It Feels Like The World Is Against Me

Ive tried writing this 10 times. No way that i write is satisfying me at all but i feel like i need to get something out or i will be driven mad. So i am sorry if this doesnt make much sense. I am just going to say it like it is. I am so incredibly frustrated, i dont get why nobody understands how i am feeling. Everywhere i turn, it feels like walls have been built up around me, with people screaming at me demands, expectations, lies about me, criticisms. I feel like no one thinks i am good enough, no matter how hard i try somehow the world finds a way for me to fail. for example. I was top of my english class, all year i got the top mark on absolutely everything, then in the end of the year i write a brilliant essay on the wrong book. Because of this, I failed English outright. Not because i cant write an essay, not because i didn't address the question, not because i cant spell, but because i wrote one essay on the wrong book. that one tiny mistake, caused all my hard work to go to waist! and it was my university entrance subject. so now i have to repeat another year of school all because of one subject which i was top of the class in. I AM GREAT AT ENGLISH, I ALWAYS HAVE BEEN!!!!!!! I GOT TOP MARKS ALL YEAR, SURELY THEY CANT SAY I AM A FAILURE BECAUSE OF ONE MISTAKE!!! PLEASE:((
I feel like in the last 3 months my life has just plummeted to the ground, its like someone up there is laughing at me, laughing at my pain. My friends that were as close as my family have suddenly ganged up on me and are spreading rumours and gossiping about me in front of my face and behind my back to everyone. I have absolutely no idea why, all i did was move schools. I want to know why, what did i do wrong, how can someone go from having so many people who love them to being the most hated just by moving schools. HOW! what did i do wrong? why cant someone tell me, i want my friends back, but how can i fix something when i dont even know what I did. why is this happening to me? I try so hard to keep everyone happy and to do everything right and yet nothing works! I cant even get things right at work, and its not my fault. The stupid waiters stuffed up the order the other night, and I got the blame. My boss slammed the glass on the bar and yelled at me asking me why I got it all wrong, when it was the waiters fault in the first place.
Do you see why i am so frustrated, angry, sad. I keep getting punished for things i didnt do. I try my absolute hardest, push my self to the limit, and get treated like dirt in return. I tried so hard with my friends, inviting them out to a dinner, to my place, to come swimming but all they could do was ***** about me. and i dont know why! i havent done anything wrong. My boss gets angry at me when im absolutely racing, going as fast as i can, and when the mistakes aren't even my fault! I just do what i am told but i still get yelled at for it. Then i try my absolute hardest in english, get top marks in every single assignment, test, presentation then stuff up one essay and am failed for the whole entire subject. IM BEING PUNISHED FOR THINGS I NEVER DID WRONG IN THE FIRST PLACE. yet i just have to keep quiet, i wear a smile on my face everyday, cause i just cant even start to explain things to people. Secondly i dont trust anyone.
I've trusted, forgiven, loved, forgiven and trusted again people so many times, and every single time they just stab me in the back.
Every single guy ( and that is no exaggeration) that i have had anything to do with has either lied to me, cheated on me, spread rumours about me, fell in love with my so called best friend and made out with her in front of me, stabbed me in the back, used me, or disrespected me to the point where i have been in tears.
I have had people tell my deepest secrets to everyone and twist them. It sounds self centered but i have been hurt so much that im not even sure if its possible for me to feel love for anyone or trust anyone ever again. I block everyone out, even the people im closest to now, which is hardly anyone. Im scared of peoples thoughts and i am never happy with myself.. I suffered from anorexia last year and am still getting over it, no matter how hard i try to prove to myself and everyone that i am okay, and the more i try the more i fail.
I DONT UNDERSTAND.
i feel so lonely, so frustrated and angry. I dont know what i am doing with my life, i dont know why im being so unfairly done by. I know it sounds like i just feel sorry for myself, but this is just how it is, I cant even explain how i feel i guess its everything apart from happy.
I feel, Angry, frustrated, Anxious, sad, confused, lonely, disrespected, hated, useless, hopeless, worthless, depressed.
I cant let this out though, and i feel like I haven't explained even a quarter of the reasons or feelings.
Please sometimes i just want to start life over.
guineverexoxo guineverexoxo
18-21, F
Jan 21, 2013