Fighting The Unknown

When I was 15 I started hearing voices and hallucinating , it was terrifying and the hardest thing I have ever had to fight. I felt weak and attempted suicide twice. Having voices telling you to do things all throughout the day and night , & hallucinating 'demons' coming out of my walls and under my blankets was petrifying and I wanted to do anything I could to get them to stop. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder & generalized anxiety disorder & ADD (But who doesn't have ADD ;) ) after a year of tests and have been put on over 60 different medications in the last five years. I lost friends , I mean how do you explain the loud voices and try to get people to understand what you see when they can't see a thing. From the depression & voice attacks I got severely into cutting and than became addicted to the feeling. I felt crazy and I didn't want to be a 'problem' for my family and friends. Some of my family was supportive and some judgmental. But what really mattered to me was my parents, sister, brother and grandmothers approval . I was in deep depression for a year and in grade ten I was have manic episodes a couple times a year that would last a month or so. Bipolar is one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with and fight. You want to so bad give up; but I fought & I fought hard. I found strength within myself that I did not think I had, I know that if I did not have my family I would not have been able to find that strength. It does get better once you find the right medication combination but it took me four years to find that right mix and it is still hard and it is a day to day struggle just easier.

In March of 2012 I was starting to have a lot of difficulty with my memory, migraines , walking and my muscles I felt were giving out on me. I was always very ill & it was bed ridden for weeks at a time. I went to work and my arm went numb. I went to the emerg and by the third day of being hospitalized I was paralyzed from the neck down , unable to feed myself, take myself to the bathroom, shower myself or even brush my own teeth. I had to have other people wipe my own *** for crying out loud. With tests.. being poked by needles everywhere, I mean everywhere, being shocked to test my nerves and constant blood work and MRI's I was diagnosed with metochromatic leukodystrophy; told I was going to never walk again and be paralyzed from the neck down for the rest of my life. I was at loss for words. I decided that I was not going to be depressed about the news I was given but take in each and every day I had with my friends and family. I had atleast six friends in my room from the time the visiting hours started till they ended. My friends, my true friends are the reason why I was so positive through this horrible journey. I wanted to cry, but I couldn't. How could I when I was surrounded by so many positive people? I had a friend taking time out of his day to tell me a joke to make me laugh; I had a friends coming in even through their fear of hospitals every day to keep me company. Friends were planning events and trying to raise money for a kick *** wheelchair. My boyfriend was the most inspirational amazing person I could have ever been with. He brushed my teeth, did my physio, fed me, helped me to get to the bathroom & that was when I realized what love was.

Two and a half weeks had passed and I had a very intense doctors but appointment. The doctor told me it wasn't leukodystrophy but that they really could not figure out what was happening and nothing explained all my symptoms. He threw out the idea of conversion disorder and left it at that. He said that within a couple weeks or months I would be walking again and back to normal. I was shocked. In complete utter shock. Had I made this all up in my head? That was what he had led on conversion disorder to be. Because of my 'crazies' of bipolar it was all in my head; well that was how I interpreted it. So I had faced my death only to be told that everything that I was going through would be all back to normal within a couple of weeks. You would figure that after being told I was going to die at age thirty to being told I was going to be back to normal that I would be crying tears of joy after such great news. But I almost felt worse. I had accepted what was going to happen & that I got a slap in the face with 'it is all in your head' kind of illness. That may sound selfish and I would agree but that is the honest truth. I would go home and do the most intense physio and after each appointment conquer another struggle.
First steps :)
Than the stairs :)
Than the bathroom, & lastly the shower. I was slowly gaining my independence back and it felt amazing. I could go back to work and do 'normal' things. It was feeling good but I still felt off. My doctors were telling me that my MRI and EEGs were not normal but not even the top MRI reader could decipher what was my MRI. So they left me hanging. I still have to fight the daily battle of weakness in my legs, memory loss, blurry vision, pins and needles and tingling. People have to repeat what they say to me multiple times and on a daily basis I need help walking up stairs and stepping over things. My body feels weak but my mentality is positive for I know that things could be worse from working in a group home.
In October I was diagnosed with epilepsy in the temporal lobe which would could explain the voice attacks and hallucinations. I was happy that the voices were an actually physical illness and not mental. But still nothing could explain my paralysis and constant day to day struggle with my health. My seizures have gotten worse , maybe I have not found the right medication. All I know is that I feel like I am fighting the unknown.
I still look at like positively for I feel that being negative would only make it worse. The combination of bipolar and the constant pain that shoots through my body makes it hard sometimes. But I have the love and support of my family and friends and boyfriend. I am strong. I may not be physically strong, but mentally I am probably one of the strongest people some of you guys have ever met.
And even though it feels like I am fighting the unknown, at least I am not doing it alone.

" I am bullet proof , nothing to lose ; fire away fire away ; ricochet you take your aim, fire away , fire away; you shoot me down , but I won't fall, I am titanium ; you shoot me down but I wont fall , I am titanium. "
staystrongandbelieve staystrongandbelieve
Dec 2, 2012