An Interesting Article About Emotionally Damaged Men

If you can overlook the less than perfect grammar, you will see that the author does possess some insight in this area.  I disagree with  her conclusion, however, that damaged men are responsible for (some) women's promiscuity.   Anyway, a thought-provoking read ....

Damaged Men By: Erin Pembroke Oct. 10, 2010

Have you ever wondered why finding a good man is so difficult?

Have you ever thought that maybe it was you or wondered if you did something wrong? Have you ever wondered what on earth is happening to the dating world? This uncovers a major problem for young adults in the dating world. I have personally discovered over the past year that young men are emotionally not ready to date. There is something more deeper than the obvious reason that they are young and just want to have fun. The reason why young men are emotionally not ready to date is because they are damaged by the relationships that they have had with previous women.

These young men became so damaged that they feel that they need to get rid of the pain by sleeping around with various women. Instead of facing the pain, they run away from it. Unfortunately for them, they don't know that they are carrying this pain until they have to inevitably face it when they either find the right woman or when they get older and notice that all of their friends and all of the women are getting married. These young men pretend they do not have pain from their previous relationships and put on a front or a shell to mask their pain. In order to do this, they sleep with various women. They sleep with all these women, hoping to hide their pain and maximize their pleasure to override that pain. When they sleep with various women, they not only get the physical pleasure but the emotional pleasure as well. They use many women to boost their confidence, self-esteem and try to get rid of their insecurities.

However, they fail to realize that they cannot truly be happy until they face the emotional pain of the previous relationship in order to heal themselves. A problem arises when they do not heal. They become damaged goods. They view most women in a negative aspect. They act like women are inferior to them, easy to get into their pants, distrust women or blame women for all of their problems. The thing I am realizing is that these young men blame women for their problems but it is not women in general that they need to blame. It is simply that one woman has hurt them, therefore they generalize and assume that all women will hurt them.

They should not blame that one woman but should consider and realize that perhaps both the man and the woman are equally to blame in a relationship. If a woman has cheated, perhaps there are an emotional reason to and not the physical reason. Sometimes the one person is to blame but all I am saying is that the man should think deeply about what happened in the previous relationship and consider the possibility that both are to blame and not just the woman.

Another interesting aspect to look at is that some young men try to get a woman to like him but the minute she does and actually show obvious signs that she is getting emotionally attached to him, he leaves. This is ironic because the man may not want a relationship and knows it yet he wants the other girl to like him at the same time and when she does, he leaves because he sees and concentrates on her flaws or the flaw of her gettingemotionally attached to him. The ironic twist is that he does not realize that he is implating or creating the flaw in her; emotional attachment to him. Therefore, the problem is not the young woman but in the man all along. Perhaps, the flaw is the man and not the made up ones he created in these women. The young man needs to look inside himself and figure out what is the problem and how to heal himself. If he does not fix the pain, cope with himself and make amends, he will perhaps always stay bitter and have a negative view of women.

The young man also needs to think about the possibility of it being him and not all these women he keeps blaming. He may continue to date other women but will always inevitably come to the same end result; the woman did this or that or is this is or that. The woman is not right for him etc. Therefore, he is always blaming the woman and ending up alone with the same sad result. The young man needs to consider the possibility that he is blaming women too much for his emotional problems and insecurities. He needs to make peace within himself before he is able to date again. If a man is still horboring a grudge over his ex and talks about her in a negative aspect or simply talks about her a lot, then he is not ready to date.

Another interesting point that should be made is that young men are not that different from much oldermen. Both young men and much older men are not emotionally ready to date, have emotional baggage and have insecurities. The only difference is that a young man is emotionally damaged because of a previous relationship or by the woman in the previous relationship whereas the older man is emotionally damaged by a divorce or by his ex wife in the marriage. Now, if a young man is emotionally damaged and not emotionally ready to date and a much older man is also the same way, where and how would a woman that is emotionally ready to date find a decent man who is emotionally ready to date? That seems to be the real question that is hard to answer. You see, men in their 30s and 40s seem to be the best option to date expect for the fact that they are usually engaged or already have a wife where as a man in his 20s and after 50 is not emotionally ready to seriously date. So, where does that leave women?

