This comes from wanting to do everything on my own. My father really tried to make us independent. So as an adult, I tend to have more difficult times with any given situation because I dont ask for help... even when I need it.
hibislo hibislo
8 Responses Jul 2, 2007

Yes choosing your battles is important. Maintaining a delicate balance of giving and taking is very tricky. I dont know the best way. But I've experimented by taking without giving (immediately) and have come to see different sides of people. Fortunately for me, they have not been overwhelmingly ugly. :)<br />
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I realize that the formalities and doing what's "proper" is important to maintain good relationships, but it's also important to know (or find out) that those relationships could survive even w/o the formalities. That is what makes a relationship solid. <br />
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I havent gone that far in my experimentations to reveal all truths but I trust that they will be revealed to me one day.

I dont expect birthday gifts on my birthday. It is ALWAYS a bonus. And I dont always bring gifts even though I mean to. :) I understand what you mean though.... I am always mindful of bringing a gift because I know I'm "supposed to" but is that the best way to operate? Especially when I dont hold birthday parties, or drop hints or expect anyone to give me a gift?<br />
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Anyways we might be straying from the point of this story. What I'm trying to be better at doing is learning how to accept from others and not feel I have to give back immediately. Seems like not only do I not like to ask for help, I also dont like to accept gifts either. *shrug. sigh.*

Friends will appreciate your gifts, both the obvious ones and the hidden ones. And reciprocation within friendships happens during the course of a lifetime, not an hour or even a month. We have to think of it like this. Otherwise, all interactions would be no less robotic than a simple liquor store transaction. Your friends are not cooking for you when you are sick because they want you to fix their broken VCR. Right?

We all give in different ways. The chef will treat his friend to a 7 course meal while a gardener would bring the tomatoes!

Actually my age group has been corrected! So maybe I am not too mature for my age after all. :) This weekend I practiced the idea of fluid exchange. It is still somewhat tricky, but I am getting better at it. It's hard though not to be aware and sort of keep track of the "transactions" that are happening everyday. I guess it is a life process to learn this.

You sound very mature for your age group and there's absolutely nothing wrong with that. You have to be very wise and cunning to live in this world today. You are an independent woman and there's nothing wrong with that either. Just don't forget to listen to others opinions and sift through them. You don't necessarily have to comply with them, just keep what you need and go on. That still keeps you strong, independent, and intelligent.

Yes, I agree that trust is a key issue here. It's hard to allow someone else have such an impact on your own life decisions. But for me, another issue is also the idea of fluid exchange of "favors" between people.<br><br />
By this, I mean that sometimes I am reluctant to accept help from people because I am afraid one day I will be expected to return something that I cannot give, or dont want to give, or am not ready to give. I tend to be more comfortable with an immediate and equal exchange. At time of transaction, it's over and done with.<br><br />
I am consumed with an overwhelming sense of debt once I accept something from someone I have not "paid" for in some way. This sense of debt is what I try to avoid.<br><br />
I question this approach, because it makes my life in many ways "harder" than it necessarily needs to be because I have to do Everything on my own. Perhaps it's time for a change in approach. I would like to feel more comfortable asking for help when I need it and not feel this consuming sense of debt. After all, why make things bigger than they really are?

i feel like a big part of this is trust. for me anyway. it's hard to grow up thinking you have to do everything on your own, then be thrown into a world where it's almost as though leaning on others is the only acceptable option. dont' worry. humans adapt! lucky for us!