Happy On The Outside...

I wish I weren’t me today. Not because I don’t like myself or have self esteem issues, but because I am suffering from a broken heart. Yesterday was bad, today is miserable. I started out alright. Got up and headed out to do what I needed to get done. I had to drive for over an hour each way for a project I am working on so it gave me too much time to think. I was alright on the way up and while there. On the way home however, it hit me, a horrible ache at my core. I didn’t cry yesterday but today I did. I miss him so much. I feel as if there is something missing. Not only did I have feelings for him, but he was one of my best friends. I loved talking to him every day and being able to share my thoughts, pictures of random things and just be silly together. Now he doesn’t even talk to me much, if at all. He said we would be friends, but it feels more like we are strangers or at best acquaintances. I wish I had said or done something different. Maybe if I had been more patient and just waited, he would be talking to me still. Maybe if I hadn’t pushed him he would still tell me things would be ok. Maybe he would even still come out to visit me. Now, there is nothing. When I told him I would still be friends, I had some hope at least of being able to talk to him and be somehow a part of things, but I guess that isn’t what he meant by friends, I don’t know. It hurts so much and I feel lost as to what to do. I hide the tears. I don’t let anyone at home see me sad. I pretend it is all fine and that I am the same old mom. Inside I am extremely sad. Tonight I will wait for everyone to go to sleep and I will curl up in bed and cry. Cry not only for the loss at a chance for real love with a great man, but also for the loss of a great friend.