Since men are sleeping around because they are not emotionally ready to date, then women are also forced to also sleep around. However, this is not fully in a woman's natural chacteristic to do this. Yes, a woman may sleep around but perhaps less often than a man and eventually she may want to settle down. The problem with this is that a man expects most if not all women to eventually be easily accessible and open to sex the first time they meet him. They figure if women are complaining that other women are spoiling it for them by having sex so soon, then those that don't have sex so quickly should learn to so that there is no more competition to have sex. When I heard this from a guy's mouth, I was utterly shocked, disappointed and disgusted. Why would a woman have to get rid of her self respect just to sleep with a lousy good for nothing “little boy?” I cannot even say he is a man because these types of men are not into being responsible for their actions and lack wisdom and knowledge.

The best statement to come out of all of this is that since a woman is not being forced to give up sex so soon because these men are not emotionally ready, they are being devalued. Since a woman is being devalued, men will not respect her or hold her in high regard and she will have a lower self-esteem, self-respect and dignity. A man will continue to use women in this sense to get what he wants but will never find the woman he wants to marry if all the women are being “pimped out” by these men who look for self-gratification and a boost in self-esteem. Sadly enough, a man is his own downfall including looking for a woman when the time comes when he is finally emotionall stable oremotionally ready to get married or have a serious relationship. He will never see that preservation of a decent woman needs to occur in order to get what he is emotionally looking for.

To conclude, young men (and much older men) are emotionally damaged and not ready to date, so they have many sexual relations with women in order to ignore their pain and boost their selfesteem. Without facing their emotional pain, they generally distrust and blame women for their problems and turn decent women into non-valuable sex toys and not into potential marriage mates for the future when they are actually ready to have a serious relationship. They must face the problem within themselves in order to move on and obtain happiness or else they and the rest of the young dating world are doomed.
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14 Responses Mar 19, 2011

A good article, I enjoyed it, and a lot of truth to it too. I think that most men now are afraid to commit because, by looking around, they see that marriages nearly always end with the guy paying child support, alimony, or whatever, and more or less financially ruined.

So, they just use their brains and get what they want without taking the risk of marriage or commitment.

Is that emotional insecurity, or just being wise?

Nope, sorry.

Women are intended to be the compliment to men. And we are all emotionally damaged to some degree.

The problem in America is, women have subjected their roles as nurturers of children and men, to climb the economic ladder. To directly compete with men for the spoils.

Marriage and childbirth at a younger ages is seen, mostly by women, as an impediment to such values. Therefore, it's become playtime for younger generations.

It's a significant value shift.

Most men are wholly ill equipped to deal with the realm of women today. Specifically emotions. It would be similar to letting your child drive your car. The reality is, men don't make good women.

Men have only adapted within this new social reality that women have chosen. One in which they have themselves created. To make the world safe and easy for women to live without them.

No longer are they needed as protectors, providers, or even lovers. This has left many men with an identity crisis. You can call it emotional damage if you like.

What's the old saying..

If you said tomorrow, to have sex you'd have to stand on your head. Pretty soon half the population would be standing on its head (meaning men).

No you are wrong as well; please look at what you post and don't post until you have been in the same situation; i have felt this way for the longest time; i only treat women with respect and i get shiited on after when they just leave me for no reason. This article is true to the core; so don't talk on a subject you know nothing about.

It is wrong to blame women for emotionally damaged men, which can come off as scapegoating the female sex and cause added injury by thought that a human being as a "damaged" human. This needs to stop and all humans need to understand how to be responsible for their actions and lack of and also learn to blame ourselves too and not just those we were hurt by or say hurt us.

for the sake of being misunderstood, I believe that many things are not seen in every relationship and with every person. With this said, each of us needs to care about making sure that we are not blaming women for the hang ups of all men.

