Doubt I Ever Will..

Im Julian and I'm 15 years old. I hate talking about my past, its too painful, so I evade even thinking about it most times. But when times like this arise, moments where I need to get it out, I tell everything! I feel like EP is the only place I can do this. I never really had a nice childhood. When my mother married my stepfather all went south from there. Angelo began to rape me from the age of 6, to just a couple months ago. I felt disgusting. I was so confused and hurt, because I really looked up to him after my biological dad threw my mom, my little sister, and me away. I really loved him. After what happened..I didnt know how to feel. Something told me that I needed to tell my mom. But there was too much shame, and I guess a lot of guilt. I would look at him and my mom and my little sister, and see how happy they were. That would always stop me. I would pretend as if it wasnt happening, and the next morning at breakfast, I would fight against my tears and would sit right next to Angelo. He would tell me never to cry. He would hit me and say "you better quit crying or I'll go deeper!" I hated crying in front of him, which is why Id promised myself never to cry again. God says everything is layed out with a plan and reasoning, but the aching pain of a fully developed grown man's penis forced inside of your anal passage at 6 years old, is something that I could've definitely lived without. I blame myself so much because I put so much pride in him..aswell as so much boasting about him. He was a fireman, so I would brag about that to the other boys in my school and they began to like me a whole lot more. I liked that they thought Angelo was cool, because I was seen as a pretty boy and weakling beforehand because I had long hair ,and I looked like my mom had just given me all of her qualities, and the girls liked hanging around me. It was a nice change, to get along better with the other boys for once. Angelo would tell me that I was going to break up the family if I ever told. Sometimes I would threaten to do so if he made me do anything with him, but he knew it was a lie-because I honestly didnt want anybody to know anymore than he did. I wanted to be a strong kid, I got a haircut and everything so I could put off the persona that no one could mess with me. I had so much built up anger that I often would just start fights at school.I would try to fight him off sometimes but, he would just choke me or punch me until I either complied or until I would pass out and subsequently I would wake up with my pants undone or off. He would literally make me tell him things like "I love you", or "I want to do this", and when I wouldnt I'd get punched or slapped. The acts he would perform or would make me perform were so...disgusting! The time when I most felt ashamed of myself was when I was around 10. He was doing something to me, and I got hard. He saw this and said "Ha! I knew you liked it, feels good doesnt it?" Thats when I really started hating myself, because my heart wanted to die and my body was giving him the motivation to continue. I started crying balistically! He started yelling at me to stop but I felt so low down and dirty, that I couldnt. I remember my first kiss with a girl at age 8, he saw it and grabbed me up and told me not to focus my time around girls. I remember thinking to myself "Yeah okay Angelo. I'll just focus my time around you instead. Fuc king fa ggot hypocrite!" I remember hating gay people for the longest because of him. I felt like they were all child abusing disgusting men. I didnt realize until I was around 12, that those feelings were just hatred towards him.Recently,last week to be specific, I came the closest to crying in class about my ordeals since I was in the 6th grade and I had to take a shower in front of all the guys at camp. I was in health class, and we were learing about STDs. I was sitting next to my girlfriend we were holding hands and stuff, and I was sitting next to a couple of my basketball homies and cheerleader friends and just chilling, and talking about the upcoming game. It was just a normal day. Then my teacher switched it up and started talking about rape statistics among young men and women. My childdish *** friend Evan got up and started counting how many of us there was at our table, and said "uh-oh, looks like two of us is gonna be raped before the age of 18!" The whole class was cracking up,even my teacher chuckled a little bit.Then one of the cheerleaders was like "oh shuttup who would wanna rape you, seriously?" Then another stupid jock said "I would" and then my own girlfriend joined in! I knew it was all childsplay deep down, I knew I would've been laughing too if I was normal, but I felt like they were all laughing at me oddly. I felt like they were criticizing me and judging me. I felt my face get hot and red. Tears were swelling up and I let go of my girlfriends hand. She saw my face and asked if I was okay, I lied and said I felt sick. The rest of the day was downhill. I thought about what my friends would think about me, or say about me if they knew the truth.I didnt talk to my loud mouthed jock friends for the rest of that day. I also ignored texts and calls I got from my girlfriend, I wasnt mad I just didnt feel like being happy. I know Im a jock too, but Im definitely not a stereotype jock like most of my homies. I only joined sports and stuff so I could get out of the house more.I went into one of my classes and my friends were just full of school spirit and were in total party mode! They were pumped up about the game and all, and they were just being crazy silly teens (in the adult eye) I guess. But I wasnt feeling the vibe, I felt like the kids with the gothic makeup and huge gages in their ears understood me, and I hant even spoken a word to them. Never judge a book by its cover people..these kids were actually pretty nice to talk too, they werent freaks, and I actually started hanging with a few that week. Anyways, moments like those, in health class, make me realize just how messed up I am inside!I thank whoever it is who didnt let me kill myself when I was 9 years old, because I sure was going too. Im also grateful to be able to sleep without worry mom divorced Angelo when she found out he was having an affair with some coworker at the fire station, like just 6 or so months ago! I dont know if I can tell my mom or sister about it. It would kill my mom to know how long its been going on. I still feel disgusting. Im just so glad he's gone though, I feel bad for my sister though..she's always talking about "how she misses dad" and stuff. He's in every single relationship I have, I hate getting to touchy with girls, I always think about him.I think Im going to take this to my grave. All I want to do is forget..Im never gonna get over this though.
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2 Responses Mar 4, 2012

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, children should never have to go through events like these. I really hope you tell your mother, as a mom myself it would kill me to hear something like this from my son, but I know that I would also appreciate him telling me this. I would seek help, go to therapy, maybe talk to your counselor at school first if you don't feel confident speaking to your mother yet. i really hope you find relief in your self and in your life, I wish you the best of luck.<br />
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Just so you know, as a mom, I'd find him and skin him alive.

Please tell your Mother. It is the secret that torments you. I was also abused in the same way . I know I was in therapy for a year before I asked if the reason I broke off with every boy was because of what happened in my home. I was that ashamed . Yes, they want the victim to enjoy it because it makes it less horrible for them because they know what they are doing is heinous. Your ex step dad should be prosecuted for what he did. Get an examination from a doctor because you were too young to go through what you did. You can heal and get better. It helps to talk to someone about it.