I Can't Get Rid Of Him!!!

I've been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years. When I first met him, he was a totally different person then the man I know today. He was funny, wise, honest, caring, blah blah. Then in the years to come I find out this idiot has an addiction to internet women, constantly lies, manipulates me to get what he wants not caring about what I need/want for myself, and is not willing to change no matter what I threaten him with or any ultimatums I give him. I totally ****ing packed up my life in the United States and moved halfway across the world to try to make a normal family life with our children only to be more miserable than I have ever in my life. I seriously loath him, I look at him and I just want vomit and punch him in the face. I actually punched him, and it felt good, and I'm not a violent person. He was calling other women when I invited him to come stay with me at my house in the States. I told him I want a divorce, I tell him I hate him and that the mere thought of him makes me ill. He REFUSES to let our relationship end. I cry every night because I come up with these scenarios in my head of how I could leave him and be done with him but I can't do that to my children. I understand I don't have to be 'with' him for the sake of my daughter's, but it does require having minimal contact with him. Any contact with him lets him think he has a chance with me. I've started smoking up to more than half a pack a day. I just found out I'm pregnant again and I seriously think he wanted this to happen because we were being cautious (or so I thought) for this NOT to happen. I told him I was pregnant and he's like 'oh I hope it's a boy' and I'm just so angry, he doesn't understand that I don't want anymore children, I can't do it. I can't go through another pregnancy with fainting spells from low blood pressure, 9 months of heartburn, back pain, watching everything I eat, drink, and do, no sleep. Not to mention I require c-sections and I don't want to put my body through that again. Did I mention he's 27 years old and STILL lives with his parents? He has no motivation to move out. His mommy cooks, cleans, and does his laundry. It makes me ******* sick. I have to live with my in-laws while he pretends we're moving out soon but I know he's just filling my head with more bullshit lies. It feels so good to type this out and get all my ill feelings out instead of just letting them stew inside my head. Why can't he just go find some random internet ***** and leave me and go make someone else's life hell. I wish I could just go out and get drunk or smoke a bunch of weed and numb myself. I'm seriously going crazy.
Nanixh Nanixh
Jul 30, 2010