My Secret

I was raped when I was a little girl, about 3 years old. A lot of people say that kids don't retain memories from that age... but I did. In fact this event was my first memory: I t was Christmas time, we were at my grandmothers house, my parents, my brother and I, to spend the holiday with my dad's family. Everyone was there, 3 uncles, 3 aunts, and 9 cousins(they are 9-17 years older than me).

The adults were talking and joking, the cousins playing and talking to my older brother... except for one. One of my cousins came up behind me, lifted me off my feet, up over his head, and then sat down with me on his lap. I was wearing a red velvet dress, with white lace, my hair had been left loose to cover my dress. He sat me on his knee, slipped his hand under my dress, and into my underwear. He molested me in front of my dad's entire family... and nobody ever found out. I know, I feel/sense that this is not the only time I have been molested by him, and I have the faintest memory of a second time, but I just can't remember, and I don't know if I'm ready to.

I didn't know that what he had done to me was wrong, I was too little, but as time past I forgot this memory until I was about 10 years old, and my cousin tried to molest one of my friends and one of her friends. He was sent to jail for about 6 months, and it was while he was gone that my friend told me what happened and what it meant. It was like in those movies when a single phrase is said and it triggers a flashback. I remembered, I sensed and felt that I had been molested... and I was ashamed. I hated myself, I blamed myself. I was too upset to even think that it hadn't been my fault. I was terrified that my parents would find out, because I knew that if they had known, my cousin wouldn't have been allowed near me.

I was so scared for days. I finally decided to tell my mom. I was walking up our driveway with her one night, thinking about what to say, and I just told her. She asked me to come inside with her. I told my dad at my mom's request, and then they asked me to go to bed so that they could talk. I wanted them to tell my brother, I thought that he should know. I went to bed that night and my mind raced, "Did my parents hate me, were they ashamed, were they angry with me, did they blame me as I blamed myself?" and then I had a thought that to this day I am ashamed of thinking, but am never sorry about thinking," Why didn't my parents see? Why didn't they protect me? Why did they not see?" I cried myself to sleep that night, I still do some nights, when my mind is confused, I talk to my self to ease my worrying, and even if I didn't start out thinking about it, I always end up thinking about being molested.

My mom asked me to talk about what happened with the school counselor, a few days later the students at my school were forced into watching movies about sexual abuse and how to ask for help. I felt so dirty, angry, depressed, afraid. I worried about my classmates and teachers knowing that it was me who caused these videos. I never talked t the counselor again and in the next several years told only one person outside my family. I hated myself for not telling someone sooner, for not knowing any better, and now I hate myself for blaming myself, even though on some days I still do, I know I shouldn’t, I know that it isn't my fault... but I can't stop feeling that it was my fault.

I've never had a long lasting boyfriend, the longest lasted several months before I broke it off, we're still friends but... I just couldn't trust him. I don't mean that he was a bad guy, he wasn't, isn't, but a part of myself told me that if I let down my defenses then I would be hurt again, one way or the other. I wish I hadn't broken it off, he is such a good friend, a good person, and a part of me has moved on, but another will always love him, and hopes for another chance. I've been able to move past this fear almost completely, though in some cases I'm glad I have this sense, because some of the people I stay away from tend to be ********.

I've told some close female friends, and one guy who I have known since I was about 3. They were all shocked, but they took it well, and their view of me didn't change, which I'm glad of. But I wish I could tell my other friends, that I could be open with them, and with my mom's family, but I'm afraid that they wouldn't see me as the same person that they've known all these years, and I don't want to lose their friendship or love.


I'm glad to finally get this off my chest, I have never described my feelings or my abuse in so much clarity(to even my mom, or my best friend). I am now 16 years old. So much has happened in my short time in this life, and this is only one story... I'm glad I let this out I hope that I can keep it going. Thank-you.

I walk around so depressed, my friends can sometimes see it, when I have a really bad day and just can't hide it. I tell them I'm just tired, sick, or both and they say oh well yeah I can see that. But that depression follows me everywhere, even when I'm happy, excited and am acting crazy(in a good way), I still feel that depression lurking on the sidelines. I have even contemplated suicide, I would never actually do it, I have to much to live for, too many people whom I love and who I know love me, but some days that depression just grips me and squeezes until I just want to be released any way possible. I wish that it could go away but it won't.
lonelybrokenhearted lonelybrokenhearted
18-21, F
17 Responses Sep 18, 2007

Abuse like this hurts.

