I Need It To Stop *warning-may Be Triggering*

It could be a song, a dream or even a smell. Anything can trigger these memories at any time and I am never prepared. I want to forget you and I want to forget what you took from me but I can't.
Today it was an old man I saw at the park who looked just like you. He didn't notice me at all but I was transfixed. My mind took me there and I could not stop it. All at once I was small, so tiny and trusting. Yours for the taking.
You smiled at me, offered your arms for a cuddle and I happily accepted because what child would not want a hug from their grandfather?
A smell I cannot place but never forget, the evil coming out of your pores I later imagine, as you curled your arms around me holding me too close.
I cannot breathe but I don't fight you because I am only a child and you are an adult. Finally you release me and push me to sit beside you, way too close on a very big bed.
You tell me I am a good girl, a pretty girl, the best grand daughter in the whole wide world and I feel proud and happy. Your hands are constantly moving, brushing my hair from my face, rubbing my arm and resting on my knee.
You say something I don't understand but your hand is moving to a place that I am not comfortable with and I try to get up off the bed. Paper thin skin, frail old bones, but surprising strength as I can no longer move. Your sense of purpose gives you strength to restrain me, and your cold angry stare silences my protests.
Bile rises in my throat as I remember what you showed me that day, what you made me do and what you stole from me. You could see the pain in my eyes as your wretched hands brutalised my body and ripped at my soul.
The sickness you filled me with, pure rotting filth and hatred. I hated you and I hated me, for the first time in my life I could not look in the mirror anymore.
You beg for forgiveness but you know what? **** YOU! I WILL NEVER EVER FORGIVE YOU! This is what I say inside my head, because I will never speak to you again. I cannot get the words out, they are stuck, because if I ever see you again I will be that little girl who suffered in silence and you will be the monster who tore my world apart.
deleted deleted
26-30
May 20, 2012