My First One

This is my husband's first deployment, and it's so much harder than I thought it would be.

He's only been gone a couple of weeks, but I've never felt this alone. I wake up in the middle of night and have to remind myself that he isn't next to me. I literally sleep on top of my phone, just in case it buzzes at 5 in the morning. I try not to commit myself to any activity that I can't quickly excuse myself from. I don't think I processed how much of me was wrapped up in him.

I have never felt so dependant on another person. He went on his first mission last week and told me he would be out of contact for a day or two. I talked to him a day and a half later because they were stuck on a border in a sandstorm. That was another two days ago...

I've been told over and over and over that it's the safest it's ever been, but I'm a worrier. I just can't help but let my emotions start to build up. All I can do is pray for all of them, but I wish I could just hear his voice, hear him say he's okay and that he loves me.

I think the hardest part is the lack of support. My husband is a reservist, switching to active when he comes home. We live around an hour and a half from his station, and I really don't know any of the other wives/girlfriends from the platoon. I really don't have anyone I can just talk to who is going through it too, or has already gone through it. I don't really know what to expect r how to cope with the feelings and emotions. Sometimes I just want to cry until I exhaust myself...sometimes I just want to lash out at my friends because they can't possibly understand how I feel. Sometimes I just want to lay in bed all day and pretend that this is a dream I have to wake up from.

I am so insanely proud of him and proud of what he's doing, but I just feel lost right now.

rollergirl rollergirl
22-25, F
1 Response Feb 23, 2009

I was exactly like you when my fiance left.. Here are some of the things that helped me through my deployment. Care packages! Send lots of them. I would send old pictures, movie ticket stubs, old notes.. Once I even sent him my pillow case and he loved it! Write using snail mail.. It makes things more romantic, at least it did for me. Sometimes, I would just have a movie day with myself. Sounds depressing but sometimes laying in bed all day with my dog made me feel better. Keeping busy really does help, I promise. I keep my phone on me at all times but don't be afraid to commit to activities.. They will help time pass. Hang in there!