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Mental Breakdown Venting.......

 You seem to find yourself surrounded by people who never truly seem to care or even notice when something is wrong, that the flashbacks are slamming through your mind over and over. and that your heart is hurting so much that it makes you endlessly feel like your stuck inbetween dying and loving at once. You walk in sunlight, yet see nothing but darkness with hints of bright beauty of the world. Is this all we are meant to know? Small idea's of what could be if only we were all to succeed and be all that we could have been?

I find myself walking through the years, through my past, because i KNOW that i need to face it, so forgive myself and everyone else before I can ever become a TRUE human being, before i can ever TRULY love or give my heart up to someone. I think in order to find me, I need to overcome my past. The journey has been slow and painful, and I have failed, yet succeeded at the same moment in time. What we never stop to ponder is that you can win and lose at once, but your winnings will not be a happy tale to tell. A past is a past, and i know its hard to believe thats all it is when it haunts your every waking moment. When it's all you can ever truly see. Its hard to believe when people are always reminding you of the past wrongs you have committed. But now, you have to rear back up, show you realize you ****** up and walk away. Because it is not worth your breath to argue with those who already have damned you to hell in their minds. You could speak until your blue in the face and falling down on your knees, but they would never truly believe you were sorry or anything. I know people like that....My father, My big sister, My mother sometimes,....seems the only ones who truly loved me or still love me are not truly related to me. Am i really that big of a disgrace? Do i walk in the darkness too much? Does my poems really not make sense? Am i really that weird? WHY DON'T THEY UNDERSTAND ME WHEN I TRY TO MAKE EVERYTHING PLAIN AS DAY!?!?!

I never know anything really. I have my observations and personal experiences, but everything i try....never seems to be good enough. I always feel like a failure or just so d@mn frustrated. because no one tends to wanna f#cking listen to a teenager who KNOWS WHAT SHE REALLY NEEDS more than ANYONE else could!  dont sit here and tell me i am a crybaby, or i dont know what a hard life is, or that i need to face reality, because i have lived through hell and been back to reality and back to hell and f%cking rolled in it and lost my mind in it. and i find myself having a freaking mental breakdown...keep fighting it daily lately....i need arms around me i need someone telling me everything is okay....I DONT EVEN CARE IF THEY LIE TO ME....i JUST want to hear that EVERYTHING IS GONNA BE OKAY! I hate feeling so down, so empty yet on fire with hate, can feel it coursing thru my veins, and its all because of back to back really bad panic attacks, anxiety, freakouts in car, asinine father who is so f%cking simple its unreal, so f%cking immature and unresponsible that he hasnt even bought me a f^cking deodarant since i have been here since feb 2009 and its JUNE! i wanna wrap my hands around his neck and just f^cking choke and choke and choke him UNTIL HE CAN SEE HOW MUCH I RESENT HIM! i hate him i hate him i hate him I HATE HIM! HE MAKES ME HATE MEN! makes me wanna die, makes me wanna hide, makes me wanna run, makes me wanna quit, makes me wanna cry, makes me wanna throw bottles of liquor at walls so i can kill something he loves more than he will ever love me or the rest of his kids. I tend to wanna scream at him if i am NOT high or drunk when i hang out with him. his mind frame is so simple and conivving and SO MANY MIND GAMES he plays! makes me wanna freaking slap him! nothign never right nothint never perfect, i am not perfect, then he says no one or anything can be perfect THEN demands PERFECTION FROM ME! never enough cleaning, never enough talking or socializing, too silent, not skinny enough, dont have a job yet, i dont have friends, i dont do enough stuff,,,,,,on and on goes the list,,,,,,on and on.....and THEN i just have to STOP MYSELF from saying "wellllll...your on house arrest and ur breaking it ALL the time, drinking and lying to probation officer going out when ur not supposed to and you OBVIOUSLY dont care about me if i have lived here since feb and i still dont have medicaid or medicare or w/e it is, NEVER had free school lunch so i DIDNT get to EAT or DRINK anythign ALL DAY LONG for almost 4 months everyday, your always drinking EVEN when we are SUPPOSIDLY BROKE and about to be evicted. buying name brand **** for yourself and i get NOTHING (deoderant, razors, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste) 

THIS IS NOT A GODD@MN HOME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

THIS IS A GODD@MN STOP IN THE ROAD! A F^CKING POTHOLE B!TCH!

I HATE YOU! I RESENT YOU! I AM SO DISSAPOINTED IN YOU! I CANT STAND YOU! CANT STAND YOUR VOICE! I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i am sorry i am not perfect but i am better than you can EVER think or wonder about being! and about not looking clean and dressed up and acting right in public? I have no one to impress! i dont care what people think! and i am not your girl so why the f^ck should u care if i am skinny or not? i dont need f^cking weightloss idea's from a fata$$ alcoholic! YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE TO ME?

