Mental Breakdown Venting.......

 You seem to find yourself surrounded by people who never truly seem to care or even notice when something is wrong, that the flashbacks are slamming through your mind over and over. and that your heart is hurting so much that it makes you endlessly feel like your stuck inbetween dying and loving at once. You walk in sunlight, yet see nothing but darkness with hints of bright beauty of the world. Is this all we are meant to know? Small idea's of what could be if only we were all to succeed and be all that we could have been?

I find myself walking through the years, through my past, because i KNOW that i need to face it, so forgive myself and everyone else before I can ever become a TRUE human being, before i can ever TRULY love or give my heart up to someone. I think in order to find me, I need to overcome my past. The journey has been slow and painful, and I have failed, yet succeeded at the same moment in time. What we never stop to ponder is that you can win and lose at once, but your winnings will not be a happy tale to tell. A past is a past, and i know its hard to believe thats all it is when it haunts your every waking moment. When it's all you can ever truly see. Its hard to believe when people are always reminding you of the past wrongs you have committed. But now, you have to rear back up, show you realize you ****** up and walk away. Because it is not worth your breath to argue with those who already have damned you to hell in their minds. You could speak until your blue in the face and falling down on your knees, but they would never truly believe you were sorry or anything. I know people like that....My father, My big sister, My mother sometimes,....seems the only ones who truly loved me or still love me are not truly related to me. Am i really that big of a disgrace? Do i walk in the darkness too much? Does my poems really not make sense? Am i really that weird? WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I TRY TO MAKE EVERYTHING PLAIN AS DAY!?!?!

I never know anything really. I have my observations and personal experiences, but everything i try....never seems to be good enough. I always feel like a failure or just so d@mn frustrated. because no one tends to wanna f#cking listen to a teenager who KNOWS WHAT SHE REALLY NEEDS more than ANYONE else could!  dont sit here and tell me i am a crybaby, or i dont know what a hard life is, or that i need to face reality, because i have lived through hell and been back to reality and back to hell and f%cking rolled in it and lost my mind in it. and i find myself having a freaking mental breakdown...keep fighting it daily lately....i need arms around me i need someone telling me everything is okay....I DONT EVEN CARE IF THEY LIE TO ME....i JUST want to hear that EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OKAY! I hate feeling so down, so empty yet on fire with hate, can feel it coursing thru my veins, and its all because of back to back really bad panic attacks, anxiety, freakouts in car, asinine father who is so f%cking simple its unreal, so f%cking immature and unresponsible that he hasnt even bought me a f^cking deodarant since i have been here since feb 2009 and its JUNE! i wanna wrap my hands around his neck and just f^cking choke and choke and choke him UNTIL HE CAN SEE HOW MUCH I RESENT HIM! i hate him i hate him i hate him I HATE HIM! HE MAKES ME HATE MEN! makes me wanna die, makes me wanna hide, makes me wanna run, makes me wanna quit, makes me wanna cry, makes me wanna throw bottles of liquor at walls so i can kill something he loves more than he will ever love me or the rest of his kids. I tend to wanna scream at him if i am NOT high or drunk when i hang out with him. his mind frame is so simple and conivving and SO MANY MIND GAMES he plays! makes me wanna freaking slap him! nothign never right nothint never perfect, i am not perfect, then he says no one or anything can be perfect THEN demands PERFECTION FROM ME! never enough cleaning, never enough talking or socializing, too silent, not skinny enough, dont have a job yet, i dont have friends, i dont do enough stuff,,,,,,on and on goes the list,,,,,,on and on.....and THEN i just have to STOP MYSELF from saying "wellllll...your on house arrest and ur breaking it ALL the time, drinking and lying to probation officer going out when ur not supposed to and you OBVIOUSLY dont care about me if i have lived here since feb and i still dont have medicaid or medicare or w/e it is, NEVER had free school lunch so i DIDNT get to EAT or DRINK anythign ALL DAY LONG for almost 4 months everyday, your always drinking EVEN when we are SUPPOSIDLY BROKE and about to be evicted. buying name brand **** for yourself and i get NOTHING (deoderant, razors, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste) 

THIS IS NOT A GODD@MN HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A GODD@MN STOP IN THE ROAD! A F^CKING POTHOLE B!TCH!