I want to thank everyone who posted here, in response to my story. It's been a while since I've been on this website. Mostly because, I didn't need it anymore. I am now 21 years old, I am a senior in college, I am in a wonderful relationship of 4 years and we just got engaged. I told him my story, and he helped me work through my issues. He stood by me and loved me and never wavered, he loved me all the more for my strength. Also since posting this story, I have told more and more members of my family, and many have supported me... some havnt, but it's their loss. I never went to a professional, but I created/joined a support group of 4 friends in my highschool class who were also abused. We helped each other, we accepted each other and we grew. My life is so different now. There are still times when my depression gets to me, but for the most part it is gone. So after this I will be deleting my account, because... finally I am settled and happy and my past is behind me, I will never forget but it had made me who I am and I can accept that now. Again, thatnk you all for your supportive comments

i can relate to your story i had a similar exspeicence you have to remeber it is never your fault adn you cant change the past becuse the past is what made you who you are today i know its tought to go through i have trouble with it every day but you have to remeber that no bad deed goes un ppunished

your cousin needs some serous help, try to stay away from him, it was not your fault, if he ever approaches you for any reason attack him with all your strength, weak spots eyes,nose,lips,balls.<br />
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sharing your stories might even save a few girls that might be currently in your situation, wish you the best of luck

For all you know, those movies in school, that you thought were your fault, may have helped quite a few people. Just look at the statistics. There's no way you were the only molestation victim in those classrooms. Sweetheart, you were sitting there feeling guilty while other kids were learning how to get help and stop their molesters. Hold your head up and be proud for pointing out the monster and stopping him! You may have helped other kids turn in molesters before they started on a whole new generation. You're a good person!

I wish I was as self aware when I was 16, I had buried my pain so far down and told myself that I had it easy compared to others experiences with abuse. I came to find later that this thought pattern was very common with abuse victims, as well as the crippling depression that comes out of nowhere. <br />
I give you kudos for being so open at such a young age, and in touch with your emotions. Make sure you always have one person you can talk to about this, being able to purge the bad feelings in a healthy way is key to keeping the depression at bay. <br />
keep that chin up, young person, you have a lifetime of wonderful experiences at your feet, and strength that no one can take from you :)

do not now on many that do getouver even that age

you did nothing worng no onr had the right to touch youlike that,as forrealtions shipit is going tobe evry hrd to learn to turst but the right person

Thank You for sharing this.. I had the same experience but unlike you I have not told my parents:( When I started reading this I couldn't stop crying because I know how you feel! :(

Please don't blame yourself for what happened. That is absolutely 100% not your fault. I hope you take care of yourself and try to have a productive peaceful life.

I do apologize for not having anything productive to say, but... you have nothing to forgive yourself FOR! No matter what you may have been wearing at the time, it was never your fault, and never will be! Your cousin was the sick, depraved creep. A monster.<br />
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I would very well say the same thing to young women who were raped or molested; it is NEVER the victim's fault! Don't let anyone else tell you otherwise; they are the ones who have screwed up, outdated values.<br />
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All I can say is that when I was molested at 11, it somehow never once crossed my mind that it could have been my fault, even if some of my relatives seemed to believe otherwise. Not that they dared to say it to my face, of course. Still, I was very much unusually brave at that age at the time, and throughout it all, I dared to keep my head up, while everyone else thought that I should have been depressed and suicidal. <br />
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What does my experience have to do with yours? Well... nothing, and yet, at the same time, everything. You try to keep your head up, too. I believe that you are strong enough to do so; I believe that, while one can never truly get over something like this, what they can do is move on, try to be happy. I have nothing to my name, still, but I'm still striving for just that; a happy life.<br />
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You can do it. You go, girl.

Thanks for sharing. I am sorry you went through so much,

hey i know im quite late ....but i had to comment.........honey!! u neednt blame ur self or hate ur self for that.......he had done it to many other young gals too and hes the one whos disgusting and deserved to be hated. I know this coz i was in ur place too i was molested too wen i was 8 and so naieev......all they snatched from is our innocence but not our souls please let it go....... I know itz hard but just love your self ITZ WAS NOT UR FAULT

hey i know im quite late ....but i had to comment.........honey!! u neednt blame ur self or hate ur self for that.......he had done it to many other young gals too and hes the one whos disgusting and deserved to be hated. I know this coz i was in ur place too i was molested too wen i was 8 and so naieev......all they snatched from is our innocence but not our souls please let it go....... I know itz hard but just love your self ITZ WAS NOT UR FAULT

You're not alone. I understand, we must be strong.

Thank-you for all the support, I really appreciate hearing from people. = )

Plase forgive yourself - you deserve to be happy.