My Life I Wish Would Just End

my family ignores me i have no friends due to a spouse that is argent and  in control every friend i have had it just not worth it due to all the head aches he creates   If I was to have one My job is a stressful living HELL right now I m on leave due to stress I wish I could die My whole life ever since I was a child has been terrible the verbal abuse from my parents was unreal I tried to escape by getting pregnant at 15 only to find out the ugliest person I chose I thought would love me unconditionally because at the time I was pretty and Innocent I  broke up the guy I really loved because I had no self esteem and thought Mr ugly was a sure thing at least he would love me ha ha he slept with my mom how wonderful!I now cut myself  for some reason it eases the pain. I guess  I don't believe in god anymore or I'm not worth his prayers 

dodgeboy8 dodgeboy8
6 Responses Jan 12, 2009

I understand your wife and you as Husband...there is always two sides to every single story...i understand your wife because i know how the dark mean hole can swallow you up so you really believe everthing is black and white around you.. iam currently in the same i understand you as the supporting Husand Father trying to give everything..but maybe what was in your eyes everything wasnt really that thing that could have helped her...i am sure you are an awsome person as for her...but i think she didnt felt heared and after a while she didnt want to be heared anymore and you maybe didnt listen at the beginning and as you were ready to listen it was too i think pointing finger here is a horrible thing...trying to look good on others serious problems...this is a horrible story and i honestly cryed when i read her letter and yours...this is a very dark world with horrible evil things around us ...we have to battle with so many things and all we want is that one person to make us feel good give us a break from all this the one person we can enjoy life and our dreams with to the fullest... but at the same time is this preasure on this one person is so extremly huge...that is when all falls apart when life falls apart.....i hope our sociaty changes soon, because the preasure outside gets so much that we face more suicide, divorce and black dark times that not even a happy home a person that loves us to the fullest, children that need us, can fill the hole that sociaty burns in our souls......

Where do I begin, this short story was written by my Wife, 3.5 years ago.

August 16th 2012 was our 20th Wedding Anniversary - she called me at 8:00am at my office desk to tell me she wanted a divorice.

I am not here to judge her or her actions - I loved from the moment I laid eyes on her. She was funny, kind, interesting and I loved being with her. Over the years I guess we both changed. I wanted to provide all I could for my family and spent lots of time at work or getting calls from work concerning problems.

She was always unhappy with her jobs - I would think (never say aloud) Every job she has is always the worst job she had ever had. I would tell her to invite friends over, I would grill for them, they could swim or party. She never took me up on my request. She had bouts of depression that had her feeling unwanted & hatefull. The friends she did have were other troubled younger ladies that had alcohol, pill popping or other problems - but as she would say, they were fun.

She was never happy at home - always needed to go and do things to keep her mind busy and happy. At home she felt as though she could never relax, always had to be cleaning or changing something w/ furniture or painting... She would have 3-days off and all she would think about was having to go back.

Shortly after writing this letter - she wrote a susicide letter and left it on the kitchen counter for me. She woke me up trying to get my gun safe key from around my neck. Too many clozipam, colonipin pills from the perscription her psycholigist Dr's perscription. She would quit or get fired from each job - a bank teller one time and told the manager she was going to put the change counter up her ***. Another job - drugs with the owners daughter and the owner closed the business. It's not always her fault - she had been having sugar problems and needed regular breaks and some jobs could not or would not accomidate that request.

Yes, life was hard on all of us... Her note she left for me was saved and shown to her a month before she left me. She called me and asked if she could go with some friends after work to Apple Bees - Shure Honey - go have some fun, see you tonight when you get home. She never came home that night, never called & would not answer her cell. This was July 26th 2012 and it only got worse - drugs - friends - late nights - drug dealer boyfriend.... It was the ultamatum of knock it off or leave that brought the 8:00am phone call I spoke of earlier.

I had her committed for four days to get her the help she needed - she lied so good she had them believing I was an abusive husband. Negative, negative, negative - our Son & I were used to her behavior and would get away from her so we did not get in trouble. This made her feel lonely... I could no longer listen to her being so hateful and complain about everyone at work that got more attention than her.

She cut her arms at one point to make her feel better.
She is diagnosed w/ Bi-Polar disorder.
She would steal to make her mood change to happy - caught stealing @ Kohl's.
She has horrible compulsive cleaning
She abuses her perscription drugs. Was buying extra w/ credit card from Packistan
She would hide bottles of vodka in the house to drink.
She was locked up while I was out of town on business - tying to get more drugs from the ER - they locked her up in the mental ward. I fought like hell to get her out.
She found it hard to ever relax and could never leave work problems at work.
She would lie and the added drama around it - If you did not believe her you were in trouble

I was her 3rd Husband so do not know which of the two before me she was refering too above with sleeping with her Mother? Doubt if that statement is true...

Some people never want to be happy - I wanted to make her happy - I tried all I could! Kinda, gave up in 2009 after reading that she never really loved me. I was a good provider and a good Father but never the soul mate I told her she was to me. Maybe she saw me as ugly at the end? She never believed in God - She believed in orbs, floating energy balls of live, when broken, they were just gone. She told our 11 year old Son this while teaching him to blow smoke rings in the back yard by the pool.


Husband of Dodgeboy8

i understand being married to someone you dont love........

Life is too short to be unhappy. Your spouse should be encouraging you and helping you to be happy. Ask him to go to counseling with you. If he does not, you may want to think about moving out on your own.

I wish I could die too. I feel bad when I hear about someone that died I wish I could take their place they probably had a family that cared about them and friends...

i am 11 years old i wish i could die too everybody ignores me even my family but my freinds are my only comfort they play with me tell me jokes and i have lots of fun with them and at school i have no bullies to bully me! but when i get home my fami;y just annoy me my sisters tell me im an idiot a moron and gay i just dont understand the word gay i wish someone would understand me i even tried killing myself with my mothers kitchen knife i listen to music about fairytales or songs about DEATH i wish i could just drop dead someday!!!!.

You are so young! Please know that you have a long life ahead of you and you have the opportunity to be what you want to be. DO NOT let what others say affect you. I know it is hard. Stand in front of the mirror and tell yourself you are beautiful, you are smart, you are worthy of a good life. Stop filling you head with songs that are depressing. Search out songs that are upbeat, with a good message about life. Let your brain absorb ALL the good messages