Wont Do It

I hate crying in front of others. I have to be really hurt to do so. When I was little my mom took me and my brother from my dad because he was abusing her. We didn't know what was going on just that we had to go. We spent a year with my mom and then she had to return us, by court order, to my dad who won custody of us. I would later find out there was really shady dealings with that whole thing. The first couple months were horrible. I was 5, my brother 1 and I didn't understand why my mom wasn't allowed to come with us. He told her she couldn't visit us. I didn't see my mom again until I was in the 6th grade. And when I could cry for her or for anything my father would ridicule me. "Stop crying like a big baby" "Stop crying before I give you something to cry about" "Go ahead and cry *****" "Oh everyone look ****** is crying..booohooobooohooo" I took it as a sign of weakness. And I carry that with me now. I'm afraid of the attention that crying might bring me. I dont want people paying attention to me because I'm crying. So, I choke back the tears and pray to God that I can hold on until I'm alone. And it's been rough because the past couple days have been very emotional for me....lol I hate crying in front of other people.
Miluna Miluna
36-40, F
Dec 1, 2012