I Wish...

I wish that I could have it all with my husband: love, respect, intimacy, sex, fun, kids....everything. I would even settle for having MOST of it, not ALL of it. But what I have is love, respect, and occasional fun. I hardly ever have sex, which could be part of the reason why we don't have kids! I feel like I want it all and that I deserve it all...... but I have a wonderful, sweet, kind, loving husband. He just doesn't care about sex. I used to care about sex.... A LOT.... before I met him ...... and now it just feels like I am slipping away to nothingness. No intimacy, no sex, no adventure...
hedoesntgetmeinct hedoesntgetmeinct
36-40, F
7 Responses Jul 30, 2010

Wow,sounds like he has some kinda depression??<br />
Than again I'm wired a bit different, I get worked up when my wife talks about other guys.If she ever brought up thinking about an affair I would probably encourage her as sharing her with other guys excites me

OK, so our heart-to-heart today consisted of me telling him all of my feelings, yet again.... and him being surprised, yet again. When I mentioned going to therapy again, he said he doesn't believe in that and that we can work it out on our own. When I asked him how this time is going to be different than the last 2 times he said that, his answer was, "I guess I jus have to try harder." Does that mean he wasn't trying the last 2 times? I said that there are books that could help us, and his response was, "Fine, get the books and I'll read them." I told him that I thought perhaps he wanted me to have an affair, since he didn't seem to care about the last time I told him I was heading that way. All he said was, "No." When I asked him what I could be doing to make him want to have sex with me, he said that he couldn't think of anything off the top of his head. There was a lot of me talking and a lot of him just giving one word answers. When I asked him how he felt at the end of the conversation, he said that he felt "fine". Fine. That is his emotion after his wife tells him that she feels unwanted, unsexy, undesired, undersexed, not close to him, and lonely. He feels fine.

Thank you, dc and justwondering. The last heart-to-heart we had included me telling him that I was on the verge of having an affair and that I really just wanted to have that kind of relationship with him. That's when I asked him if he thought he was capable of being that for me, and he said yes. So, I am almost to the point where since he didn't do anything about it when I told him that I was going to have an affair.... maybe that means I should just have an affair. It is sort of like permissions, no? Okay, that is just me rationalizing. <br />
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By the way, for those who are thinking that we need to go to therapy, he doesn't want to do that. And my therapist says that she thinks that I can "teach" him what I want. No, I really can't, and I shouldn't have to.

Good advice...Oh so true...dc

I would suggest that you have a major heart to heart with your husband. The way you are feeling now is really not what you should have to settle for. You might have to tell him you are considering having an affair in order to really get his attention and make him realize just how much you mean to him. Sometimes people don't truly realize just what they have until they are in danger of losing it, and he may be in need of a reminder. I wish you well, you deserve more.

We actually have talked about it, quite a few times. And yes, it was like this before we got married. So, I did know exactly what I was getting into, I guess. His answer is always that he has just never been interested in sex that much. I know that in his past (few) relationships it was the same way. I used to think that maybe he is gay, but he does get aroused when we have sex, and has never had a problem with the actual act of sex. And we have discussed reasons for his low libido: maybe being gay, being molested, or previous sexual trauma...... but he has always said that none of those things are true for him, and that he just has never had a high libido. He even talked to his doctor about his testosterone level, which came back as normal on his blood test. His doctor said that Viagra wouldn't really help because he does not have an erection issue. So, yes, we have discussed this quite a bit. <br />
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He just doesn't seem to be an intimate guy. We do hold hands and give each other little pecks on the lips during the day, but that is really it. And in our many discussion on the topic, he has always stated that he is not interested in "spicing it up" because he is not interested in toys, lingerie, ****, etc. <br />
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On one hand, I like the comfortability of it all. But on the other hand, I wish it were comfortable and full of intimacy. I think I just started to think that perhaps it can't be both... comfortable like a slipper, and intimate and full of great uninhibited sex. But I do know couples who have both of those things, so I just don't know anymore.

I don't know if you talk a lot, but I feel that you need to. We tend to fall into things and soon it all becomes like a "comfortable slipper" - feels nice but boring. Maybe it's time to spice things up a little?