How Can I Lighten The Load!I had a pretty rubbish start growing up which sadly went onto dictate the rest of my life; choices, decisions, actions, moods, patterns - I think the worse part of it is breaking the pattern! I won't go into detail - its far too complicated and long. The issue is; the strength it takes to carry the load and those who hitch a ride making it even heavier that is unbearable.
At times, I am funny, smart and get on with life but then there is always the dread of what is around the corner. For the most part, I am caring, considerate and kind, which inevitably attracts the wrong people. Fear kicks in and leads to anger and frustration, yet again I have let the wrong person/people in. Because I am dealing with my past and trying to change my path, awful people are still trying to cling on. If I manage to keep them at bay, a whole more appear to suck what little energy I have and I'm left drained and confused. Sometimes I wonder where the good ones are and whether I will finally be at peace or will I have to fight them off for the rest of my life!
Thankfully, I am seeing a rather lovely therapist and have been for 6 months, however it is the most difficult task I have ever encountered and possibly ever will. It is interesting to actually see the problems I am experiencing while going through this process. Yes, I am stronger and able to cope with situations much better but, at times I feel so lost and alone. It is difficult to judge, I mean to judge the actions of other and/or agenda's. As a consequence, I find myself at logger-heads with those I cannot quite trust or have a bad feeling about. This is a problem because I need to learn how to change my patterns, therefore eliminate the agenda drones before they enter my space.
I understand that I will be vulnerable and emotionally detached while I am working on myself but the endless battles with the agenda drones is really taking it out of me. I only ask for peace while I am finding myself and dare I say it, like myself. I am fed-up with being nice - I can almost see them licking their lips as they sink their teeth in. I, with all my pain and baggage still give advice, still try to help, still care and that's where I'm going wrong, that is my conclusion. How can I continue to be nice, caring etc to those who are damaged without them strangling me? I see people who are burnt by life and I try to help, yet always to my detriment. They wish to harm me and to bring me down but I still want them to be free and happy. I have to say, since the therapy, it is getting better and I'm recognising the signs more frequently (thank heavens), its just the transition. I am still finding a lot of undesirables and/or starting to see their traits coming out even people I have known for a while. I do not know how to connect with them anymore and they annoy me - I don't even want them around me or to speak to them. They upset me, push me, anger me, for I see how pathetic they really are, whereas I cared before. However, I am impatient, and would very much like some advice on how I can possibly speed up the process.
On a lighter note; I have always had a handful of really good people around me and continue to attract good people, luckily, I just want to get rid of the other ones, completely. I know therapy is not a quick fix and I never expected it to be and it is working (yeah), I just want to know other peoples views/opinions on this odd subject.
Chi25 36-40, F 0 Dec 26, 2011