The past three years have been the most difficult of my life. I am a 50 year old woman, single, no kids. Never married. No man I've ever been with has stayed with me. They used me and dumped me. For years I cared for my parents, they both died. I was closest to my mom, and three years ago she passed away. All the years I took care of them, I let my own life go. I find myself now at 50, alone, no friends, no special someone, working a dead-end job. I hate my life. My siblings only come around when they want something from me. I inherited some money and squandered it trying to keep up the house they left me. I feel so overwhelmed. I tried to start grad school last year trying to make something of myself, and I started having panic attacks so I dropped out. I feel so overwhelmed, and I just don't want to go on. I just want to lay down some place quiet and die. I have been going to counseling but nothing helps. I have developed so many awful habits trying to cope - I am a compulsive over eater (now close to 300 pounds) and a compulsive spender (I blew threw $100K and am $10K in debt, plus another $25K for my car loan). I am addicted to TV and the only escape I have is when I pretend I am one of the characters. I know that sounds silly and childish, but there are times I just have to get away from myself and that's the only way I know how. I hate who and what I am, and I wish I'd get hit by a bus or just drop dead in my sleep. Anything to get away from myself and this horrible life I've made for myself. It just never ends - I try and try, and I think I'm turning things around, and then life smacks me in the head again. I'm tired of trying, and I'm so lonely. Nobody understands this. I pray, and I ask God to help and heal me, but I don't have any real hope that God is listening to me. I'm a total loser and a waste, and if I died it wouldn't make any difference. I've never made any significant contribution to the world. I'm sorry for this rant, I just needed to get this out of my heart. I plan on killing myself soon, and I even have a good plan. I'll drive far up north into some wooded area, take the license plates off my car and throw them away, then walk up into the woods real far so no one can find me. Then I'll take a bunch of sleeping pills and lay down in the dark, cold woods. If the sleeping pills don't get me the hypothermia will. So simple - so sweet and lovely and quiet. Just falling asleep and not having to come back to this mess of my life.
JJMallory JJMallory
51-55, F
1 Response Jun 16, 2014

I've thought of that- a month ago had a gun pointed at my throat- all I had to do was twitch& all over. In the end my will to live was stronger even though I felt my life had ended- I still have to face things everyday- lost my job, lost my wife all in the same week. I ll probably lose my house- divorced & joint custody of my kids. But I know I'll get over it- I just tell myself - THIS TO SHALL PASS