No Matters If She Loves Me Or Not, I Love Her And Will Love To My Last Breath

That time I'm in my 10Th standard, 18 years ago, one day sitting with my friends when I first saw her and ohhhh man... I am gone. I still remember she was just walking in the park with her baby sisters when for no reason she looks behind and our eyes meet and Butterfly running through my soul and from that day itself I love her.
Now the problem was may be i'm so stupid or may be my life or god played with me, that the girl was in the 5 Th standard and her age I thought that time 10.5 years only and I fall in love with a girl who don't know what love is as she was too young at that time. I believe that its not my fault that I started to love her in her 5Th standard as you know falling love is beyond your control, that time I just saw her eyes and then I love her, its truly beyond my control.
Anyway I found she comes new to our town and what a coincidence, I found they come to the apartment next to ours, our apartment windows also face to face. I thought wow... god gives me this gift, she is mine.....
From the next day I waiting in the window for hours to see the glimpse of her... I stay roadside whenever she goes school and returning from school, of-course bunking my own school. I tried hard to get her all possible attention for 6 months and then with my best friend's advice I went to propose her. I know it sounds weird that a 15 year old boy proposing love to a 11 year girl, but i thought i'm too innocent at that period and believe me there was no sexual thought related to my love with that girl. the conversation is very short and simple....I still remember every word...
I say her 'can you please give some time, I have to tell you something'
She answered 'yes, go ahead'
me ' I love you'
She 'why?'
me (speechless for moments, as didn't find a suitable answer and then ) 'I like you so much.'
She ' but I don't like you'
and then we walk alongwith for 2min speechless, then she told me 'time to go'

that was a real heartbreak for me but the story don't end here also.....

OK lets continue...

I got heartbreak, morely I got fever not only from heartbreak, for fear also... to the thought if she told that story to her mom and her mom complains that to my parents then my father surely not happy with me. Anyway to my utterly surprise nothing happens. and also I found that her approach towards me changes. she was started to coming to the window very often, she is coming to park with her sisters where I play. she laughs loudly, wiggles with her friends, showing style from the window... my goodness that is the fairy tale time of my life. And again after 8 month I overcome fear and trying to talk to her. I remember everyday I take oath that 'today I'll go to her and propose her again' but just cannot. Whenever she passes nearby me I lost everything my words my minds everything. Also I fear to loose her completely 'if she reject me again'.

And that time her mother also suspecting me as her mother found both of us in our respective windows more often. She started to follows her.

Then in a evening when she was going to her drawing class, I found her mother wasn’t with her and I decided to approach her again

Me ‘hi.. I have to tell you something’
She ‘Not now.. Later’
Me ‘OK’
There were no more words exchanged after. I returned back… she walks away…

And that 'LATER' never comes again in this 18 years….

As after that day my mind changes.... I was struggling heavily with my emotion... I'm in my teenage... and I thought she is so adamant that she don't want to talk to me...
Now I feel may be I was totally wrong... may be she was afraid to getting me caught to her mother. Anyway I Start to neglect her. I avoid that widow where I stand hour after hour. I again concentrated hard to my study.... get entrance to engineering college and also from teenager I going to enter my youth... I got a new girlfriend... and I tried to forget my first love.

She also entered to her teenage... till that time she paid me her attention but as because of my idealistic thought towards my firstlove I thought 'it is now her duty to call me as she told "later".

But she never came either I went to her.

Life goes on, I was in college, and with my college girlfriend I experience the sexual thing first time. I start to neglect my first love more.

After college my college girlfriend dump me.... its painful as it hurts your ego. but I move on as I got a new girlfriend and a job that time. I became so busy. but the problem was i never stop thinking about my first love, i tried but I failed, I told my self time is the best healer. Also I found my new girlfriend loves me madly, and I decided this time I'll carry with her as proverb said ' to get a happy marriage, marry somebody to whom who loves you not necessary if you love her or not'.

and with this girlfriend my relation continues and now we are married for 4 years and our total relationship is now 12 years. we have a baby boy.

back to the memory again....

In 2004 when I got realize that I never get over to my first love as I never stop to dreaming her for any single day, in busy schedule also. So i gave up the thought and realize I have to carry this pain throughout my whole life without disclose this to anybody as it can mess my relation with wife.

She my firstlove also got into a affair relationship and now married and she also having kids.

But the real problem appears now ; after 18 year of my first meeting with my first love....

I found I care and I love my wife and I never want to let her go but I also love my first love.
I don't want to ruin her married life also but I love her.

I found I failed to told my first love how much I love her, its immaterial if she loves me or not, Now I don't want any answer whether she loves or not , There is nothing I want from her, but if I unable to confess her how much I love her before I die, my soul never get rested..... I just want to tell her once that I love her, and I'll love her to my last breath.
biplab2008 biplab2008
1 Response Nov 2, 2012

Its true............that is the greatest pain as I love my Jolly.............................

god bless