It is with some caution that I respond to this since I agree in partiality with this article. I agree that all men go through a period of "man-*****" behavior. It isn't right, it isn't helpful or healthy, yet, it is done. Many women not knowing this behavior pattern somewhat reluctantly however, hoping that things will change at some point willingly participate and support them. They become their surrogate therapists, listening to them agonize of the past late into the evening. They are the voice of reason when these men come to them with their issues. And they are the first ones discarded when he has found someone else that piques his interest and is nearer to his ideal. He says to himself, "Well, we're just friends anyway. I didn't really hurt her. " Meanwhile, the woman, having made this investment of her time and energy with this man who will never ever be hers becomes drained of her spirit. On the other hand, I've also seen women in this behavior pattern, intentionally or unintentionally using men for their physical, emotional or financial needs. She is regarded generally as a less than glamorous and afforded all sorts of unflattering names that can be assigned for a female. So the question is to ask yourself when you meet someone and after you've known them a while, before you even decide if this is what you think you want: Is that relationship really meeting your long range plan? If being involved with a man/woman solely for the purpose of companionship or to alleviate the pain of ones past to avoid facing the truth. If so, then we are all duped to some degree and why have relationships at all to begin with whether they are near or far? Because we have hope. Hope is the only thing we have in the risky business of getting to know another person entirely different than ourselves.

This is an old post but I thought I would add some insights about older (55+) emotionally damaged men. I am looking for a mature man to share fun with, all of me. I met a man who said he wanted a long term relationship. He at first says all of the things you expect in building such but slowly finds faults with the relationship where none exist. Warning day he says "All Women do ____" fill in the blank. "All women leave", "All women hurt you". My response was this: If we stay bitter and untrusting, it becomes a self fulfilling proficy that we push people away before they can hurt us. Then the people who hurt us in the past win because we continue to let them inflict pain (either consciously or sub-consciously). My personal view on moving forward is this: regardless of the hurt and how the relationship works out, try to be a friend. Worst case, maybe you can both learn and find a shoulder to lean on. Live in the present. Truly forgive by also trying to let go of small inconsequential issues. Is it worth damaging a relationship because you have to be right or in control all the time, too rigid?

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<p>This article, and the majority of the responses, are unbelievably naive.</P><br />
<p>This must have been written by a teenager.<br />
<br />
And @TammyLou..."Naughty" people?<br />
Seriously?<br />
<br />

there are some women who behave like this too, they allow some types of men to treat them like that because they too have low self esteem. i fell in love and ignored all the warning signs, i knew i was a rebound from the get go, he didnt consiously but sub-consiously he did. he has moved on now and will carry on as he was while i am left to pick up the peices, there is a part of me that envy's that attitude because sometimes dealing with this pain is unbearable.

Nayia - you wrote this some time ago but I just came across it this morning. I thought I would drop you a note because your story is like the female version of mine. If you switch the gender references, your words are probably exactly what I would use to describe my own experience. I am a bit older than you so i can give you the rest of the story as it has worked out for me. After a long time of dealing with the unbearable pain I sorted myself out honestly. No sleeping around, doing my best to exorcise myself of the emotional damage. Got a good career going etc. Then somehow got married to a woman who while having an outward image of being strong, a survivor against difficult odds, turned out to be inwardly very damaged. Whereas i worked hard to deal with my issues, she worked hard at concealing hers and it fooled me. I only found out 10 years into our marriage when she had a sort of personality change. Its almost like she has a multiple personality thing going on sometimes. I haven't left her as I care for my children and see the damage that she would pass on to them if left on her own. My children are almost grown now but i am almost worn out and not enough left in the emotional tank to even think of leaving and starting a new life. I have resigned myself to contending with her breakdowns and living out my years never having experienced that elusive life of love I dreamed of when I was a young man.

I hope you are doing well, please be careful not to fall into the type of situation I did. It is better to be alone than to have to live a whole life with a dysfunctional partner.


this article does not apply to all men and not to young men either. my ex who was on a rebound and 'used' me to try and heal his pain from his beloved ex was/is 36 years of age. he has slept with nigh on 70 women in 2 years and majority were one night stands or **** buddies before he met her and then, when they seemingly broke up, he went onto me rather than to deal with his pain. so age isnt relevant, it's an individual thing.