A ******* JOKE!

**LAUGHS IN YOUR FACE**

you were not meant to be a father, should have f ucking walked away to begin with. u drink and drink...makes me wanna cry....makes me feel like your killing someone, killing urself, ******* someone in front of me or something....so disrespectful

i cant take you!

i hate you! and i hate my sister for never understand always alienating me, ******* talking so much sh!t thats NOT true on World of Warcraft (yes i am a geek lol) and being so mean so so so so so so sos os sosoooo MEAN! SO CRUEL! and I NEVER F^CKING UNDERSTAND WHY!!!!!! I mean..WHAT THE HE11 DID I DO? 

with her i feel like i p!ss her off by being alive, by beig here in this world, by walking with my head held high even when i am nothing but dirt under your feet, by contining to face the world and my past OUR past even though it hurts so bad, by tellin the world what i think when i think it, by telling our world what the f^ck i think is up, by telling everyone who i am, my faults, laying them out for ALL to d@mn, laying them out so they can either choose to take me as i am or leave me the he11 alone. I think i p!ss her off by NOT faking a smile or faking that everything is okay. I think i p!ss her off because i am taller than her, prettier, got more guys looking at me than her, that even her bf's look at me, that i am still in school, that i wonder and dream, that I AM STILL TRYING TO SUCCEED! she hates me because i am everything she is afraid to be or never will truly be...THAT IS WHY I THINK SHE HATES ME! 

Now,.....i have this love right now....so raw so pure....and its in my hands and i am holding it and its so bright such a light in a cruel world. and i dont wanna fail, i dont wanna hurt, i dont wanna lie, i wanna be in his arms, i wanna dance with him in the moonlight, i wanna run and jump streaking down a street with him, i wana make him smile and trace it with my fingers and my tongue, i wanna make his heart soar and his mind open into a new way of thinking and beliefs, i wanna show him the world isnt so cruel that there IS bright times IF you LOOK for them! i wanna hear his story i wanna hear him i wanna hold him and tell him everything is okay in his life when he tells me why he thinks he is so ugly ( when he isnt believe me :D) or so evil inside.  i jump with joy at the sound of your voice, thoughts of you keep me from jumping off the cliff of my mind into insanity, your my anchor, why i dont know, why  i love you so much, i dont know, why i feel these feelings , i dont know, why i cant breathe or focus without you, i dont know. i crash and burn without you thats all i know,,,,cant imagine life without you by my side, get so scared and sad when i JUST try to imagine it! i need you. i want your kids, i wanna be with you 40,50,60 years from now old as f^ck in rocking chairs looking across feilds in the middle of nowhere, i wanna cook all day for you i wanna make you laugh i wanna make you proud of me, i wanna continue to live just so i can hear your voice again, i wanna succeed just so i can hear you say " you did a great job baby"  he makes me wanna do ANYTHING for him, whether is be to jump off a cliff to find a pebble at the bottom or run in the middle of a busy road to save a dog or something. i would do it. i would jump 40ft off a bridge free falling to hear him tell me how crazy, how wacky he thought i was. he makes me wanna do the impossible, so try just so i can see if i can do it and if i cant then say atleast i tried. he widens my horizons, makes me think FOR ONCE i truly will succeed because, because,,,,,,I LOVE HIM! and he drives me insane and i dont have anyone to talk about him with because i am so scared that my family will talk down on him since they are all so mean so cruel with their words and i wanna protect him from them as long as possible because i will NEVER let him go thru what i went thru with my family.......and i went off the f^cking wall talking so weird and insane.....BUT i am happy i let SOME of what has been bothering me out!!! so f^ck anyone who says anything mean! me writing this helped me not cut ro get depressed or angry!!!! lmao........nite ya'll

 

-Mindy

lilfallenangel lilfallenangel 18-21, F 10 Responses Jun 6, 2009

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Wow that anger brings back memories. Its totally valid for you to feel that way. Please speak with your counselor hun. You need desperately to be set up with a case worker called a CASA who will then stay with you and help you find aid and also with your future, hopes, and dreams. They will be your friend, your advocate, and hopefully help you find a way to make sure you have every resource possible to enable you to further your education and make your dreams come true. I know that it is not the same as having a family who loves you, but its better than being put out into the street with little more than a high school education and have to work much harder than you need to. Honey you are a smart girl, a pretty one too. Don't let anyone say otherwise. I know because I still have my own mothers voice in my head telling me how stupid and ugly I am and it was the total opposite that was the truth. She has some narcissistic illness that she felt competition with me and I was a threat to her rather than her being a mother wanting the best for me or better than what she had as normal parents like myself do. Much love sweetheart. Its too bad we are not able to band together and be a big family.

im doing better...still struggling but slowly working my way through college..am now a sophmore. and that would be nice,. people dont truly understand it seems still. so i stopped talking about my past.

