Depression!

Why is love so hard to find? Why does every woman turn on me the instant I ask them out? Am I just destined to be alone? Why do I feel so wrong when I do finally get a date? Is it because I have known I am a girl at heart since I was a small child? Is this why my ex left me and our daughter, because she could not be with another woman?

If I transition to be the woman I know I am, will I find the love of another person waiting for me? Will I finally be happy with who and what I am? Or am I destined to be alone for the rest of my life? Why is life so hard for me? Would anyone truly miss me if I was not around except for my daughter? Can anyone be truly happy without love in their life?

I know I am heterosexual in my male body; I can’t bring myself to have sex with a man while I am a man. However I can’t see myself having sex with a woman as a woman. So with the mind and heart of a woman and the body of a man does that make me homosexual by going to bed with a woman? If I wake my body female and go to bed with a man am I heterosexual or homosexual?

How can I go on if no one can love me for me? How will my daughter feel about me once I finish becoming the woman I know I am? How will my homophobic father feel about when he finally learns the truth about his only son? What will happen to me if I cannot finish my transition from male to female? Will people accept me as a she-male or will I be rejected altogether?

If my life was to end today would anyone truly care and what would they care about? Would my daughter be better off without me in her life since I only get to see her once a week because my job keeps me away from her? Would my sister morn my loss even though she has rejected me for what I am or would she be relieved I can no longer corrupt her children as she puts it?

I want to know the joy of getting pregnant. The joy of having a new life grow within me. And the joy of bringing that life into the world through child birth. But alas I will never know such joy. I was born male and after 35 years as such my body is irreversibly male in every way. Had I been able to start HRT when I was 10-12 years old I might be able to get a special surgery to let me know the joy of child birth. The bones of the male are shaped wrong and the Organs are in the wrong place and some are even to big. The male brain is even so different that it will not allow for the development of a new life in the body.

The closest I will ever come to knowing the joy I seek is through the stories of others. If anyone is willing to share.
Rose35 Rose35
36-40, T
1 Response Dec 16, 2012

I have a friend who's father is dressing like a woman and calling himself Erica. My friend is really hurt by what is father is doing. He is very angry at him. Please don't do this to your daughter. She could even be a little lost and confused after the divorce. This would be another change on top of many she may be going through.

I considered everyone before I did anything about starting my journey. My daughter was the first to know and I was not going to be able to move forward unless she was okay with it, no matter how everyone else took this. As for her mother, she abandoned us right after my daughter was born. My daughter has never known a mother and that may be why she is excepting, or maybe its because she is accepting of people. Most therapist wont let someone transition if the child is still in the home and rejects them.

I am sorry about your friend. Has he talked to Erica to find out why now, what is going on? Too many people think this is a life choice or something we can control. Too many of us commit suicide thinking there is no way to be free because of what we live with our whole life.

Please do not think any of us do this to hurt our children or that we do not think about them. in many cases they are why we are finally able to come out not in spite of them.