Immense Capacity

I have discovered I have an immense capacity for love. I am like a neverending fountain (as corky as that sounds). What I hadn't realized is that I did not share it with the people who need it and deserve it.
I love my mom, but for the past two or so years I had been pulling away at constant pace without even planning for it. I just did. Now, not only do I understand I was doing it, I also understand why. And I will stop doing it. Because I love my mom dearly, and I can only show it to her now, while she's still alive.
I love my husband, but I had been pulling away from him too. Time to stop it. Time to start learning to speak his language of love. I am so lucky to have him in my life, I mean to keep him here :)

Another thing I realized is that holding on to happiness kills the moment. I get so caught up in trying to hold on to the feeling that I just miss it all together. I get so worked up about trying to prolongue the moment, that it passes without me even having the chance of saying hello to it. I need to learn to just breathe it in and enjoy it as it's happening.

I am not afraid to be afraid anymore. Fear has been my second skin for all my life. And I hated that. I rejected it, tried to hide it from myself. I understand now it's only human to be a afraid. It's a natural response and I need to learn to handle it better, not push it aside as if it weren't. I know now I am still afraid of my father, but it somehow stopped being unsettling. I know I am not ready to face him, but that's okay. Maybe someday I will be. In the meantime I will try to get to know this fear that has kept me alive.

Life is worth living, not planning for it :)
Mapping Mapping
26-30, F
Jul 3, 2013