So Tired

I am a 49 year old single woman, who hasn't had a romantic relationship in 15 years and has no friends. I was a shy, angry, bullied little girl who was abandoned by my parents, raised by my crazy grandparents, and I was kicked around my entire life. I never made friends in school because every day I was told I was stupid and worthless, so who would want to be my friend? I tried so hard to be somebody someone would want to befriend, but I went through my entire school experience without any friends. I have a brother and sister but they only associate with me when they want something from me.

I dropped out of college after 3 years because I was such a poor student and I had no idea what I wanted to do. I ended up working flipping burgers for 8 years because I didn't think anyone else would hire me. Then I became a secretary, a job I'm still doing even though I hate it.

Every man I've ever loved or wanted has used and dumped me like garbage. I ended up moving back home when my grandparents got sick and caring for them until they died. Now I find myself older, 100 pounds overweight from emotional eating, in a job I hate, and loveless. I hate myself and wish every day I would get in a car accident and get killed or get cancer so I can die. I am exhausted and wish I could just fall asleep and never wake up. I don't see my life ever changing, even though I've tried to reach out and make friends and get involved in life. People are polite, even friendly, but even though I invite people for coffee or dinner, nobody seems to want to be friendly unless I'm the one pursuing it. Nobody calls me or follows up with me.

I see other people with marriages and kids and families, and I wonder what's wrong with me that nobody ever wanted to be with me.  What's wrong with me? I've tried to monitor myself to see if I have some awful personal defect that pushes people away.  I try to be nice and friendly and interested, and make people feel welcome, but nobody wants me.  

I'm so tired, and lonely, and death seems like a wonderful alternative to this life.
LonelyGirlOhio LonelyGirlOhio
51-55, F
1 Response Nov 26, 2013

your life has lot of learning u r luck you have that experience learn from that ...dont lose hope and never surender