This article is critically flawed in too many ways, and from the very outset. Emotionally damaged men sleep with lots of women? Quite an assumption I would say. I have had quite tumultuous emotional life, which in fact prompted me to AVOID being in any way close to a woman sexually. To the point that I loathed any sexual activity intensely; I'm not the only one either! In fact, my only relationships to date have only served to further ingrain that attitude towards sex as I have ended up being used. Particularly by these woman who aspire to these deeply disturbing "modern" ideals of sexual empowerment and independence. A life where they are materialistic, self-worshiping, cut-throat and seek their own ends in every relationship. If anything is to blame to women's promiscuity then that it is right there. Were II wrong, then why is it so prominent in the arts? Music, literature, fashion, movies, and every other medium possible. These women - the majority at least - are not the product of emotionally damaged men, just the victim of a seductively marketed ideal that, in the end, is not as desirable as initially thought.

Reads like a transc<x>ription from an old asian lady...<br />
<br />
Women are "being devalued" by their own choices, or rather their own poor choices. Our society gives women a wide berth for choosing their own destinies. Many of them choose to be promiscuous and ignore good mates until they are too old to attract any good options. Some of them destroy their own prospects for long term relationships by having unrealistic expectations and expecting that the relationship "work for them," rather than being a cooperative effort. The fact that the woman who wrote this tries to foist the blame for men being emotionally damaged back onto men (kind of like someone trying to blame a woman for getting raped...) is a perfect example of the kind of egocentric mentality that infects modern women, destroys families, racks up national debt, (think government aid, criminality,) etc..<br />
<br />
Many men learn that most women are more willing to make themselves into available sex ob<x>jects than act as co-operative, dependable, long-term partners who won't--you know--"go crazy" on you and dissolve your marriage, take your money, neglect your children and teach them to hate you in order to justify her own insipid, self-centered trough feeding of useless consumer goods.<br />
<br />
We learn that the married cougars that hit on us when we are young are a prediction of wives that will destroy us when we are old.

A lot of generalizations there. The article extrapolates from a couple truths a lot of myths. It reads like someone is looking for answers (but acting like she has it all figured out) when in reality every single person has their own story.<br />
<br />
I'd love a definition of "emotionally ready" - not really buying what is written overall, although it has a few kernels of truth thrown in there just to confuse women even more. My experience has shown me women are no more emotionally ready than men on the whole - we just act on our past experiences with love and sex in different ways. <br />
<br />
If you want to verify whether a guy is emotionally ready or not - ask your brother or your best gay guy friend. They can give an honest assessment for you without blinders on.

i came accross this post because i googled "how not to be emotionally damaged anymore". i completely understand the response tammylou gave. i guess i'm one of those guys as mentioned, so i know that dating any such guy'd just get you hurt in the end. there's nothing else you can do unless you talk to him and hopefully help him get over his past relationship, no matter how long ago it was.

Seriously, the non-valuable sex toy thing is definitely true. Holy Cow. There are so many men out there that have been seriously hurt by naughty people and might not even realize what they are doing to the person who loves them unconditionally and whole heartedly and then they will eventually lose that person because she will get so tired of feeling so very worthless she will find the strength and go away forever and not look back. Leaving again a broken man, a man who then will tell his next conquest that he so badly hurt by this woman that left him. The cycle will start over again. It really is so very sad, even more sad when you are in that relationship with that hurt man and he doesn't realize how much you really adore him and would do just about anything for him, and all you want is for him to love you the same but it is inevitable, he won't, because he can't, because he doesn't have the capability for some reason to look at what he is doing and then it ends.

You are generalizing men. You are a HYPOCRITE.. And not EMITIONALLY READY to write these kinds of articles. This isn't a movie or a song review. There are far many more dynamics involved that your not able to outline competently because of your inexperience with the actual psychology of it. It's just your damn opinion and a pretty brash one at that, men don't come to read things saying that they're "this or that" as you so expertly put it. There's no humanity in it, just a stuck up little girl behind a keyboard with a generalized view of society with too much free time.