Unknowing...

I have spent so many months trying to figure it out...trying to understand...but never been able to fit the puzzle pieces together. The unknowing of what had really taken place keeps me up at night unable to sleep. It keeps my mind racing and I'm unable to shut it off. The anxiety it gives me makes me unable to eat...a constant knot in my stomach...and the feeling of a ton of bricks on my chest makes it difficult to breath. I suffer from chronic panic attacks. Usually 1-3 a day...sometimes i have them from the moment I wake until I go to sleep. It's exhausting to say the least.

It all happened so fast that I wasn't able to comprehend what was going on at the time. I remember falling asleep crying and woke up with my pillow soaking wet from the tears that were still falling from my eyes. It felt like a dream. I tried to reach him but he disappeared. Nothing from him...not a word...all the things we had arranged were left unfinished.

I've heard many things from friends of his. But nothing is credible when coming from someone who has ulterior motives. But his actions that I am aware of completely support their statements. It's hard for me to believe that my closest friend would betray me in such a way. I would think he wouldnt be capable of such behavior...but now I have my doubts. I thought we knew each other well...but maybe I didn't really know him at all. I adored and admired the person I thought he was. I completely loved him with all my heart...but the man I loved would never hurt me the way he did.

I'll never have closure or peace of mind. I'll never have the answers I so desperately need. I will live the rest of my life with this feeling of angst...and uneasiness. I'm trying so hard to let it go and put it behind me but not understanding what has happened makes it difficult for me to do.

He walked away with my heart & unconditional love...not realizing what a beautiful gift it is...not knowing how purely generous & selfless the gesture was. I hope one day he will return it to me so I can give it to someone who will appreciate it and treat it with love and compassion.
hadyourchance hadyourchance
36-40, F
1 Response Sep 7, 2012

I am a student of psychology and from what I read I can say that misunderstandings creeps in when you don't communicate.Confront them and get your answers.

I tried. But I think he may have qualities of someone who has Avoidant Personality Disorder. So it's very difficult to communicate with someone who doesn't want to communicate back.