A Very Short Story About Heartache, Drama And Bad Timing

I dated this boy Jon for 2 years before he moved away to take a job 7 hours away.  We met through some friends and I 'gave him a chance.'  Well that chance turned into the most fuctional adult relationship that I ever had.  We did holdays together with extended family.  We went to church. Joe was a good boyfriend in a lot of ways.  Except he had no desire to acheive anything for himself.  He thought that it would be romantic to marry and struggle with our finaces the way his folks did.  He had no extra curricular interests other than hanging with his friends.  He borrowed $2000 dollars from me.  He didn't pay me back but had money for pot.  But he was great to my younger sisters and really thought that he and I were "it".

The short version is that while he was away I fell for my best guy friend, Sean.  I broke up with Jon and he was devastated.  Immediately after, Sean wanted a serious commited relationship.  I wanted a little space from my failed relationship.  Sean and I spent every second that we could together.  It was just hard to immediately jump into something as big as felt that Sean and I were.  Five weeks after I broke up with Jon was Christmas 2009.   I wanted to tell Sean that I was ready.  He and I had a magical Christmas together.  The week that followed he seemed to pull away.  I brought it up right after New Years and Sean told me that he had changed his mind.  He decided that he didn't want a relationship with me.  He dumped me but still wants to be friends.  Sean stressed that my friendship meant more than anything to him.

Sean and I were still spending a lot of time together and occasionaly he would persue me for sex.  I foolishly thought that his physical attention meant that maybe he had changed his mind.  Maybe we might still be something.  When he wouldn't spend Valentines Day with me, I asked him what was going on.  He informed me that nothing was going on between us.  He thought that sex didn't mean that much to me.  He reaffirmed his feelings of not wanting a relationship with me.  After that talk I actually felt relieved.  I had been in a limbo land for a month and at least now I knew and could move onward with my feelings.  He still imparted to me that my friendship was very meaningful to him.  So we would go back  to just being BFF. I was fine, happy and compartmentalized about it all.

Not 7 days later we slept together again.  I should have gotten up and gone home. I should have stopped it.  But I am a foolish, foolish girl. I thought to myself in the moment, "There can't be anything wrong with sleeping with the man that you love.  I'll pick up the pieces tomorrow."  There in lies the rub.  I can't pick up the pieces this time.  I'm a wreck all the time.  I can't reconcile the feeling that I'm supposed to grow old with Shaun with his lack of affection for me. This whole thing is a bloody mess.  I know that the desire to go back in time is one of the most useless laments that a lover can have... But I just can't get those thoughts out of my head.

I want to go back in time: A) Break up with Joe in a kinder way B) Commit to Sean when he loved me C) Not do whatever it was that I did to lose his love D) Not freaking sleep with him 2 weeks ago and ruin my own mental health!

Breaker3 Breaker3
26-30, F
Mar 14, 2010