Written on November 9th, 2010
I was molested and raped by my step father and his father.How long this went on im really not sure, i have repressed and tried so hard to forget. i do know it was very young somewhere btw 4-7 when it started and my step father didnt stop til i was 16. i stoped going over TO his parents house around 13 so thats when he stopped. it was brutal, discusting, demeaning and most of all they took a part of my soul. and to this day no on in my family knows and i really plan on keeping that way. i wanted to discuse in hopes of helping myself and others who may read this. these monsters prayed on me used my weaknesses to feed there perverted games. i was groomed in to thinkin that it was all my fault and really a part of me still believes it. these experinces sculpt me into a self hating, insecure, untrusting, angry person for the most part. i could go on and go into detail about my experince but that wont help or any of you reading this. How i mad it thru those years is beyond me.i remember at night praying not to wake up to see the next day. i remember screaming at my step dad and his dad just to kill me when they would be really brutal. when i was 14 i took ever pill in the house hoping to kill myself i was ill for 6 days but i didnt die (obviously). i thought about sucide everyday after that.i was misserable and made everyone around me miserable on purpose. what they did to me killed who i was and could have been. and im sure other ppl reading this could relate to all of these things. i will never know who i could have been, the pentual i had was gone. i know my life could have been completly differnet. i would have graduated high school and went to college, i wouldnt be scared of everything.Life today is hard, im still angry, im still insecure and scared of everything. the diference between then and now is that im aware. im aware of how these things have affected me, im aware that this impacted everything in my life. a long tim ago i realized this , and today i can say that i have let go of my past, hold on to my strenghth i have developed due to my past. i think just being aware of how all this affects me allows me to manage the affects. For those of you reading this may not have develope that awareness within you. be aware that this has damage your soul, effected your life. i truely believe that that is what has allowed me to survive. When i dont trust my finacee who is my hero and savior, who i know with out a doubt would never hurt me intiually i step back and ask why is this hard for me? its full circle its because when i was raped and molested they would groom me into trusting them and believing it would never happen again and when i did trust them , the raped me and molested me with more violence. these people are preditors, this is what they do. when i think im the ugliest person in the world i try to remember thats what they wanted me to believe. i still strugle to this day mostly with the relationships in my life but everyday im more aware and i really find strength in that. we cant go back and change the things that happened . that was the hardest part for me to understand. i cant control what happened then but i can control now and im so happy about that. i hope that you reading this who suffer as i do or are suffering now you can hate your past and be angry and resentful or you can live for today. learn from the past and most of all forgive. when i say forgive i dont mean what what they did to us. but forgive the past, forgive the hate, forgive what was lost, forgive them , and get the control back. dont let what they did CONTROL YOU!!! FORGIVENESS IS LETTING GO OF THE HOPE THAT THE PAST CAN BE CHANGED. BE STRONG IT GETS BETTER!!!