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Im Like A Turtle

I have this hard outside shell, like I have a perfect life and nothing bothers me, but I'm soft on the inside. I have been broken many times. I was abused sexually, physically and emotionally. Was taken from my family when I was 5 years old. My mom was prostitute, and a drug addict. She used through her entire pregnancy with me. When I was born, I had drugs in my system. My father was a dealer, and an abuser. I remember watching him shoot at my mom in our back yard, and he beat me with a lead pipe. The police found me playing with a loaded gun alone in a crib. I fell out of a two story building when i was 3. Everyone was too high to notice, so my sister went and picked me up. My back will never be normal. My dad was drunk one night, mad at my mom, who was in the hospital giving birth to my little sisters. He set the house on fire with me in it. I was terrified of fire for years. I still have nightmares about it. I was sexually taken advantage of from family members from age 3ish to maybe 12. I can not remember. My brain won't let me. I had a great adoptive family, but I was bounced around a bit before I got here. My adoptive family was very christian and strict. I was not allowed to listen to non christian music or watch most things other kids could. I went to 8 different schools. That's how I learned how to friends so quickly. I ended up in a Private christian high school where no one knew my past or anything about me. I tried to reinvent myself. It did not work. What i have been through, and where I came from is a part of who I am. I moved out @ 18 due to an argument with my parents who told me to unadopt myself. I started drinking. I never drank and drove, but I drank way to much. I should be dead. I was raped twice, by two different guys at two different times. Two good friends of mine died. One was murdered. One was killed in a freak work accident. Both not even 24. I have played with lots of drugs. Something I swore I would never do. I tried to kill myself. I put on a good show for years, pretending I was OK. But I was not. I'm still not, and I cant tell you if i ever will be. I'm here. Alive and kicking. I have started to climb myself out of a few holes i dug for myself. But I remain breathing, and I would not have it any other way. I am proud that I am still alive. I can do this. I am a strong individual. I can survive anyting. Sometimes I wonder how and why I have made it this far. I think I have used up my nine lives....but who knows. Maybe turtles have more than nine. :)
nco706 nco706 19-21, F Feb 4, 2011

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