Listen..this Is Me

  I'm a student nurse, I'm a friend, a fun person, a gamer, a singer, a writer, a drawer, an artist, a fashion icon, a sister, a daughter, a dreamer, a musician. I can mould to anything that people want me to be. That is my gift. But I do have my own passions and I indulge them and other times I push myself through pain and stretch out my mind in every possible way to be adaptable, tolerant and incapable of break down. I think true strength lies in being able to cope with every situation mentally. Physical is nothing, it is over in a moment and although it may leave scars I think everyone knows that scars on the heart are harder to heal. Well that's why I have built a super fence around mine. I have done this through testing limits, exploring my mind and self in every possible way, voicing it, acting on impulse, looking at emotional ties, pushing others boundaries to test their reactions and a lot of that has been subconscious. I didn't even realise it but my ability to handle things is quite remarkable. Through violence, sexual abuse, relationships, mental, physical and emotional pain, lack of money, lack of home, lack of family, constant moving, rejection,..I have been through it all and I am smiling. I can talk about everything I have no hot spots, no nerves to touch, no emotions to pull. And truly I think it's a divine way to be. I think it makes the future bright when you can prepare yourself mentally for anything, you can truly do anything! And I believe I can... and I will gladly share it with you, my world! 


 Now I have to admit I didn't use to be sure I had it all quite right and I probably still don't and  I never quite planned to make a defence it just happened through things that happened in my life and after breaking down so much I am absolutely sure I could have gone the other way and fallen into a thousand pieces. But I didn't, I learnt and adapted and became better. This I believe is all to do with studying people, yourself and emotions and how you work. For example, people who are considered hardcore are often in denial, keep things pinned up inside is common and then express this with an outlet. That's how we work, something pushes our buttons and we act out in some way. This could be anything. We also all have a weakness, well most of us ;) and can be manipulated so easy without being even aware of it. Manipulation can be as subtle as a glance and a smile in the right direction. I mean who looks for these things and we all do it without noticing because we do want people to like us, human nature. We care, everyone cares and of course self care, self interest, self preservation.. Now it's all logic. Remove buttons that people can push, fine, hard but I think it can be done to an extent. But then there are life's crashes and highs which are almost impossible to stop yourself from feeling and unfortunately I don't think you can ever stop them so you have to have a let out but then letting stuff out as we said before can get icky. So what do you do, you specifically manufacture outlets which would appear to make yourself heard but actually your falling upon deaf ears and believe it or not you can deal with that, the fact that people somewhere across the world can feel something for you or someone is just hearing and no not just internet. I bet you have a friend who is so self obsessed you could tell them anything to have them forget it within an instance because the focus is immediately and always on them..it's talking therapy basically without the risk of back fire or vunerability. It's that people know you and what's happening to make you feel like your worth something and that someone cares is all that matters. It's organized outlets, ability to cut off emotions, to still feel them but show them differently and be able to cut them off if at risk of exposure or melt down. I AM ORGANIZED CHAOS!...and I work wonderfully, except sometimes I think with every master plan there is a flaw...apparently emotions are good to be shown in a normal way because they let a lover or friend know you are still human and sometimes we all break and question our ability to express love without the use of those tear ducts and to let them know there is still an effect and you still feel and can be hurt like anyone, it's just that you try will try anything and everything to soften the blow ...that's me, that's what I do, that's how I work. 


followthewhiterabbit followthewhiterabbit
22-25, F
1 Response Mar 9, 2010

ok.. i stop at the you a "musician" thing.. ..this is kind of long.. hehe.. :P <br />
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i would love to see your work if that alright with you?!.. :]