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Funny Thoughts

 Ja....I was on the roof of our office block a year ago.

As I looked down I thought:

  • "Is this the moment when your cellphone rings and the right person calls to talk you out of it?
  • Is this when someone on the street shouts at you not to do it?
  • Is this the moment when you realise life is worth living?
  • Is this the moment when an angel appears?"

Well, none of these things happened.

It was almost 18h00. Everyone would be settling down to their homecoming routine after a hard day at work. No-one was going to 'phone.

The streets were deserted. No heartfealt : "Mister don't do it!" was going to come up to me.

I couldn't think of one reason to live. On the other hand, my inner cynic thought it would be rather rum to have a great reason to live strike you seconds before the pavement strikes you even harder. 

I realised that no angel would appear, because if angels made regular suicide prevention appearances there would be no suicides. 

I thought of my foster-mother. A lady that has always been there for me. I hadn't written her a suicide note. She is so technologically challenged that she never switches on her cellphone. So a text message would be out of the question.

There were things on my hard drive that I would rather wipe than have some ghoul go over after my death. The ghouls were sure to read my private thoughts and warp them. They would tell her things  and convince her how bad I was.

She knows that I am bi-polar, but would she believe that my jumping had nothing to do with her? Would she realise it had everything to do with my hormones? They say the people you leave behind always wonder what they could have done. I wouldn't want her to think that she was to blame.

I realised anew that there was no god. Jumping off a building wouldn't make any difference.

On the other hand, if He existed, committing suicide would seem like petty little temper tantrum by a spoiled brat.

Sort of: "You hate me, you hate me. You never get me anything I want! I am going to hold my breath until you buy me a pony!" 

Then I realised that I was working against millions of years of biology. No virus O.D's, no amoeba kills itself, and so it goes all the way up the evolutionary ladder.

I was contemplating something unnatural. Something against all the laws of nature. Therefore something stupid.

So I turned around, phoned the helpline, made an appointment with a therapist and started taking my meds again.

Boring hah? No great insight or secret. Just turn around, walk away from the ledge and go on living.

w0lf w0lf 46-50, M Jun 6, 2009

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