Embarrassed and Hurt

I too had a pretty crappy life that I never thought I'd overcome.
I was a victim of ****** from very young until I was a teenager. My mother used to tell me she hated me and never wanted me before she would beat me and lock me in a closet.
I was raped in high school by three boys that went back to school bragging. I was mortified. I was a mother of 2 by the time I was 18 by a very abusive man I had married to get away from everything. He later took off with my kids at gunpoint and I didn't see them for ten years.
After another stranger rape and a baby as a result of it, I married again to an alcoholic that was never there. He too raped me when he was high on cocaine, causing the death of our unborn son.
One more time I tried marriage, again to an abuser that crushed my cheek bone and broke my nose. I was dumb enough to stay even after that, but finally he left for someone else.
I was never in love with any of them but felt the need to have someone love me. I had no self esteem and what I did have was nearly destroyed.
Years later, tired of feeling sorry for myself and in need of conversation I agreed to meet someone I only knew from a distance. I told him everything, probably in hopes of him turning and running away, but he didn't. He actually wanted to get to know even more about me.
In time we had a great friendship and even more, but I didn't feel worthy and ran from him. Fortunately he waited for almost two years until I was able to get my head together and work on facing my past.
He encouraged me as I took classes to become a certified rape and abuse counselor. One of the classes I took was "Making Peace with your Past". You can buy this book, and others that are helpful online through Amazon or any of those type sites.
I wanted so many times to give up and even tried, not just with my classes but on everything. I have fresh scars from trying to take my life, but God wants me here more than I want to leave.
Through my faith, I've been able to conquer some of those demons. It hasn't been easy, and I have a long way still to go but I know that God put this man in my life for a reason.
Last night he asked me to marry him and in time I will, for the right reasons.
Just the fact that you are able to talk about the past is a plus. You should be very proud of yourself. I know how hard that is.
It sounds like you chose partners that you did because you had such a low opinion of yourself. You are more than your past. You are very strong to have been able to come through it and still be able to function. Once you see that you are more than what has been done to you, you will attrach different type of people that want to be around you for who you really are. And you can find the kind of relationship that you deserve.
Keep your chin up and concentrate on you. You need to put yourself first before you can be what you want to be for someone else, and you will be.
I'll pray for you.

I too had a pretty crappy life that I never thought I'd overcome.
I was a victim of ****** from very young until I was a teenager. My mother used to tell me she hated me and never wanted me before she would beat me and lock me in a closet.
I was raped in high school by three boys that went back to school bragging. I was mortified. I was a mother of 2 by the time I was 18 by a very abusive man I had married to get away from everything. He later took off with my kids at gunpoint and I didn't see them for ten years.
After another stranger rape and a baby as a result of it, I married again to an alcoholic that was never there. He too raped me when he was high on cocaine, causing the death of our unborn son.
One more time I tried marriage, again to an abuser that crushed my cheek bone and broke my nose. I was dumb enough to stay even after that, but finally he left for someone else.
I was never in love with any of them but felt the need to have someone love me. I had no self esteem and what I did have was nearly destroyed.
Years later, tired of feeling sorry for myself and in need of conversation I agreed to meet someone I only knew from a distance. I told him everything, probably in hopes of him turning and running away, but he didn't. He actually wanted to get to know even more about me.
In time we had a great friendship and even more, but I didn't feel worthy and ran from him. Fortunately he waited for almost two years until I was able to get my head together and work on facing my past.
He encouraged me as I took classes to become a certified rape and abuse counselor. One of the classes I took was "Making Peace with your Past". You can buy this book, and others that are helpful online through Amazon or any of those type sites.
I wanted so many times to give up and even tried, not just with my classes but on everything. I have fresh scars from trying to take my life, but God wants me here more than I want to leave.
Through my faith, I've been able to conquer some of those demons. It hasn't been easy, and I have a long way still to go but I know that God put this man in my life for a reason.
Last night he asked me to marry him and in time I will, for the right reasons.
Just the fact that you are able to talk about the past is a plus. You should be very proud of yourself. I know how hard that is.
It sounds like you chose partners that you did because you had such a low opinion of yourself. You are more than your past. You are very strong to have been able to come through it and still be able to function. Once you see that you are more than what has been done to you, you will attrach different type of people that want to be around you for who you really are. And you can find the kind of relationship that you deserve.
Keep your chin up and concentrate on you. You need to put yourself first before you can be what you want to be for someone else, and you will be.
I'll pray for you.

Thank you for the comment, I truly do appreciate it. I think perhaps one of my biggest issues was my last marriage to the most manipulative person I have known. When I entered into it I said to myself I will do anything to make this work and put up with anything. Why? because it was sort of "okay" to have been in two failed marriages, but a third? That makes me a failure.

Outside of my family I don't believe anyone knows I have been married three times -- I live in a totally different country then them so I never see them anyway and don't have to face my fear with them. I have never told anyone. Some could put together that I was married twice because of my daughter but the first is a distant event that cannot be tied to anything.

Your story does make me think that perhaps there is a glimmer of hope but I truly must deal with myself first -- something that I have never done until I got out of my last marriage. I have been seeing someone in a non-committed kind of way. He is at a point of his life that he doesn't want any commitments -- which actually I do understand .. he is a lot younger then I am and is getting himself together.

One side I will sometimes think .. hey what's wrong with me but the other side knows that I'm not ready for a commitment yet anyway. When I think about telling him all my past, I'm scared I will never see him again.

I know that if that happens it wasn't meant to be and he wasn't worth it anyway. But facing that rejection is tough. :(

It sounds like we are both are here for a reason .. that has been something that has kept me going through the years as well. And a reason that we both landed here on this day.

Thank you HelKat, I pray for all the best on your journey of healing. You will help many :)