Just Need to Get This Out

I absolutely hate talking about my past. There are few, if any, who know much. It's not that I'm ashamed, it's just that I don't like to feel like I'm out looking for sympathy or special treatment. I think it looks weak when people go around whining about how abused they were. However, I wrote a few things down in another post, and it was very relieving for me, so I just got some strange urge to say everything... maybe no one will ever read this, but I just feel like getting it out in the open for once, and hopefully taking a baby step towards getting over my past.

My dad:

My dad started out trying to get rid of me before I was even born... my mom had to give labor on her side because she was bruised too badly to spread her legs on her back.... He didn't physically hurt me again until I moved in with him in my teen years. Although I did witness him holding my older sister by the neck against a wall and beating her when she was 15 and I was 10. He told me afterwards that he would never do that to me because I was a good girl and I always do what he tells me to do. My dad was always good for brainwashing... Anyway, I moved in with him in the middle of 8th grade and bit by bit he became more controlling and more hurtful to me. It got to the point that I would be grounded if I left the garage door open by accident or if my bathroom towel was left on the floor. I wasn't allowed to put gas in my own car, I would have to have him fill it up for me. But I had to give him at least 2 or 3 days' notice that I would be needing gas soon, because he didn't want me to have to tell him to go get me gas. He thought that would mean I have control over him. The dishwasher could not be run while he was awake, and we weren't allowed to use the ice machine because he didn't like the sound of it. If I had laundry going and he needed to use it, I'd be punished because I should have known he would need to wash clothes that day. And I could go on and on.... Living with my dad was like a prison. He's married too, but she's as weird as he is, and obeys his every order. Other than being weird, he was constantly insulting me. I would be in tears from the things he'd say, and he would just keep right on going. The summer before my junior year of high school, I finally was going to move back in with my mom, but he told me I wasn't allowed to. I called a random lawyer from the yellow pages while he was at work, and found out that the choice was mine since I was 16, and when he got home for his lunch break, I told him this as gently as possible... he went crazy. He got a crazy look in his eye and started coming after me, and I knew that he was going to hurt me. I ran outside because I figured that was out in the open and he wouldn't dare do anything, but he followed me out. Afterwards, he had to take me to a clinic and he started crying. I felt bad and told the receptionist that I fell. I ended up having to get stitches, crutches, and x rays, but my ribs were so bruised that I couldn't actually use my crutches and spent the next week crawling around my house. I told my mom what happened and she called this thing called Safe Place and had some lady pick me up. I told her what happened and she had my dad come in and talk to her as well. He lied to her. He told her that I tripped and it was all a misunderstanding... and she let me go. I wanted to move in with my mom more than ever now, but my dad sat down and told me that if I stayed, he would pay my way through college. So I stayed through two more years of hell, only to have him actually only pay for a third of college.... And then this fall when he told me that I couldn't have a relationship with my sister anymore if I wanted him to keep paying, I stopped getting that money as well. Since then, I've gotten a few emails from him, mostly about how immature and ungrateful I am, and one telling me that I was wrong for not sending him a card on Father's Day.... after he didn't even bother to call me on my birthday OR on Christmas, and forced me to choose between my sister and money; all in the same 6 months. I can't understand that man, really I can't. He has decided no one in his family is good enough for him, and he is left now with only his wife and dog. No other relatives... just them. I feel terrible thinking of their Christmas mornings, but then again, he brought it on himself didn't he?

My mom:

My mom is a very giving, very loving mother. She loves with her whole heart, time and time again, only to be betrayed in the end. She is needy and dependent on men. She always has been. But she still stays optimistic throughout. We were best friends when I was younger... she was my only friend when we moved to Florida. We'd even share a bed. I was the baby, that's for sure. She remarried when I was 8 to an alcoholic. She did not know this, and he had already been diagnosed with liver cancer when they were married. He didn't like me from the start, and I admit I was a brat about him coming in and disrupting my life with my mom and then bringing a new baby into the family as well, but isn't that to be expected from an 8 year old? Anyway, his alocholism didn't really get bad until I was about 12 or 13. Around this time, often my mom would wake me up in the middle of the night and tell me that we were leaving him, and we'd pack some bags and go. I'd miss school and it was really pretty exciting. But she'd always come back home to him. Also this is about when she became an alcoholic as well. The responsibility of my little brother fell on my hands quite a bit... I loved that boy like he was my own son. My step dad's cancer was progressing and he was sick... physically and mentally. He saw me as the root to every problem. He didn't want any of his money going towards me. He didn't want to see me, talk to me, hear me. I was unwelcome and uncomfortable in my own home, so I spent a lot of time at my best friend Andrea's house. He only put his hands on me once, but the emotional abuse was very very hard for a 13-14 year old girl to handle. Those were some of the hardest times of my life. The day I finally had to move out was when I came home from my Christmas vacation at my dad's, and was opening my presents from my mom (the best part about having divorced parents!). They were all free gifts you get from doctors' and dentists' offices. It was clear that my mom wasn't allowed to spend money on me that year. I had a few random trinkets that maybe she already had, or that came free when you bought a $54 dollar perfume set. I'll mention now that my step father was wealthy. My poor mom sat there eager to see if I liked anything, and I was fighting back tears trying to put on a happy face for her. Daniel came out then telling me that I didn't deserve presents this year and that I should go back to Indiana. I ran up to my room and starting crying uncontrollably, and my mom didn't even come up to comfort me. I felt completely alone. I called my dad and told him I wanted to move in with him, and 5 days later I was on a plane. I figured the visitation arrangements would just be reversed, that I would see my mom all summer, during christmas break, and spring break. However, my dad decided I shouldn't visit her for the next 2 1/2 years... when my mom won a lawsuit to be able to see me. Meanwhile my mom went to rehab, my stepdad died of alcoholism, and my mom and little brother moved to South Carolina to be with her family.

Relationships:

I was raped when I was 15 by a guy 4 years older than me that I really liked... Then for the next 3 years in school there was a rumor that he gave me an STD (not true, but how do you prove something like that wrong) and no guy was really that interested in me after that. I had a few boyfriends but nothing too serious. I didn't have sex again until my freshman year of college, and 3 days later, he told me that he wanted to date someone else. Then came my first real love, Ike. We were together for awhile, but I broke up with him because I had somehow fallen head over heels for a friend of my sister's, James. James was everything I had ever wanted, and we just clicked from the start. I decided to move into my sister's house so that I'd be closer to James and save money, and everything was perfect. Only to find out that he had had two girlfriends the entire time. Then he wouldn't even talk to me after I found out. He left me heart broken and alone, and my sister told me I was stupid for being hurt, and when I didn't magically get cured of my heartbreak when she said that, she cut me off, and said I was causing chaos and drama, and threw all my belonging outside. All I did was cry in front of her. Sure I said some mean things to James, but that didn't involve her. My sister takes after my dad in a lot of ways.

 

Ok I'm just gonna post this now, writing this is draining

ashann ashann
22-25, F
2 Responses Jul 29, 2007

I think your father might be bipolar. Thanks for sharing your story.

I don't quite know the right things to say, but I just wanted you to know that your story made me appreciate my own situation more. You're very brave for posting this, and I hope someday you'll be fully recovered from your past, and led a happy life full of love. It's the least that life could give you, considering everything you've been through. If that sounds like I'm giving you sympathy or the "special treatment" then it's not - at least not in the way you might think. I really do mean it. I hope that by posting your story you've unburdened a little of the weight you had heaped on you. Thank you for sharing your story.