I Will Be Alone For Life
It's not that I haven't tried to be social or looked for someone share time with. I have been on a few 'dates'. Gone to some social events. I have tried to resume living a normal life.
But I'm broken, even dead inside and I just don't want to involve anyone else in my mess. What started as an idea to motivate me to become a better person, one worthy of the company of others, has turned into a string of garlic hung about my neck meant only to keep others away and at a safe distance.
I still make dates, but cancel them at the last minute. I make plans only to cancel them as well. As time moved on I thought the feelings of being with people would return and become stronger. Instead, those feeling are nowhere to be found.
Recently, I had some people over for Christmas Eve dinner. Everything went great and if you happened to be looking in the window at the time you would have seen a very normal get together with everyone smiling and laughing, even me. But the thought was always there, "How long before I become the bomb?" "How long before I explode?"
Even worse is what I believe they're thinking about me. The elephant in the room no one is talking about, but clearly see. What are they 'really' thinking about me.
I have taken a good idea and turned into a weapon. Now I hide from the world, hoping not to be found out for the flawed failure I am. My past proves I destroy all things I touch. I will not destroy anything else. If this means I'll be alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. I am only one person that can be easily avoided.
But I'm broken, even dead inside and I just don't want to involve anyone else in my mess. What started as an idea to motivate me to become a better person, one worthy of the company of others, has turned into a string of garlic hung about my neck meant only to keep others away and at a safe distance.
I still make dates, but cancel them at the last minute. I make plans only to cancel them as well. As time moved on I thought the feelings of being with people would return and become stronger. Instead, those feeling are nowhere to be found.
Recently, I had some people over for Christmas Eve dinner. Everything went great and if you happened to be looking in the window at the time you would have seen a very normal get together with everyone smiling and laughing, even me. But the thought was always there, "How long before I become the bomb?" "How long before I explode?"
Even worse is what I believe they're thinking about me. The elephant in the room no one is talking about, but clearly see. What are they 'really' thinking about me.
I have taken a good idea and turned into a weapon. Now I hide from the world, hoping not to be found out for the flawed failure I am. My past proves I destroy all things I touch. I will not destroy anything else. If this means I'll be alone for the rest of my life, then so be it. I am only one person that can be easily avoided.
By:
BohemianTragedy
Age:
46-50
,
Male
1
response
