Holding It In Til It Explodes...

I always hold things inside until I can't bear it anymore and something terrible happens. It's just the way I grew to understand the world. I was abused growing up, and telling things never helped only hurt, so I grew to keep so many things secret and locked up. In my college years I lost many friends over things that got out about my behaviors and they were afraid of my past and so forth. I don't really try to make friends any more because of that and even the friends I do make, I don't tell very much to. I am never very upfront about my feelings and stuff or my actions really. I hide as much as I can. The problem is this has led me to severe self-injury and overdoses that were near fatal. I just don't know. Sometimes I think maybe it would be different if I could open up, but then I find reasons not to trust that. My last therapist made up a bunch of lies about me - that I was harmful to other people and stuff and told a lot of others these things. None of it had any basis and I don't know why she did it. So now I am afraid to go to anyone because they might jump to conclusions or use incorrect information to decide things for me or will just make up their own lies about me. It seems safer to just avoid others. Plus when I do try to open up, I don't know the words, and bad things happen - people call police on me, hospitalize me, etc when that wasn't what I needed. Usually if I try to talk to some of my treaters, I will have them read something I wrote, because I can write fine, I just can't say things to someone's face. Right now I can tell I'm headed for trouble because I have become obsessed with looking up information about ODing (something I have done a number of times in the past, even ended up on dialysis 2ce and clinically died for a minute or so 1ce). The information just goes around and around in my head. Usually once i become obsessed with this type of stuff, it will occur soon enough. I don't want to though, I just don't know, things are so much to me right now and maybe it seems the only way to diffuse it. I wish I could get people to understand me, talk to me better, listen, etc. I don't know how and right now, I don't trust a soul except my stuffed animals, and only them because they don't talk! I feel like I am mute, or like I am deficient in my verbal skills. I want to get better, but I don't know how when I can't trust anyone. I just don't want to do something really stupid again. I am trying my best to reach out in the ways I can, I just don't know how to really do it.
Androgosane Androgosane
36-40, F
Feb 15, 2013