I was raped when I was a little girl, about 3 years old. A lot of people say that kids don't retain memories from that age... but I did. In fact this event was my first memory: I t was Christmas time, we were at my grandmothers house, my parents, my brother and I, to spend the holiday with my dad's family. Everyone was there, 3 uncles, 3 aunts, and 9 cousins(they are 9-17 years older than me).
The adults were talking and joking, the cousins playing and talking to my older brother... except for one. One of my cousins came up behind me, lifted me off my feet, up over his head, and then sat down with me on his lap. I was wearing a red velvet dress, with white lace, my hair had been left loose to cover my dress. He sat me on his knee, slipped his hand under my dress, and into my underwear. He molested me in front of my dad's entire family... and nobody ever found out. I know, I feel/sense that this is not the only time I have been molested by him, and I have the faintest memory of a second time, but I just can't remember, and I don't know if I'm ready to.
I didn't know that what he had done to me was wrong, I was too little, but as time past I forgot this memory until I was about 10 years old, and my cousin tried to molest one of my friends and one of her friends. He was sent to jail for about 6 months, and it was while he was gone that my friend told me what happened and what it meant. It was like in those movies when a single phrase is said and it triggers a flashback. I remembered, I sensed and felt that I had been molested... and I was ashamed. I hated myself, I blamed myself. I was too upset to even think that it hadn't been my fault. I was terrified that my parents would find out, because I knew that if they had known, my cousin wouldn't have been allowed near me.
I was so scared for days. I finally decided to tell my mom. I was walking up our driveway with her one night, thinking about what to say, and I just told her. She asked me to come inside with her. I told my dad at my mom's request, and then they asked me to go to bed so that they could talk. I wanted them to tell my brother, I thought that he should know. I went to bed that night and my mind raced, "Did my parents hate me, were they ashamed, were they angry with me, did they blame me as I blamed myself?" and then I had a thought that to this day I am ashamed of thinking, but am never sorry about thinking," Why didn't my parents see? Why didn't they protect me? Why did they not see?" I cried myself to sleep that night, I still do some nights, when my mind is confused, I talk to my self to ease my worrying, and even if I didn't start out thinking about it, I always end up thinking about being molested.
My mom asked me to talk about what happened with the school counselor, a few days later the students at my school were forced into watching movies about sexual abuse and how to ask for help. I felt so dirty, angry, depressed, afraid. I worried about my classmates and teachers knowing that it was me who caused these videos. I never talked t the counselor again and in the next several years told only one person outside my family. I hated myself for not telling someone sooner, for not knowing any better, and now I hate myself for blaming myself, even though on some days I still do, I know I shouldn’t, I know that it isn't my fault... but I can't stop feeling that it was my fault.
I've never had a long lasting boyfriend, the longest lasted several months before I broke it off, we're still friends but... I just couldn't trust him. I don't mean that he was a bad guy, he wasn't, isn't, but a part of myself told me that if I let down my defenses then I would be hurt again, one way or the other. I wish I hadn't broken it off, he is such a good friend, a good person, and a part of me has moved on, but another will always love him, and hopes for another chance. I've been able to move past this fear almost completely, though in some cases I'm glad I have this sense, because some of the people I stay away from tend to be ********.
I've told some close female friends, and one guy who I have known since I was about 3. They were all shocked, but they took it well, and their view of me didn't change, which I'm glad of. But I wish I could tell my other friends, that I could be open with them, and with my mom's family, but I'm afraid that they wouldn't see me as the same person that they've known all these years, and I don't want to lose their friendship or love.
I'm glad to finally get this off my chest, I have never described my feelings or my abuse in so much clarity(to even my mom, or my best friend). I am now 16 years old. So much has happened in my short time in this life, and this is only one story... I'm glad I let this out I hope that I can keep it going. Thank-you.I walk around so depressed, my friends can sometimes see it, when I have a really bad day and just can't hide it. I tell them I'm just tired, sick, or both and they say oh well yeah I can see that. But that depression follows me everywhere, even when I'm happy, excited and am acting crazy(in a good way), I still feel that depression lurking on the sidelines. I have even contemplated suicide, I would never actually do it, I have to much to live for, too many people whom I love and who I know love me, but some days that depression just grips me and squeezes until I just want to be released any way possible. I wish that it could go away but it won't.