Have you tried self meditation or acceptance of things that make you angry?

Wow! The world is so full of people who are hurting. I found a friend who I can talk to when I feel hurt. His name is Jesus.<br />
I will remember you in my prays.<br />
Be strong!

you can realy express your feelings,, so good on you,, i think that is the best thearapy, dont give up keep going and give yourself a beleave that you can overcome all that shite from your past your good at righting and talking out what hurt you so keep doing it and believe it is going to be good , BELEIVE IT,, X

Okay.. I thought since you commented on a story of mine, similar to this one, that I would do the same. <br />
<br />
You have no idea how much I can relate to you. Even with the smallest idea of WoW, which I play as well. The flashbacks. The winning and losing at the same time. Everything about the guy.. I can't even start to say how much you are similar to my thinking. YET! You comment on mine that I'm acting like a spoiled brat, which wasn't true. I was doing the same as you are here. <br />
<br />
Though I hope the cutting stopped, that's not a good thing.<br />
<br />
But, listen, I'm not going to leave a harsh comment, as you did on mine. <br />
<br />
You are beautiful, I can see that. And you have someone who loves you. And, trust me, I know that love, and it will last.<br />
<br />
But, I also know the trials and tribulations of having a sister, though mine is younger. She's wished me dead plenty. I can tell she doesn't care. But we are completely different. <br />
<br />
My point: I prefer not to be judged by someone so similar to me. As you only say the same about yourself. I as the older child, you were the younger, that is one of the few differences, which may be why we are different in a small way. Still. If you want to judge me, get to know me. <br />
<br />
Another difference is, that I basically got over my past. Was hard, but I did. And you can't give up. I almost did multiple times. And, really, another difference is, my crap happened when I was too young to understand what was going on, you were old enough to understand.<br />
<br />
Don't get me wrong. I'm just trying to get you to understand me. <br />
<br />
I do wish you luck in your life. And, truly, your family shouldn't decide who you love. Just love him, and cherish him. I hope you two are happy together.

i truly like being alone. being in love and having someone to share life with would be awesome, yes. but alone is fine, as well. and i am damned proud of everything i do now and have done--alone.

I too find my thoughts turning often towards the past far more often than I care for. It isn't hard to say there are things I regret greatly and wish I had a second chance to change. I could no sooner ignore or forget the past than I could what's going on around me, and it makes me despair and wonder why I was even born.<br />
<br />
What's worse is when you look at your accomplishments and they mean nothing to you. When you can't even look at what you've created with your own hands and feel any pride or satisfaction it really makes you question your worth. Especially when all you really want is someone standing by your side and nothing else.<br />
<br />
So long as you have someone you can share your thoughts with you're not alone in your struggles.<br />
<br />
I hope fate is kind and you can share all your days with your special person. Just make sure your 100% honest and open to him.

i agree with all of the above comments! :) <br />
<br />
please do not feel singled-out or damned bcuz of having idiots-for-family...it happens, a LOT, so it's not your fault and please don't let shame or guilt get to you. many times kids do not want to reach out for help bcuz they still feel loyalty and thus keep a 'code of silence' about their family, feeling thats the honorable, true thing to do and screw helping themselves, instead. please love and respect yourself always. i wish someone had told me to--that took me too long to learn on my own.<br />
<br />
thanx for sharing about your boyfriend with us. he sounds really cool and he is lucky to have you.<br />
<br />
u are a very deep thinker. i hope u are studying philosophy--u will likely write and create some new ones! i like how u talked of pondering winning and losing at the same time, ---but the winning is not a happy tale to tell. i can wrap my head around that. i am curious, tho---why is the winning tale sad? what's ur take on that? mine is that people usually lament the one that got away--losing--and are then discontent with winning, or what they chose as winning. you are obviously very good at getting people thinking! keep it up!!

It really bothers and concerns me to see someone so young yet so full of anger and rage. I'm not saying it's not deserved, but you really need some way to vent or channel all that energy in a positive way! Can you get involved in some kind of sports, anything, to help you release some of that energy? Is there anyone you can talk to at school -- a teacher, counselor, coach -- who could help you with your personal needs (deoderant, shampoo)? Don't you have a caseworker or socialworker that you can contact about your needs? I have no idea where you are, but if a teacher could contact CPS, maybe you could get some counseling or at least someone to look into YOUR situation. Doesn't sound like your father is following the rules at all. There should be someone checking up on him, but there should be some help for the family also. School will be out soon, if not already, and you won't have access to that for a while. Is there a youth center or even a church nearby, where you could talk to someone? You should have had free lunches at least. Some places are offering something similar at nearby recreation cenetrs this summer b/c of the economy. Please try to check these out and get some help for YOU soon!

Btw.....ONEDAY i wanna marry him....hopefully he does too......lmao **smile**