself from any male who said they liked me. I would hurt myself if I knew someone else bigger than me would hurt me. I was and am petite for my age. I get scared very easily. I had an easy time trusting females even though some were mean. I started to feel afraid of being alone with a male.

I was still considered happy, friendly, loving, kind, artistic. I stopped hurting myself. I was friendly to others and figured I had to be my own friend first.

I went to my home church where people loved each other and didn't hurt each other. I was very chatty with the females, not so much the males. I felt special whenever the male Pastor was nice and not mean to me. I felt like I was at home with those people, a nice home.

I went to junior high and high school. Very strict but at least the grownups didn't beat me or yell at me or punish me for no valid reason. I got demerits for talking too much and for being late. Being late I couldn't help cause I'm slower than most. I was afraid to be alone with a male. I was chatty and more friendly with the females, even though guys and girls were being mean to me. I would just go home, and after getting hurt from my family, would turn my music on. I was told by my folks that I missed out on the rebellious stage, which is good.

I got teased about boys people thought I liked. I spent time with girls outside of school and a few guys the girls could vouch for.

I got teased in 7th grade about a 12th grader Caleb Clark, granted I was hanging out with the juniors and seniors in my 7th and 8th grades. I got to meet two males who put truth to the term "good twin, evil twin". Jon Hung was nice in 7th and 8th grade. His twin brother Chris Hung was evil, evil, evil, to me in 7th and 8th grade. I got teased in 8th grade about another 8th grader Kyle Smith but secretly I wished I liked Ben Takushi. 15 years old, end of 8th grade, few months before 16, I get my period for the first time. Unlearned about such things cause I was not taught, I loudly told my mother in front of my father and his best friend, my Uncle, that there was blood on my panties.

In 9th grade, I got teased about Kyle Smith and made big art pictures about liking him then people finally shushed about him to me. I got mocked by a 10th grader when I was in the 9th grade and fake-proposed by him. A girl in 8th grade who hung out with me liked him though, Brandon McNichols.

In 10th grade, I got teased about Andy Dorsey from Indonesia who had only studied at that school for one year. I never heard of him til the rumors. He almost ran me over with his car later in the year and kept giving me hateful looks after. Hey, I didn't like the rumors either but I wasn't gonna go kill him for it. I told the teacher, he admitted it, she told me to call the cops, I opted to just wait it out since he was 12th grade and about to graduate.

17 years old, tenth grade. Nightmares started revealing limited memories of getting touched forcibly by a male and forcing me to touch him followed by him telling me not to tell anyone.

In 11th grade, my worst nightmare. I got teased, stalked, bullied, harassed, etc, by schoolmates, teachers and family about Wally Karr. I had not heard of him til I was informed that people thought I liked him (how lovely to hear I like someone I don't know exists.) I tried to kill myself to end the stress pains. I got a D in a subject I got A's in. I couldn't figure out how to get the answer to 2 + 2 in math and I love math. I had to drop half my classes cause of stress. It overwhelmed me, the stalking, at school, on the phone, at home, at the mall, at the gas station, at church, at the movies, at the restaurants, at the rec centers, you name it. I pretended to have a boyfriend just to get them to leave me alone and leave him alone, but for a girl who has strong facial expressions and no poker face, that was not the way to handle it. He tried being my friend but if I said hi, the bullying became worse. I didn't intentionally binge. But if I am stressed, I absolutely cannot eat. I feel full. If I do eat, I throw up on my body's own time, without any intent from me.

12th grade. Emotional "Hell" on Earth. Teachers being nice but students and family not. Bullied and stalked about Wally Karr 11th grade, Justin Crowe 9th grade who I never even heard of til the rumors. Chris and Jon returned for the 12 grade. Chris was nice and Jon was nice. I developed a tiny crush on Chris and let him know. Jon may as well have turned into the devil cause he was so mean after that. Still dealing with stalking and rumors, now Jon, and still getting hit by my dad and being called stupid, still having to do all the chores while able-bodied sister gets out of it, still being called Cinderella by my mother and gramma, still being hit, punched and having things thrown at by my younger brother. Still afraid to be alone with a male. Still afraid of anger kept in and displayed. Still afraid of tempers.

High School is over. The bullying is not. I stopped getting bullied and stalked when I was 26 years old, after telling people I loved him, wrote I heart Wally in the dust on the VCR, wrote a fake love letter to him. College, I was physically hurt over a guy. I went semi-conscious another day just thinking about it. Dropped out after that.

Discovered the Internet. Made a reputation for myself as I always deleted accounts if someone hurt me over a guy or if a guy was mean to me. Still was uncomfortable to be alone with a male. Still tensed up if a male touched me in a friendly way unless he was my family. Still felt really trusting of females.

Here I am almost 35 years old. I got repeatedly sexually and physically abused every day for seven months when I was 32. I still cannot handle tempers, anger, bullies, etc. I feel terrorized and trapped if I am friends with a male who keeps wanting to be my friend but who keeps losing his temper. My brother is nice to me but after many years of violence as a boy then death threats as a teen, I fear he wants to kill me. I cannot handle being friends with females who like to bully me about guys. I cannot handle being friends with males who have tempers. Especially if it is offline. I will literally back away and be afraid you are going to hurt me. At least on the Internet I can block, remove, delete.
blossomingbeauti blossomingbeauti
36-40, F
1 Response Apr 22, 2012

Have you ever considered about getting out? From wherever you are? No one deserve this kind of treatment, do you know that?

yes i know and i live by myself now. my mother used to get mad at me if i told her what my brother did. my dad tried to help and my stepdad tried to help. i am looking forward to the day when i can be married and have a family with the relationship i will have with my hubby. first i need to get back to being awake during the day. my internal schedule changed after i got sexually and physically abused. thanks for your concern. :)

You will. It's take time to heal all those wounds and I know some will leave scars but I'm REALLY glad you're not hurting anymore? Are you?
You deserve to be happy and you know it:) Lovexxx