I Wish I Could Die

5 years ago I married a great man with 4 kids from his first marriage.  I love them as my own.  But they don't love me.  My husband is fat and lazy and mostly I think he married me so he wouldn't have to pay a nanny and then there's the sex on demand.  I am so depressed... in 5 years of marriage I have gained 100 lbs.   We spent 10 thousand dollars to get pregnant and i miscarried.  We can't afford to try again.  I spend all my time cleaning and cooking and driving the kids around.  I was cleaning my oldest daughters room and found her journal... every page is filled with horrible things about me.  She says I make her afraid to come home and I am mean and just terrible things. I do everything she asks of me.  She needed a semi-formal for her dance this weekend and I went to Macy's with her and got it for her.  I take her driving and buy her loads of stuff. I make her favorite meals and get her favorite snacks.   I love her... but it turns out I am as unwanted as I feel.  And it's not just her... our other daughter has in the past written terrible things about me too.  I wish I could die.  All I ever wanted was a family... I gave up my career for this.  I'm fat. past my prime. and I have nothing to live for.  My husband says he loves me... but I think he is just afraid to tell me the truth... maybe he is afraid that he'll feel like a failure-- his first marriage failed and if this one fails... I don't know.  I feel like a stupid jerk.  I gave up everything for this family and I don't have anywhere to go anymore.  I would never written the things down that these kids have written... yeah I used to get mad at my parents but... to write it down?  And not just once... I kept reading hoping that on the next page it would say one nice thing... but page after page bad to worse.  Their real mother cheated and left their father for her cousin.... yeah married her cousin and moved out of state... but they adore her.  She only pays child support when it's convienent.  I am always there for them and have always been there from the day I met them-- I guess that makes me the stupid one.  All I ever wanted was a temple marrage and to be a mommy.... To have a happy (most of the time) family.  Is that so wrong?  I can't get a temple marrage (I have waited 5 years but my husband doesn't have it on the top of his list), and because of his vascectomy we have to do invetro to have a kid together... and that didn't work out.  All my goals have crashed around me and now my works fears are true... my kids hate me....  What am I doing here then... I don't want to be where I'm not wanted.  I want to die. I have no were to go.  I'm 32 and far to old to go home to my parents.  I should get some cash and buy a bus ticket and just disappear.  I wish I had never met my husband.  I wish I had gone to grad school and never given the family thing a second thought.  I wish I had never moved to this horrid place.  I wish I hadn't eaten myself fat with depression.  I just wish I could make it all go away.

mshinmyt mshinmyt
31-35, F
1 Response Dec 19, 2009

You can. Just get up, go find a woman's shelter, and stay there until you get back on your feet. Get out everyday and walk. When the kids need you to take them somewhere or do something for them - tell them to ask their father. You have been emotionally and mentally abused. Please seek help.