My Stbx

Was handed the power to destroy me.

...When you love someone as much as I loved her, you hand them the power to destroy you.

She destroyed me by constant criticism, by bullying, by pushing me away.
When you love someone, those little things start to hurt...the criticism of someone who knows you best and loves you best...it tears at you.
Constant correction from a "partner" makes you feel stupid, feel low.

I will never give anyone that power over me again. I can't.
My ability to give of myself that way...To give someone that power...is gone...I can't do it. 
I can't risk that much again. 
I nearly died of despair, waiting on her to rescue me, care for me, comfort me...she was not capable of that.  I shattered into pieces alone, I went through a hell of pain, and she didn't understand.
By not understanding she hurt me so badly. 
I loved her with everything I was, it went so wrong.
I was such a fool.
hylierandom hylierandom
41-45
7 Responses Dec 10, 2012

I'm so sorry it ended like that, you're not a fool, I'd bend over backwards for my gf, I'd give her chance after chance after chance. If we broke up, I'd shatter too. This is love and when it's wonderful it's wonderful but when it goes wrong... It's heart wrenching, it tears us up, it feels like the world has opened up and swallowed our tiny shattered pieces

I loved her with all my heart.

I know what you mean... Those situations are some of the hardest to cope with... I'm so sorry for the pain and conditioning you had to go through. No one should have to go through that...

It's not foolish to keep trying to love and trust... I'm sorry for the hell you went through unsupported, and understand why you're gunshy after that.

Awwee *hugs*

I felt the same way when I divorced my ex. I became somewhat jaded and skeptical about love and marriage, and I built a bit of a wall around myself for a while even though I was in love with my current husband. I just didn't want to open myself up to being hurt and having my heart broken again. As time went on and he showed me more and more how much he loves me, I began to trust him and gradually open myself up to him. I am now even more open and trusting of my current husband than I was with my ex, and we have a greater and deeper love.

Time truly does heal all wounds and renews our faith and trust in mankind and love. It just takes time. Be cautious and wary, but don't close yourself off forever and give up on love, because if you do you may never come to know the greatest love of your life, and experience all the joy and happiness that comes with finding that person.

I can't risk it. Too dangerous.

Such power CAN be risked again, but only after you've balanced the risks with some vigorously applied power sharing. Self-abnegation may be the idyllic end-point of romantic love, but one doesn't typically begin a thing at its end.

No, you're no fool. That's love, in my book.
I'm going through exactly the same thing. I love my wife madly, even to this day, and I would take a bullet for her and spend my dying breath making sure there wouldn't be another. She has no respect for me at all, constantly bossing, bullying and putting me down, barking orders, snapping, and generally making sure I always know who's boss around here. I've issues an ultimatum, for which she is failing to meet my terms and I'm gone once the holidays are over.
But... I don't feel the same way you do. Yes, I've given everything I am to her and she abused the **** out of me, to the point where I've self-abused with minor vices and harmed my own body... but I'll never feel differently about loving someone. I would and hope to do it again, hopefully I will be wiser next time and choose a mate who isn't going to take advantage of me giving her everything I am.
I'm so sorry you are feeling so hurt you want to turn off that part of you. Love is so much more fulfilling and rewarding when you abandon yourself to it. I hope you find someone you can trust and let your heart open fully to her someday, you'll be okay if you build the trust you need first.

I was very heavily abused as a kid. As a result what would have prompted another person to fight back and tell her off...I just spaced out and took it, let it gnaw away at me. I am just too vulnerable to emotional abuse to get close enough to ever allow that again.

In 2010, because I thought I needed my wife to survive, I decided to self-injure whenever I felt the urge...I was wearing razor-lines all over my stomach for much of the next year or so...trying to deal with my anger at her.
...In 2011, when I started getting memories back, she was barely even aware of how awfully I was doing...and mostly our communication was about her telling me I forgot to clean my mess in the kitchen...when I was struggling not to put a bullet in my head.

...I wanted to marry so I could be safe and accepted and really loved for the first time in my life...and I found out that marriage and love did not represent the safety I so desperately wanted. I found out that I was desperately clinging to a painful delusion.
...I cannot have that safety while I'm alive.
Everything is temporary here.

Mostly it means I will love...but I will do it at arms' length. Nobody else gets all the way in.

I'm very sorry that you're so hurt, friend... And I hope your next opportunity to love heals you and gives you the chance to gradually find your way out of this painful shell. It's not impossible. My thoughts are with you.

I don't want out of my shell anymore.

I understand. It feels safe in there. Let yourself heal.

I am so sorry you went through this pain. I agree that you should let yourself heal, but never give up. Everyone isn't the same so don't assume you will meet and fall for another woman who will treat you like your stbx, and you will be hurt again, because often the Universe gives us what we continue to think we will get, even if we don't want it. Have faith that you will find great love again because that will increase the chances that you will.

"As a result what would have prompted another person to fight back and tell her off...I just spaced out and took it, let it gnaw away at me."

I became like that with my ex too. I tolerated a great deal of emotional abuse. I realized that when I got to a point where I never wanted to stand up to him and fight back, but instead just wanted to hide inside myself, it was because I really didn't love him anymore so I no longer cared about what he thought about me. I just cared about what I thought about myself. That was when I realized I needed to leave the marriage. I recognized that I had been holding on to my idea that the man he was when I married him would return, and the man he had become would leave. I realized that wasn't going to happen, and that is when I decided it was time to call it quits to the marriage that was nothing like it had once been, and would never be again.

I was going to kill myself. The reason I didn't is because my best friend needed me.

OMG - sometimes we just have to crawl our way through that kind of deep depression in any way we can until we are finally able to climb out. But killing yourself is a permanent solution to a temporary problem. It is never the only way you are going to be capable of moving on.

5 More Responses