Hero For A Day
The phone call came at around 11:30.... my mom was on the other end of the line and sounded like she was on the verge of a panic attack. ever polite, she asked what i was doing..."just doing some cleaning." i said warily... i could tell she was upset and generally that means i've messed up again, broken her heart and made her rue the day she adopted me....again..
"There's a snake"..... she started... and broke down a little more..."i'll be there in a minute." and hung up... my son could tell that this was serious "emergency" type stuff and didn't even get upset when i told him to put his boots on, while i collected some needed weapons...err..collection equipment.
In the car on the way, he realized he had forgotten his hat... i quickly scanned the backseat... narrowly missing the red-haired guy in the little gray foreign compact car who is always going about 10 mph...in a 50 mph zone.... finding the elusive "wild-life" hat..made more elusive by being camouflage, i now told him he had to be the siren... so for the next two miles to my parents house we went screaming down the road, sirens blaring, to the scene of the emergency...
Quick as a flash we jump out of the car with the equipment... my son took the large Tupperware bowl... while i wrestled with the rake and a blanket to throw over the snake in hopes of confusing it. i had no idea the size of this monster... the Tupperware was in case it...well i really don't know what the Tupperware was good for... but my son felt really important holding it.
We yelled for my mom, who called up from the basement and we found her quietly perusing the latest innovations on the QVC website. Startled to find her calm... and wanting to keep it that way, i quietly asked where the snake was... she pointed to the outside door and i could see the nervousness returning. i walked to the door where all i can see is a vacuum cleaner... i go out, followed by mother and my son and my mom says "its in there"...i turned to see where she was pointing... surely this monstrosity was not in the vacuum... my visions of soon- to- be- had hero worship grinning and waving as they retreat into mist...
walking up to the vacuum, my visions started to reappear when, after inspection... i proclaimed loudly..."He is not here"
Mom's panic also resurfaced... and the tale of how she had come upon this frightful monstrosity spilled out in a rush of cats being bitten and diamond shaped patterns and rattles shaking and finally how she had sucked him into the vacuum..... after a few minutes she calmed again... and i began to inspect the vacuum for any sign of this less than formidable opponent. I banged on it... i shook it...always hearing.. "be careful....be careful" in the background. after i found nothing... i turned the vacuum on...
I don't know if there is a sound to describe the sound a snake makes when traveling thru the inner workings of a vacuum. i do know it's unlike any other sound i've ever heard. i would recommend that if you do get the opportunity, make sure you do not have the squeamish or easily offended around... as i found out when i laughed. somehow... my mom chose THAT time to feel sorry for the poor, deadly, slit-eyed, be-rattled, despicable, slimy, spawn of Satan...and i was not to find any humour in hearing it zip-clunk thru the vacuum's innards... *grins*
After the snake had been thoroughly observed by mom...and pronounced "vicious and deadly"...my mom took my son into the house for a cookie while i collected the "cleaner" tools i would need for the judged one's final walk.
I will not go into the unnecessary details of the demise of that harmless blacksnake.... i did give him a severe talking to... i did make it look realistic... even launching his body into the woods after the big show of relieving him of the stick i pretended was his head... and waved respectfully as i walked back up to the house... snake's happy... mom's happy... son's happy he got a cookie... and i got to be a hero to all three.
SweeetKiester SweeetKiester
41-45, F
Aug 23, 2014