Locked Up

I feel like I've lost the ability to communicate effectively in some ways.  I really want to learn to talk more frankly about my own life.  I'm not too bad with talking about other people's lives but I tend to lock up when people ask about mine.  And I feel like they rarely do ask which reinforces my feeling that people don't care.  But it really comes from my own distance that people sense and stay away from.  I have built up so many unnecessary defense mechanisms.  I've certainly been told here and in real life that I am overly sensitive.  I've got to build some thicker skin so I can be more willing to take chances and not care so much about the result.  I've recently experienced another example of my inaction losing another opportunity.  As soon as I believe that someone really cares seems to be invariably the time that the person shows that they really don't care that much.  I feel quite sure that it's something that I do since this is a pattern in my life.  I'm really not too sure what it is though.  I think I show too much interest in some ways, and not enough interest in others.  I try to be a nice person which isn't respected if you're a man but then when I try to play it cool and back off I find that they pull away too.  I swear I feel like everyone else is in on a big secret that I just know nothing about. 

ReformedAutomaton ReformedAutomaton
41-45, M
29 Responses Nov 20, 2007

Thanks GG...I know you're right...I'm working towards getting better and feeling better bit by bit....can't expect it to all happen in one day but damn I wish it would LOL

Dear Reformed, <br />
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It sounds like you have just got stuck. when I see you you look like such a happy , fun, upbeat guy. Maybe you actually are that person.. and you let it out once in a while ...just for fun.. but I think that you really are that person deep inside.. You can communicate how you feel so very well. Trust yourself and be gentle to yourself. You are awesome.. Don't stress.. you are a wonderful person.. let go of the hurt and past.. bit by bit.. you are on the right path.. Hugs, GG

I do need to stop being so hard on myself though...I have a very hard time not being critical of myself and having very high expectations.

thanks findinme...you are so right and your comments just made me feel a little sad. It's somewhat about the wording though....I know being myself is important...I guess I've had to change who I am a little so that I don't just sit there in silence all the time when I'm in a social environment. I would never meet anyone or have any love in my life if I didn't change myself a little.

Hey PA. What's up with you? You need to think more positive. Do not....not..not be someone else. Stay true to yourself. You know you have to love yourself first right? I know it's hard when you are an introverted person...me too. But I am learning to love myself despite it. You have a lot of friends here...don't be so hard on yourself. Hugs

Thanks GG....I'm getting better at relaxing and being myself...that person is quiet and introverted though...I find when I am "myself" that no one talks to me...I kinda have to act like someone else in order to survive in the social world.

Hi Reformed... I think that maybe you need to just lighten up some on yourself.. You sound like a fun, giving, decent person.. Just let yourself be and don't try so hard.. I know what you mean though by what you say... Find confidence is just being yourself and you will learn to find your way .....it takes time but you are doing all the right things.... be cool... <br />
hugs GG

It's a fine line between keeping too many secrets and letting out too much. I think you're right though that some should be kept to inspire curiosity and keep you interesting.

I think I know what you mean. Usually I am a very reserved person, but when I got in my first relationship, which also ended about a week or so, I too liked to share some personal information with the person I was with. Not because I wanted to share it, I just did this because I thought that your significant other should have a hint on what is going on in your life to get the relationship on a correct and healthy level and show that I trust him enough. Not good though, some things are better be left alone and not discussed. So I said will never do so again. I also talked with a friend of mine the other day and she said that in order to stay in a relationship you should not let out as much in order to inspire curiosity, because if they already know everything, then where is the fun in it... Thought I should share :P

Thanks Ellycy....I don't know many people that will ask about personal issues so it's kinda hard to just wait around until someone asks you to share. I think it's more about making friends with people who are openminded and emotionally available. It's really hard to find such people.... <br />
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I think you are right though that it's good to be careful what we share about ourselves. I'm just coming out of my first relationship in a long time. My main lesson from it thus far is to be careful how much I tell a person right away. I think it's good to be an "open" person but I should be careful how much I open up in the beginning. People take what you tell them and make what they will with it. <br />
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I mean that what I tell someone doesn't always end up having the same meaning in their mind. And things can be used against you. The main problem for me was that I had shared so much about myself and the girl I was dating shared so little. So it was as if I liked her more than she liked me. But she kept me hanging on by saying she loved me, which she never showed, only said. I feel like she used me, got me to open up in all these ways, tells me she loves me, then asks why I like her so much more than she likes me...doesn't make sense to me but I'll just be more careful in the future.