I HATE YOU! I RESENT YOU! I AM SO DISSAPOINTED IN YOU! I CANT STAND YOU! CANT STAND YOUR VOICE! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am sorry i am not perfect but i am better than you can EVER think or wonder about being! and about not looking clean and dressed up and acting right in public? I have no one to impress! i dont care what people think! and i am not your girl so why the f^ck should u care if i am skinny or not? i dont need f^cking weightloss idea's from a fata$$ alcoholic! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TO ME?

A ******* JOKE!

**LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE**

you were not meant to be a father, should have f ucking walked away to begin with. u drink and drink...makes me wanna cry....makes me feel like your killing someone, killing urself, ******* someone in front of me or something....so disrespectful

i cant take you!

i hate you! and i hate my sister for never understand always alienating me, ******* talking so much sh!t thats NOT true on World of Warcraft (yes i am a geek lol) and being so mean so so so so so so sos os sosoooo MEAN! SO CRUEL! and I NEVER F^CKING UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!!! I mean..WHAT THE HE11 DID I DO? 

with her i feel like i p!ss her off by being alive, by beig here in this world, by walking with my head held high even when i am nothing but dirt under your feet, by contining to face the world and my past OUR past even though it hurts so bad, by tellin the world what i think when i think it, by telling our world what the f^ck i think is up, by telling everyone who i am, my faults, laying them out for ALL to d@mn, laying them out so they can either choose to take me as i am or leave me the he11 alone. I think i p!ss her off by NOT faking a smile or faking that everything is okay. I think i p!ss her off because i am taller than her, prettier, got more guys looking at me than her, that even her bf's look at me, that i am still in school, that i wonder and dream, that I AM STILL TRYING TO SUCCEED! she hates me because i am everything she is afraid to be or never will truly be...THAT IS WHY I THINK SHE HATES ME! 

Now,.....i have this love right now....so raw so pure....and its in my hands and i am holding it and its so bright such a light in a cruel world. and i dont wanna fail, i dont wanna hurt, i dont wanna lie, i wanna be in his arms, i wanna dance with him in the moonlight, i wanna run and jump streaking down a street with him, i wana make him smile and trace it with my fingers and my tongue, i wanna make his heart soar and his mind open into a new way of thinking and beliefs, i wanna show him the world isnt so cruel that there IS bright times IF you LOOK for them! i wanna hear his story i wanna hear him i wanna hold him and tell him everything is okay in his life when he tells me why he thinks he is so ugly ( when he isnt believe me :D) or so evil inside.  i jump with joy at the sound of your voice, thoughts of you keep me from jumping off the cliff of my mind into insanity, your my anchor, why i dont know, why  i love you so much, i dont know, why i feel these feelings , i dont know, why i cant breathe or focus without you, i dont know. i crash and burn without you thats all i know,,,,cant imagine life without you by my side, get so scared and sad when i JUST try to imagine it! i need you. i want your kids, i wanna be with you 40,50,60 years from now old as f^ck in rocking chairs looking across feilds in the middle of nowhere, i wanna cook all day for you i wanna make you laugh i wanna make you proud of me, i wanna continue to live just so i can hear your voice again, i wanna succeed just so i can hear you say " you did a great job baby"  he makes me wanna do ANYTHING for him, whether is be to jump off a cliff to find a pebble at the bottom or run in the middle of a busy road to save a dog or something. i would do it. i would jump 40ft off a bridge free falling to hear him tell me how crazy, how wacky he thought i was. he makes me wanna do the impossible, so try just so i can see if i can do it and if i cant then say atleast i tried. he widens my horizons, makes me think FOR ONCE i truly will succeed because, because,,,,,,I LOVE HIM! and he drives me insane and i dont have anyone to talk about him with because i am so scared that my family will talk down on him since they are all so mean so cruel with their words and i wanna protect him from them as long as possible because i will NEVER let him go thru what i went thru with my family.......and i went off the f^cking wall talking so weird and insane.....BUT i am happy i let SOME of what has been bothering me out!!! so f^ck anyone who says anything mean! me writing this helped me not cut ro get depressed or angry!!!! lmao........nite ya'll

-Mindy