Loving My Wife

I wish I could fix things better.

I went over my wife's house today, to help the married couple she is living with move in. She called on me for help, I told her I would be right over, I did not realize why I said this or what lead me to do so. The husband of this married couple had the uhaul truck pulled up to the house and I was told that no one showed up to help him pack it or unpack. I grabbed a couple boxes and started unloading. It was not the first time I had been at her new house (only a week or two I helped her paint and then moved her stuff from her Mothers to the new place).

My son had entered already and I went to seek her out when I saw her in her bed I became horrified. I've seen my wife in pain before, she has Rheumatoid Arthritis and Fibramiaga ( I know I spelled those wrong ), she has been bad before but this time she looked awful. My heart sunk I came to her side but could tell she did not want me near. She was pale and seemed to be stiff I know from the 10 years I've been by her side she was having a really bad day with it.

I could not help but to feel like I may have caused this. For one I never wanted to see her in pain and get so worried about her when she goes through hard flare ups. I wish that they would find a cure for this awe full condition that she has, it was a nightmare for her to live with the past 10 years between the effects on her body to the horrible side effects those dam medications have although without them she may not be able to even move out of bed most of the time. I'd cry some times, seeing it take it's toll on her, her soft hands I could see starting to show the signs of her fingers bending slightly. It's so sad to see the one you love be tortured like this every day.

When I saw her today she told me to leave and help unpack the truck. I felt like she did not want me there and it killed me again because I was the one who cared for her and always will and she did not want me there. It's so crazy now, the one I love is hurting and all I want to do is take care of her but she does not want me to even look at her.

I could hold her, make her food, talk to her and play with her hair to help her like I used to. I used to be the one heating up her heat packs or keeping her warm. Now this married couple are doing that in my place. I told her many times I wish she would lean on me again, but it seems as though she does not want this (telling me many times now).

I finished unpacking there stuff and offered the guy a ride back from the uhaul place, turning to the wife of this guy I asked her to make sure my wife is ok and that she takes care of her. I returned stopping to pick flowers beside the road for her. Jenny was on the sofa now, she looked a little better but still in pain. Our son gave her a hug, but not knowing her legs were in pain he be mistake touched them and she was in pain. He apologized and gave her a hug good by as we started off. The flowers she did not seem to care and gave me a angry look instead. I could not tell if she appreciated them, I picked them thinking it would help her some how....I know they can't physically help but.....

I could not help all this time feeling helpless, I wondered if she had enough money for her medications. She won't tell me some times and I'm so scared for her. I try to give her all I have which some times leaves me with little, but I want her to be ok. I will be getting a second Job of some sorts to help her, it's hard finding one that will let me work every other week (I have my son every other week as we agreed upon). I sold what I had already, at least anything of worth. I fixed what I could but it's not good enough, she still suffers, mentally and now physically. I can't provide for her and myself. I'm selling my house and will be living in a apartment to lighting up the load, but it still wont be enough, hell when we were together I could barely get us by, now it seems impossible.

I just wish I new how to fix us and everything better, every time I try It flops. All I seem to do is make things worse.

I'm sorry Jenny Lee, I feel like I failed you.... forgive me love............God I miss you ..........I wish I could fix us. I wish I could hold you again kiss away your pain, take care of you and whisper the words it will be ok ...once again to you.

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1 Response Aug 12, 2007

maybe she doesn't want you to see her this way. I would try again. I feel for you and her. Is this what caused the seperation? Maybe she doesn't want to burden you with this? Can you get her to talk to you? I would say to try...good luck.