Royally Effed Up

I moved in with Derek to escape my life of homelessness and prostitution. I cared about him, of course, and liked him. I became very fond of him during our time together. But I never really loved him. I think he probably knew that. It wasn't the best relationship. He picked me up because he liked my look, and very quickly asked me to move in with him in his apartment that he and a bunch of people turned into a commune. He didn't open up and tell me many personal things about him. To this day I don't know if he has any parents or what relationship he might have with them. And he didn't ask much about my own life. He was unreliable and often blew me off to hang out with his friends. He preferred **** to me. Our relationship was fairly empty, and we mostly bonded over him practicing his art as a tattoo apprentice on me and my best friend. We were, however, committed, which kept us going for about 2 years.

I was devastated after my best friend moved away, and pretty pissed when Fabien, a hippie with dreadlocks and a huge bong collection, moved from the couch into her bed. Not because he was a hippie, I love hippies. I was angry that my best friend was gone and missed her and I redirected that onto him. So he thought I hated him for no reason, and I did, but he made it his life's mission to get me to like him. He was so nice to me and said such nice things that Derek never said. He was just so damn sweet, so unlike Derek at all. One day when I was getting over a terrible case of the flu, Derek was out partying with the rest of the roommates, and Fabien smoked me out to make me feel better. Well, I did feel better... and I also slept with Fabien. It was so intimate and he kept telling me I was beautiful. Sex with Derek wasn't like that. I had never had sex like that since my first boyfriend. I had some feelings for Fabien, certainly stronger than my feelings for Derek. I had sex with Fabien several more times. When Derek figured out what was going on he confronted us, and he kicked us both out of the commune, with several of the other roommates supporting him. And I don't blame him, I brought it on myself.

I realize that if I had just ended the relationship I may have been able to still live there. But all the logic in the world can't completely overcome that animalistic defense of one's territory- or in this case th sheer terror of the possibility of being on the streets again. Well, ironically, that led to me being on the street again. I stayed with Fabien in his van for a while, but I felt so awful over what happened, I couldn't do the same thing to Fabien I did to Derek. My life took a big downturn there, but long story short things seem to be getting better, but I will never forget that huge mistake.
cephaloscotti cephaloscotti
26-30, F
1 Response May 8, 2012

this is so true