Hey preformed. Don't get all too confused about it, this is because some people tend to be too secretive, and trust me it is a good thing to be cautious, you should only tell your deepest secrets to only a few. Expressing your self does not mean really that you are obliged to share a lot of personal information, so don't worry too much. If you wish to share something then good do so. But you get more feed back on it when you do it at the request of someone else. Say you have a personal issue and you want to share it, just let them ask you to at first, so as to be sure that you have their full attention.

Thank you fatale....It's good that you're thankful for the way you are. I'm also glad to be a more "feeling" type person. It's frustrating for me though cause I'm not so great with putting my feelings into words. I'm not "emotionally literate" as they say. I'm working on that though and getting better with actually putting my thoughts into words.

I know you wrote this a long time ago, but I just want you to know that I relate as well. I built up walls that seemed to benefit me as a child, but now these walls hinder me more than they protect me.<br />
I too, have been told that I am overly sensitive. Which in a lot of ways probably is not such a great thing, but also at times I am thankful to be the way that I am. I know that my sensitivity has enabled me to feel more deeply for others in empathy and love. I suppose finding that balance is the hard part though.<br />
Well, just wanted to note.

I did wonder but I was feeling a bit brainboxed so trusted you on that one!

Yeah check it out....I spelled it wrong though, it's Jungian Archetypes.

I feel very trapped too....I'll put "research Jungian archtypes" on my to do list!

Well it's a constant struggle but I keep on flying so maybe someday I'll get there. I've been having these dreams of being trapped for years but they are changing as I better recognize in my waking life what these subconscious feelings are really about. If you've ever heard of Jungian archtypes I think this "trapped" thing is one of mine and therefore one of my big life lessons.

Cool to fly though - what a bummer that you dont escape to safety...

Hey thanks lostbird. It's a comfort knowing that others feel similarly. I don't think I've had dreams of stairs exactly as you describe. I usually have to jump really high or even sometimes fly over things to get away but I usually just end up somewhere else that is still not safe.

Do any of your dreams (strange achitecture ones) have wierd staircases in them - they look kind of normal but you can't access them and can only get where you want to go by climbing over the railings and hanging on to the narrow edge?.... I've had a lot of that sort of thing lately...or the stairs only being accessed by a big jump down that I'm too afraid of.....eek<br />
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A lot of what you are saying in your opening paragraph could have been copied and pasted out of my own head, especially needing to grow a thicker skin.... you are not alone...

I agree, change is very hard. I'm still trying to break through my walls. Slow, frustrating work.

I know that some of these walls that we build serve a purpose but over time their purpose wears out yet they are still there. I don't know how to open up now, even though I want to. It's hard to change.

Yeah I think lowering expectations can be a good thing. For me that means being happy with less, learning to appreciate the little things in life. Low expectations should not mean that we should expect bad things to happen in our lives or that life sucks.

I also dream a lot of being on my old college campus but it looks totally different that the college I went to. The eerie thing to me is that it is always the same in my dream, it's reoccuring, but nothing like anywhere I've ever been in my life. Makes me believe more in past lives.

Anytime! I would love to get those dreams analyzed. Yours sound eerily familiar to mine. Except, I don't have the mountain ones!

My dreams sound a little similar to what you described. I'm usually trying to break out of some monstrous building with seemingly neverending halls, stairs, and strange architecture. I'm often running from someone or some people that are trying to get me. I also dream often of traveling to mountainous regions near the ocean. Sometimes these dreams blend together and I arrive only to find that I am being chased out. I kept a dream log for a few months this year but I haven't kept up with it. I really need to get back to doing that. Thanks Darlene for being so sweet and willing to listen :)

That's very interesting...the dream thing. I have dreams of trying to find things or places. I go into a very small building from the outside & it's huge inside & I spend hours looking for the right room or the person I need to see. Lot's of stair cases & rooms leading to other rooms. Okay, sorry off subject! I think it's just a matter of finding someone who seems truly interested in you. I know I am! I would love to hear about you! I am a fab listener. Tell me about some of those dreams sometime.

Yep, I feel so trapped though cause I want to change and I try to change but I keep acting the same damn way all the time. It's really no wonder I have so many dreams of being trapped or escaping.

I've often felt this way. I've found when people want to get too close I back off. I'm trying not to do this anymore, but it is difficult. I think it's a trust issue. Why would you want to open yourself & your heart up when it might get crushed? But, if you never try, you won't find true lasting relationships. Whether it be love or friendships.