I Am Trying Not To Wallow But I Have Been Keeping It Locked In For Too LongI don't think there is anything wrong with a little healthy self-pity but I try not to get bogged in it... i mean last night I got angry and did the dumb spit on here and got crabby over my back pain...you know, but I am trying to weigh up and make a balance between logical and reasonable expectations and care and the reality I face each day as well as hope and dreams that keep me going.
the fact is I am ambitious person. I crave new things and dramatic change...I have hung out at home for way too long and have been blocked from my true potential...
10 years ago I was in a paralegals diploma
15 years ago I was in an Arts/Laws degree
instead of progressing forward I have gone backwards...and it makes no sense.
I have completed the pharmacy stuff and medical reception stuff
I have almost completed the sports health and allied health stuff
but I have a long long way to go.
I don't want to be a doctor like I once did as a teen. I don't care if I am not a lawyer. I think I have waited way to long than is expectable to find a nice guy and to be a mother.
what does god want me to be and do??? I ask???? all the time I ask the lord and he plays games on me ... cheats me ... fouls me for no reason.
and its so unfair... my health problems are so unfair. my financial problems are breaking me down as is my health but I have to keep going and fighting
I would love one day where I don't have to worry about cat being sick, money for bills, my health, the future
I would love to have one week where I can enjoy some free space and time somewhere else than here
I would love to have one year where I can go out to classes and it be like years ago and it was fun to learn and not a fffff hassle or the time.
its about balance ... not just stupid fun that harms people and its not about slave whipping peasants blind for a pittance living standards.
i am sick of the whole thing ... job networks demanding, jobs jobs jobs hassles .... health ... run to doctor all the time... surgery, money, doctors bills,
heart ache .... I am sick of it.
worry about my cats health .. it would be nice to have 6months or 12 months guarantee she will be ok.... so I can say take a break from worrying about her...
it would be nice to have a group of friends to go out with and do some fun things that dont involve drinking alcohol or acting stupid or abusive sex and degradation acts ....
It would be nice to turn the tv on and not be hassled by the problems in Egypt or hunger in Africa or where ever.... I am flat out helping myself. I care but what can I do??? it breaks me down.. and I wonder does any mongrel care! it breaks me down when there is no fun... no music no life but shopping and doctors appointments and pain.