I Am Trying Not To Wallow But I Have Been Keeping It Locked In For Too Long

I don't think there is anything wrong with a little healthy self-pity but I try not to get bogged in it... i mean last night I got angry and did the dumb spit on here and got crabby over my back pain...you know, but I am trying to weigh up and make a balance between logical and reasonable expectations and care and the reality I face each day as well as hope and dreams that keep me going.

the fact is I am ambitious person.   I crave new things and dramatic change...I have hung out at home for way too long and have been blocked from my true potential...

10 years ago I was in a paralegals diploma
15 years ago I was in an Arts/Laws degree

instead of progressing forward I have gone backwards...and it makes no sense.

I have completed the pharmacy stuff and medical reception stuff
I have almost completed the sports health and allied health stuff

but I have a long long way to go.

I don't want to be a doctor like I once did as a teen. I don't care if I am not a lawyer.  I think I have waited way to long than is expectable to find a nice guy and to be a mother.

what does god want me to be and do??? I ask???? all the time I ask the lord and he plays games on me ... cheats me ... fouls me for no reason.

and its so unfair... my health problems are so unfair. my financial problems are breaking me down as is my health but I have to keep going and fighting

I would love one day where I don't have to worry about cat being sick, money for bills, my health, the future

I would love to have one week where I can enjoy some free space and time somewhere else than here

I would love to have one year where I can go out to classes and it be like years ago and it was fun to learn and not a fffff hassle or the time.

its about balance ... not just stupid fun that harms people and its not about slave whipping peasants blind for a pittance living standards.

i am sick of the whole thing ... job networks demanding, jobs jobs jobs hassles .... health ... run to doctor all the time... surgery, money, doctors bills,

heart ache .... I am sick of it.

worry about my cats health .. it would be nice to have 6months or 12 months guarantee she will be ok.... so I can say take a break from worrying about her...

it would be nice to have a group of friends to go out with and do some fun things that dont involve drinking alcohol or acting stupid or abusive sex and degradation acts ....

It would be nice to turn the tv on and not be hassled by the problems in Egypt or  hunger in Africa or where ever.... I am flat out helping myself. I care but what can I do??? it breaks me down.. and I wonder does any mongrel care! it breaks me down when there is no fun... no music no life but shopping and doctors appointments and pain.

czaristacrystals czaristacrystals
36-40, F
3 Responses Mar 19, 2012

when I think of everything I sometimes dreamed about being .... <br />
<br />
a doctor, or dental nurse or other type of nurse etc<br />
a model or designer, <br />
a lawyer<br />
a pathologist<br />
a art gallery attendant or interior designer<br />
a business or media executive<br />
a tourism operator<br />
<br />
a environmental worker or activist<br />
a politicians assistant<br />
a teacher with children with disabilities<br />
a diplomats assistant<br />
a embassy assistant<br />
a furniture removalist or painter (my sister and I used to joke about as kids)<br />
a tafe or university teacher<br />
a journalist<br />
a weather girl<br />
a perfume sales chic ...<br />
an allied health front office/assistant<br />
an anthropologist or working on a dig<br />
a speech pathologist etc<br />
<br />
all these things and yet its always not be possible... close but not possible... <br />
<br />
least of all being a mother or wife or even girlfriend that her gorgeous young man loves ... it would have been nice to have been a teen bride with the right guy.. or in my early twenties like my sister!!!! <br />
<br />
I am just not normal... but what the heck!!!! ha!!!! who cares? <br />
<br />
its only me who is killing time!!!!! cuz time has killed me!!! <br />
<br />
and I have to move on to something better now...<br />
<br />
I am green and I have become mean!!!

I am at a point I have been so hurt and so let down every single time my hopes get picked up that I just don't care anymore...I hope that doesnot send off bad signals to men or bosses or teachers etc but I'm sick of putting my ar se and heart on the line and being chocked up and unable to breathe ... cuz it all falls through...<br />
<br />
so I just don't care anymore ... there are heaps of women who don't have kids or find a nice husband and who never marry ... <br />
<br />
I want a lifestyle I guess ... that I thought by planning and studying and working hard would give me that ... the nice house near the bay or beach or farm or enviro scape... the nice job and the nice young man who waited for me... and didn't become the town sl ut ... !!! there is something wrong with men who want to be town t arts anyway sleeping with everyone .... <br />
<br />
I wanted a hubby to come home to and look gorgeous for and kick off my high heals at the end of the day and share a hug and drink of cranberry, tia maria and ice with and talk about what school we would send our children to and have dinner ready and share amazing sensual massage with... I wanted a man who I could share a hot office or college romance with and for it to be for life.... and plan a nice retirement with on a flower farm or a something really exotic .like a estate in europe for a hotel or something... and have nice clothes and hair and body treatments and hats and gloves etc and holidays ...<br />
<br />
and work somewhere chic!!!! maybe I was expecting too much in a paralegal career... maybe I just don't have what it takes afterall... I am defeated but not self -pitying ... wow!!! how politically correct is that?

like wasn't I supposed to get somewhere by now... a husband? a baby? a nice job? and a nice house of my own with a husband??? was that expecting too much ???