Oh Boy, Here We Go.....i'm Not Quite Sure What This Is.

I'm having a day where my bad memories are seeping through. I have a few tears coming to the surface, but thinking about it all, just makes me almost numb.
My mom being part of this, I think a little more anger is coming out than I expected to this month. I mean she really got me good, she died a week before mothers day and two weeks before my birthday. Granted I know she didn't plan it out, but **** did she get me good. Hell she didn't even live long enough to see me not smoke for a year, which is also in May when I quit lol.
I wonder if she's pissed too that she couldn't walk for the last six months of her life, she couldn't hit me, have to wonder if that was some major ******* disappointment for her. Or if she was mad come jaunuary she couldn't walk. When I had the cops called on her for assaulting me, she got two years of advisement and she couldn't even walk when it was up, bet she was super pissed not being able to punch me in the face and all.
Honestly surprised she didn't tell me to kill myself. Cause she did that growing up. Seen my depression and knew there were times I just wanted to die. She had a gun and sometimes would actually ENCOURAGE me to kill myself. Or ya know the next best thing saying that we should kill ourselves together. Then telling me after she sold the gun a few years down the road, that it was because of me, cause ya know having that gun around just either A.) Made her want to kill herself or B.) It was to tempting to kill me, ya know?
OOOOoo and the time she threatened to bust my head with her beer bottle, and then her boyfriend hovered over me practically so she couldn't, and then her real logically thinking kicked in.....Since she couldn't hurt me and wouldn't hurt him, guess what she did? She busted my tv with it instead then went stomping away like a ******* child. Although the ******* pure hilarity of this is that her boyfriend was ******* abusive, yet ya know he would defend me when she'd get out of line. Just like the time she thought it would be a great idea to bust my lip and try to bust my nose, and then repeatedly punch me in the ******* head when I would curl up in a ball. Then he comes in and pulls her off. ******* psycho ****.
Oh and ya know it wasn't bad enough that one of the people I had in my life who was a father figure to me when I was young, I had to see him die of cirrhosis when I was eight and then I guess you thought it'd be a ******* great idea to drink yourself to death well try, and you know when you didn't succeed you just tortured everyone around you!!!! But thanks mom, I mean it was totally awesome watching Robert die when I was eight and then ya know i get to watch you die when I'm 20, although I'm glad you didn't decide to off yourself sooner. And I know you weren't proud of me when you died, but I can't change that now. I can change my life but you won't be here to ******* see a god damn thing will you. But then again, what could you have taught me? I mean if I get married, you can't teach me **** with that, you never had a stable ******* relationship in your damn life, you went with all these ******** and ******* around. Then sleeping with a married man, who I considered a big part of my life, but ya know, you failed to mention the fact that I'd never actually have him in my life as a real father figure like i wanted. Because ya know he was cheating on his wife and you thought it would be great to **** with my head thinking that i might have a dad!
Oh and if i have kids what the **** could you show me there huh? Financial security and that's ******* it. Cause I sure as **** didn't see anything else out of you. I can hear you now calling me an ungrateful little ****, but I don't give a ****. Yes you were a single mom and you put me through school, we always had food on the table and you worked your *** off for what we had. I commend you for that, you had amazing work ethic and you were determined to keep the house over our heads and to give me whatever you could and whatever i wanted. You made my childhood amazing. Which I am thankful for, and even when the drinking got worse you still managed to do it all. But where was the ya know comforting, caring, nurturing mother I need, huh? WHERE THE **** was she. No where, that's where. You bitched at me for anything and everything I ever did. Which granted I acted out in my teen years and put you through some hell. Sorry about that. But that doesn't change the fact that you were never there for me when I needed you. When and if I needed you, I didn't get you, I got a ******* drunk who didn't give a damn. Who when I would cry, you would then tell me to suck it up and shut the **** up. When i had a drinking problem. Even though you provided me with most of the damn ****, you still felt the need to act like I was doing it behind your back and hat I was a terrible person, well guess what mom. SO ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!! I ****** up with my drinking, but guess what I ******* STOPPED can your stupid *** say that? HELL NO you're six feet under and you didn't give a **** about yourself or anyone else. I needed you, I don't ******* have you.
You left me with a family who doesn't care, I've cut them out of my life. You've left me with a father, well who isn't around and doesn't care to be around. You were a total *** to me, but I don't have you now. All because you never really cared. You let your addiction come before your child. You chose your alcohol over me once and all. but I wish I could hear your voice or hug, just something. But I can't because you didn't care enough for me to stay sober after rehab.
Greeneyedandcurious Greeneyedandcurious
26-30, F
2 Responses May 15, 2012

Kids need structure. It's important for them to know right from wrong and to have a fear if punishment. It's what helps them keep in the right path. I know there are things I never did as a kid for fear of getting caught and punished. My mom was a spanker. And I feared her punishment. So consequently I was, for the most part, a good boy. Except for wearing her undergarments when she wasn't looking! LOL!

:P Well I won't spank either. You may not get that. But I have seen horrible consequences of spanking. My family would spank their kids for disobeying them and then when they cried cause it hurt my family members would then hit them til they stopped. They did this to me and to my cousins, it's ******. Then two, my mom would spank some, like one time we argued. Got over it and I went to shower, she was like listening for me to get out, and then came in there with a belt and started hitting me, in the back and my legs and ****, then walked away. So spanking to me is not a good idea, and I won't do it.

I get that. And I had a feeling you'd feel that way. Yeah I don't know why some people feel the need to take things way to far. I wasn't suggesting that you should spank your kids, only saying it seemed to work on me. And like you said earlier, the punishment must be carried out. No letting them off the hook as they say.

You've been through so much to be so young. You lost your mom kn the prime of her life. It's a shame she didn't care enough about you or herself to have taken better care of herself. But you're correct when you ask what it is that she could show you now? Not how to raise a child! Not how to be a mom! But you managed to learn what not to do. And in some ways thats important. Because most people screw up when raising kids. And you.probably will too, but there are some mighty big mistakes you won't be making , because your mom made them with you and those that won't learn from the mistakes of the past are doomed to repeat them!

Well the difference between me and my mother is that I want to have a child. I think I'll make a good mom. Granted I may make mistakes along the way, but I think most parents do. I'll never drink, and I'll never EVER lay one hand on my child. Plus if my kid acts up I'll stick to the punishment, my mom never gave me discipline, she was too drunk to follow through with it LMAO