I Want to Say I Will Be Stronger

i am a 53 year old male and have always settled for the comfort zone, i fell in love with a wonderful person who i loved very much but was not attracted to and she left me after 3 years because i could not give her the passion she desired, but i did and do love her any one who met her is blessed for knowing her , i am so hurt but i got what i deserve , i am not a shallow person but if your not attracted to some one physically but are in love with them and respect them and treat then good and they treat you good and your beliefs are the same what do you do ? devestated

she has moved on and is doing well for herself and i could not be happier for her but i can't get her out of my head some times love just ain't enough HELP!

you have gone out of your comfort zone. Those tht have the courage not to appear happy when they are not are changing the world. 40+ are the wisest teenagers. Maybe living without goals is where you need to be.

I am going through almost the same thing, with a little different circumstances. I have been married 3 times and don't think that I really loved any of them. I was pregnant 3 times and 3 times I got married because of it (don't worry I have taught my kids not to do the same.) At the divorce hearing my ex husband was given physical custody of my kids, he even got the one that had none of his blood in her. Anyhow, I believe I was afraid to be alone and I met a man and fell head over heels, God sanctioned love with him. For once I wasn't selfish, I worried about him before me. If he did something that hurt me, I could forgive him and all of the pain of the hurt was gone. The loss of my kids (I had joint custody but my ex wouldn't allow me to see the kids and he had filled their heads with so many lies that they didn't want to see me for about 5 years) and meeting my future Mr X, guided me toward God. My spirituality and relationship with God grew so much and I am not glad that I couldn't see my kids but the relationship with Jesus enabled me to make it through without having a nervous breakdown. Well, I lived with Mr. X for about 7 years. I loved him the way God loves us. Not of course to the degree that he perfectly loves us but I gave all of myself to him without demanding anything back. About a year ago he was diagnosed with cirrhosis and encephalopathy (nitrogen goes into the brain caused by protien and ammonia) which causes dementia. I stood by him for so many things and wanted to be with him until the end of time. About 4 or 5 months ago he started seeing people in our house. We kept really close to each other and no one hardly came to see us, it was just me and him against the world. Anyhow, it progressed to the point that he would see a man and the man would be sleeping with me. He would get upset so often and acuse me of sleeping with who I called the Shadow Man. Mr X said that I was opening up the windows to let him in, also he had brought along his family. Anyhow he would shortly say that he was going to leave me but after I convinced him that I loved him so much (which was true) he would also say that he was just upset and that he would never leave. This went on for about 4 or 5 months. I loved him anyhow, I knew he was sick and accepted it and tried to ease his pain by proving that no one was there. On Halloween morning, about a month ago he walked out the door. No goodbye, no closure, he just left. He came back and got a few of his things but I am left with a full size mattress piled 4 feet high of his possessions (which the majority I bought for him anyhow) that he said he was going to come and last Friday. He didn't show and he did talk to me and said that he would come this week to get the clothes. He told me that he would call before he came. I have tried to call him but they won't answer the phone when I call.



So, after that novel, I am alone. I don't know if I will be this way forever or not but I am finding that I was suppressing alot of me, even though I shared with him the most of me I ever have. I suppressed me and what I wanted to just make him happy. To do this made me happy. As far as the future, I am going to carve out a new life for myself, focusing on myself. I've started going to church to meet some friends and people that share the values that I do. I've learned that I want to love again but I want to love like God teaches us but have a partner that loves me in the same way. Whether there is a person out there or not, I only have one life and I have to live it. Instead of jumping into a relationship with a man, a mistake alot of women make, I am going to take the time to heal and to figure out who I am as a person. I'm 44 years old and going through what teenagers go through. That's okay because with God anything is possible and he will give me the strength to make it through this horrid time in my life. I hope one day to be able to think of him and smile because prior to his sickness he was the kindest most gentle man that I had ever met. That is when his heart was open. I know that you are going to be okay. Have faith in God or whoever you feel is your leader because then you will have the strength to really look at your relationships and get rid of the things in yourself that YOU don't like and basically just love yourself. You are blessed because you have your kids and you are strong because of the trials such as this that you have gone through. I heard a quote once that really fits this situation: Life lessons will be presented to you, if you do not grasp them they will continue to be given to you until you do grasp them. At that point you will be given a new lesson and that's pretty much the way it works.



I wish you all the luck and have 100% confidence that you are going to be okay. Just give it time, hold your head up and your shoulders back and smile and be you.

My best to you, Sherri

You can be strong and you will make that difference, because you are aware of it and desire it.