Why Did I?

I cannot answer him when he asks me why I did such things. We had been together for about two months when he decided to take a break. I felt betrayed, out of everyone I knew I thought he'd be the one to never hurt me, but here he was temporarily cutting off our relationship. It was reasonable in a way. He was overly stressed and busy and didn't want to feel guilty and more stressed if he couldn't be there for me and make me happy. So we broke up. He said just until things die down. The way I looked at it was that we would be together no matter what- through thick and thin. No matter how big the issue, we would work through it together, but he obviously thought differently. So a couple days after the break I was on my way back home from a tennis game. The bus was barely moving and filled with bored teenagers. We decided to play never have I ever than started a game of truth or dare which turned into just daring one teammate to do something to another. A couple of the guys did the nervous game with me, but I didn't get fazed; I felt numb. I just wanted to feel something. I kissed a couple of them. In a way I thought of it as experience since my 'bf' had done more than me, and I told myself it was okay because we weren't together anyway. Also, I didn't feel a thing for any of them. I told him later when we got back together, at first considering to just keep it hidden and live with the guilt, and I couldn't explain it in a way for him to understand. It was dumb. Plain and simple. Not to mention he has a hard head and thinks anything I explain is just lies and excuses. I understand his hurt, but when he tells me i don't know when I'll ever trust you again, I feel a sharp stab at my heart that throbs and grows more painful every beat. So I told myself to stay loyal and true and never let anything like this happen again, but I've messed up.
Here comes my confession.
I don't count it as my first, but it was right before I saw my bf for spring break. It was with a boy who I thought was my best friend. He often reminded me of my bf. They were both blonde and skinny. Both had a good sense of humor and were people I easily got along well with. I hadnt seen my bf in about seven months. I suppose I just felt lonely. I don't understand why I couldn't have waited a couple more days. I honestly should have never gone to see him before I left and then this would have never happened. I should have stayed away. I mean I was fully aware and a part of the few things that happened in the beggining. I shouldnt have even bothered with him from the get go since he obviously didnt respect the fact I was in a relationship, not to mention he was in one as well, but I guess I dont have room to talk. It had just started with some innocent cuddling if you would accept that term. Cuddling is one of my most favorite things, so I stupidly took him on his offer, not to mention we were watching a scary movie. I guess I did enjoy leading him on and having him drool over me, in some ways I believe I got what I deserved. He kept looking me in the eye, I knew he was itching for a kiss, but I refused. Multiple times. So many times and I never gave him one. Then I don't even quite remember when it happened. That being said it happened so fast. Of what I can piece together from the few bits and pieces; he was sick, I walked to his house when it was raining and thundering, and I was scared and disoriented. Not only from the thunder, but from the situation I now found myself in. When I got there he took me to his room and shut the door because he wanted to lay down since he felt so horrible. He insisted on warming me up in his covers and told me to take off my shirt so he could warm me up better. I took it off robotically. I felt like I wasn't even myself anymore. Than he kept saying take more off and would slip things off of me because I was no longer responding. I felt uncomfortable and nervous, I felt bad he was so sick, so I didn't say anything. The next thing I knew we were having sex, he could barely keep himself up, it wasn't enjoyable, but that shouldn't have to be mentioned. Thankfully I didnt feel as much as I could possibly have, but it was enough to feel disgusted from head to toe. With myself and my stupidity. For not speaking up and feeling pity for him when he was apparently feeling well enough to take advantage of me and do what he did. I remember feeling numb. I was barely aware of anything I was in so much shock. I remember the ripped opened condom packets littering the side of his bed against the wall and I cried internally knowing I was just another piece of trash. As soon as we started I regretted it, no way before and wanted to stop right away, but I didn't have it in me to tell him. After about five minutes I slipped away and started trying to find my clothes. He apologized and I lied saying it was fine. My skin crawled and I wanted to rip it off. I don't deserve my boyfriend. I'm selfish and a liar and have become everything I said I wouldn't. I decided not to tell him this. This is the thing I'll keep to myself forever. I haven't told anyone. Not my sister who is my best friend or even my best friends. I will forever live with this regret and let it eat me away inside. It's what I truly deserve.
honeybun794 honeybun794
18-21, F
May 5, 2012